Parenting - The Owners Manual

Children are just little people who will grow up and become independent from their parents with talents and desires of their own - that is, if they are allowed to express themselves as children.

An important part of childhood is self-discovery, being able to try out new things, to choose their own clothes and to decorate their rooms in a way that pleases them. This is how they discover who they are and what their likes and dislikes are.

By age 10 most children will readily tell you what their favorite color is, a preference that will likely stay with them throughout life. By age 12-15 they can give you a list of their favorite hobbies as well as a list of activities they don't feel successful at. These burgeoning talents and preference are developed at a young age as they are allowed to explore the world around them and to use their imagination to construct their personal world.

A child who is not allowed to express themselves, who is held back from trying new things or who is manipulated to accept the choices of their caregiver will not fully develop their own true potential and talents. They may grow up not knowing how to please themselves; instead they look to the world outside of themselves for validation (like a proverbial social parent). In a sense they never fully mature as an autonomous individual and may feel as if the apron strings were never completely cut.

It is not a good idea to attempt to mold our children into "mini me's." Eventually they will resent the manipulation and rebel, or worse yet, they will grow into adulthood never having confidence in who they are or in their ability to make personal choices.

Labels: controling parents, parenting, self expression

"Our 6 year old used to be a perfect angel, but lately she has been telling lies. She even lies about things that wouldn't get her into trouble. What has gone wrong and how can we stop her from lying?"

It is common for parents to become worried when their child begins telling tales. And more often than not parents have no idea why their once honest child is now telling lies.

Most children tell lies from time to time, especially after entering grade school. Lying is a learned form of communication. Children are inherently honest so it is only after noticing someone else telling tales that they begin to understand that lying is another way to communicate.

Children often learn to lie from other children. It doesn't take long before they realize that lying is a way to avoid responsibility for unacceptable behavior. Children who develop a habit of lying have generally learned dishonesty from their parents.

When children begin to comprehend language they listen to everything their parents say as they attempt to understand the complexities of communication. If they hear their parents saying things that are not truthful they learn that lying is moral and acceptable.

My own mother would vehemently deny teaching me how to lie, however I have many memories of her doing just that. For instance, when I was about 7 years old I heard her tell a friend that she was two years younger than she actually was. I interrupted, letting her and her friend know the truth. My embarrassed mother told her friend that I didn't know what I was talking about. The fact was, I did, and in that interaction I learned that lying was OK.

Another time while going to a drive-in-movie, my mother told me to get under my blanket and suck my thumb so that I looked like a three year old. She didn't want to pay for my entry into the movie. I was probably about 5 but I remember already understanding that tricking the ticket-taker was an acceptable and "fun" game.

When I talk with parents about their child's problem it doesn't take long before they begin to see that the greater problem is theirs. Seeing the truth, that they are responsible for their child's disregard for the truth, is a hard pill to swallow, but acknowledging your own dishonesty is necessary if you are to succeed at changing your child's behavior.

The next step is to talk honestly with your child about your own dishonest habits. Confession is cleansing and it allows the child to see that it is possible and preferable to stop lying. Change can become a family goal. The child will feel the support of the family as they make changes in their communication style.

Next it is imperative that the parent actively look for positive communications from the child. Sometimes a parent has developed a habit of seeing only bad behavior in a particular child, making it difficult to see the good behaviors. But if permanent change is to take place the child needs to experience praise and acknowledgment for appropriate behaviors. Just as they had to learn the inappropriate behavior, they now have to be shown what constitutes acceptable behavior.

Last but not least, it is important not only to address the child's lie, but to address what they are lying about. If the lie is about feeding the dog their green beans, it is important to address the underlying reason for not wanting to eat the green beans. Perhaps they were cold and yucky or maybe the child feared being punished. Help the child ease their initial distress, then help them feel safe enough to tell the truth next time.

Children come into this world like a blank slate waiting to be written on. They grow and develop by mirroring what they hear and see from those around them. If they are raised in day care, the day care workers will have an enormous effect on the child's development. If the child is surrounded by extended family the communication styles and behaviors they witness will be incorporated into their own way of being in the world. Most of all, be aware of your own behaviors and how you are influencing your child.

Labels: children, communication, lying, parenting

I had a friend once who had intense, frequent thoughts of her own death. She imagined that she was going to be hit by a car. Although she was in therapy, she was not getting the help she needed, and before long she found it difficult to drive her car, fearing an accident. She so feared the power of her thoughts that she eventually became afraid to leave her home for fear of being hit by a car. She was 23, and the last time I heard from her, 10 years later, she was still housebound. To preserve her live she imprisoned herself in her home and stopped living.

Many people with Obsessive Compulsive disorder (OCD) have frequent thoughts of catastrophic death, either their own or that of their family members. The anxiety they feel when thoughts pop into their mind is so powerful that they can come to believe that their thoughts have the power to create the imagined catastrophe. To anyone else, that sounds downright crazy, but for the person experiencing the obsessive thought it seems very real.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a common topic on the talk show circuit, but what most people don't know is that most of us have some degree of obsessive and or compulsive tendencies. Obsessions are when you can't stop thinking about something, like worrying about whether or not you locked the door. Compulsions are when you feel compelled to do something, such as repeatedly checking to see if you really did lock the door.

Compulsive or obsessive tendencies don't become a problem unless they begin to verge on the irrational, or they begin to negatively impact your life or the life of those around you. For instance, you have to check the front door several times in order to feel secure, or you begin to feel anxious, worrying that the door might not have been locked properly. You might even return home prematurely in order to appease your anxiety.

One of the most devastating problems that results from a parent with irrational obsessions or compulsions is the negative impact it can have on the lives of their children. A parent that is overly afraid of germs, unhealthy foods or engaging in specific activities will inadvertently teach their children to fear the world.

I have seen children that were never allowed to jump on a trampoline or to stay overnight with a friend because of their parent's heightened anxiety and irrational fears. These children are being psychologically crippled by their neurotic parent. The fear based parent is forever changing who their child becomes, preventing them the freedom to explore the world around them or to live life to their fullest potential.

A parent terrified of their child being injured or dying may prevent them from swimming at the shore or bike riding with their friends. A parent who makes their child pay the price for their anxiety will unwittingly raise a child who reacts in one of two ways. Either the child will become rebellious, angry, and unable to discern between safe and unsafe activities. Or the child may adapt to the parent's neurotic control by learning to see the world through a filter of fear, creating emotional paralysis.

Living in a constant state of fear is a miserable, unhappy way to exist. But imposing our fears onto our innocent child is the saddest of all outcomes.

There is hope, but it requires the parent to choose the mental health of their child over their fears. Ask yourself, "Which do I love more, my child or my fear?"
It sounds harsh, but that is what it comes down to. Will you refuse treatment and choose instead to allow your irrational behaviors and thoughts to negatively impact your family, or do you choose to protect your child from psychological harm by getting help for yourself?

Facing your fear is nearly impossible without professional help. If it was easy you would have done it already. But addressing your fear is one of the quickest "fixes" in therapeutic terms. To help you with life immediately, a medication called an SSRI may be prescribed. But to get permanently past your obsessive-compulsive tendencies you will need the help of a skilled cognitive/behavioral therapist.

With professional help you will learn how to identify your irrational thoughts, how to replace them with rational thinking, and how to work through your fears. Unlike many types of therapy, this process can take as few as 6 sessions, and rarely more than 6 months.

Imagine your life becoming free from anxiety and fear in as little as 6 weeks to 6 months. Six months is going to come and go weather or not you get help. How do you want to be living six months from now? How important is it to you to protect your children from emotional harm? Bite the bullet. Get the help. Choose life!

Labels: children, compulsions, mental health, obsessions, OCD, parenting, SSRI, therapy

Babies are born with a highly developed startle reflex which is natures way of alerting them to danger. Infants can be startled by loud or strange noises and sudden unexpected movements. As the infant grows into babyhood unfamiliar sights such as a Halloween mask can startle and even frighten them. Toddlers may experience anxiety when a loved one leaves the room, but this is different than fears or phobias. It is anxiety about the uncertainty of being left behind. Beyond that babies just don't develop fears and phobias.

Children develop fears and phobias via the example of their neurotic or phobic family members; especially if they are young and still strongly identifying with the parent. We live in a turbulent and sometimes frightening world, but the issues that frighten society at large are adult issues that should never be imposed on the child's psyche. In fact, children should be protected from all adult fears and phobias lest they take them on as their own crippling mindset. And that includes common fears such as fear of water, insects and heights.

Overly anxious, over protective parents create phobic children who are too afraid of life to experience life. When children watch a parent having mini-panic-attacks whenever they fall down, when they get close to water or when they approach a dog they get a strong message that the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

Do parks have pedophiles? Sure they do. But that is no reason to avoid them. It is a reason to learn how to be aware of your surroundings. Does the ocean have sharks? Sure it does but that is no reason to avoid it. It is a reason to learn how to be safe around water. If you live your life giving in to irrational fears that is your choice but don't psychologically cripple your children by imposing those fears onto them.

Children need to be taught that the world is full of opportunities, that it is a wonderful place to experience life and to express themselves. Sure there will be some tumbles along the way but it is far better to live life to the fullest knowing that you will scrape your knee once in a while than to lock yourself away in fear of falling.

Parents who keep their children from enjoying life are teaching them to fear life. And a fear-based life was never a fulfilling one.

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Labels: fear, parenting, phobia

Parenting is an exercise in evolution. As your child grows you, the parent, need to continually reassess your discipline techniques to fit your child's age and level of development.

From birth to about 10 months of age there is very little discipline that is needed. Infants aren't capable of misbehaving yet as they don't yet have the ability to understand the concept of right and wrong. By the time the child is 12 months old they have developed the cognitive ability to understand that some behaviors are acceptable and others are not. However, they haven't developed enough to determine which behaviors are right and which aren't. Consequently a child under one year of age cannot misbehave.

This is not to say that babies cannot try a parent's patience, but at this young age it is the parent that needs to learn how to teach the child by example and with positive reinforcement. No other form of discipline will have a positive effect.

From 18 months to 3 years of age the child has begun to understand that they are capable of getting the parent's attention via certain behaviors. They begin to understand that some behaviors have negative consequences and others have positive consequences. The more positive experiences a child has the more they will engage in behaviors that have positive consequences. A child who is craving attention will often resort to behaviors with negative consequences. A child's need for parental interaction is greater than their fear of punishment.

That's not to say that even a well loved child won't act out. They will. Between the age of 15 months and 3 years the child wants to understand what the rules are. Rules make them feel safe and secure. So they will continually choose to engage in behaviors that they have previously been scolded for. They do it to reinforce the rule in their mind, not to upset the parent or to assert dominance in the home. They do it to see if the parent really meant it when they introduced a new rule. Little children need the rules to be enforced over and over again in order to trust that it is not negotiable.

Some forms of discipline are effective with children this young and others are very ineffective. The following is a list of discipline styles both effective and ineffective for children age 18 months to 3 years.

Effective:
Positive Reinforcement
Redirecting
Verbal Instruction/Explanation
Time-outs (no longer than one minute of time-out per year of life)

Ineffective:
Establishment of Rules
Grounding
Withholding Privileges


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Labels: discipline, infants, parenting, punishment, toddlers

It's that time of year again, when children are excitedly waiting to open their gifts, and parents are eager to get a few days off of work.

I have to admit I have gone a little crazy buying gifts for my granddaughters - just as I used to with my own kids - it's a sickness. When I'm shopping, all I can think of is the smiles on their faces and the joy I feel believing that I somehow succeeded in making them happy. But what I loose sight of is all of the other ways that happiness can be brought into their lives.

Intellectually I understand that real, lasting happiness comes with memories of time spent together, enjoying each other's company and creating family traditions. I realize that my kids, now adults, have fewer memories of what they got for Christmas than they have of family outings and moments when they felt loved and appreciated. So I'm not sure why it is still so easy to get back on that gift buying band wagon.

Perhaps it is our culture of materialism and commercialization. Maybe I'm making sure that they never have to feel disappointed or have their expectations dashed. But truly, I know that it is really about me. I'm buying them gifts to make me feel momentarily happy. But the holiday season isn't supposed to be all about me.

It's too late for me this year. After all we have already rented a U-haul to pack all the gifts from here to my granddaughter's house. So perhaps I should make this my New Years Resolution - "I will honor myself and my family by being less selfish and paying more attention to the quality and quantity of time that we have together." I will put my priorities in order and remember that material gifts will eventually fade and break apart. But families can be together forever, as long as we make a constant effort to bind them together with love instead of with stuff.

Labels: Christmas, family, gifts, kids, parenting

A while back I was counseling a couple who were parenting their grandchildren. The grandmother was still young and had her youngest boy still living at home. Her problem was patience - or lack of it, and aggressiveness.

Because of her lack of patience she often used physical attacks as a way to control a situation. I discovered this when the three-year-old told me that grandma had hit her and thrown her onto the bed when she was angry.

When the grandmother came to pick up the child I informed her of what had been said and told her I had to contact Child Protective Services. Of course she was very upset. But over the next few weeks I attempted to help her learn how to parent without violence.

During one session the three year old climbed onto the piano bench and began to bang on the keys. The grandmother instantly yelled at her but the child kept playing. The grandfather stood up, calmly went over to the girl and picked her up. He brought the child back to his seat and held her on his lap until she was willing to play quietly on the floor.

The grandmother was furious. She looked at me and exclaimed "See, she doesn't listen to anything I tell her, how am I supposed to make her mind if I don't hit her to get her attention?"

"Well," I said, "your husband just took care of the situation in a calm and non-violent way."

The grandmother looked as if she would explode, "But he had to get up and go get her off the piano" she yelled.

"Exactly." I responded.

Parenting takes time as well as common sense and some education. Expecting the three-year-old to automatically obey just because she was told to do something is like expecting a dog to do tricks with no reward - it just isn't going to happen. Parenting requires the parent to interact with the child as they teach the child rules, values and expectations. And more often than not, that means doing more than just making demands.

Don't be a lazy parent. Being a successful parent requires your undivided attention, lot's of energy and your time. Anything less will result in frustration, both now and down the road.

Labels: discipline, parenting, spanking, toddlers

For the past week I have been here at Disney World - The Magic Kingdom, the land where children's dream are supposed to come true. Although it is just my husband and I it has been great fun - for the most part.

But both my husband and I have found ourselves distressed upon seeing out-of-control parents destroying their child's happiness at what is supposed to be The Happiest Place on Earth.

Not a day has passed that we haven't seen one or two parents yelling at, threatening or even swatting their child. It has caused me to wonder about the unhappy life these children might be suffering everyday.

Just the fact that the parents were willing to bring the child to Disney World and pay the exorbitant entrance fees causes me to believe that these parents are indeed trying to create happy family memories. But something in them, perhaps mental instability or memories of their own unhappy childhood has caused them to lash out at their innocent child instead of relishing this opportunity to let the small things slide - at least for the day.

For instance, While standing in line waiting to be let into the park a Disney character offered a young girl a balloon. This made her smile with pride and glee. For the next ten minutes or so the mother continually chastised the girl for allowing the balloon to move about. Now you must understand that there was a breeze that morning, and I watched as the girl tried pointlessly to keep the balloon stable, but still the mother swatted her arm, threatened her with a guttural, monstrous voice as she clinched her teeth together, crouched down to the child's face and pinched her shoulder with her large, muscular hands. The mother's nostrils and cheeks flared as she growled at her daughter. It was as if she assumed that her theatrics could not be seen or heard by the crowed crammed tightly around them.

I nearly cried as I watched the child's expression of specialness and glee fall into one of fear and confusion. It was clear that the girl didn't know how to "be." And it appeared to me that she was terrified to emote any further happiness. I wondered what her day would be like and what memories she would take home with her.

What a difference a parent can make in the lives of their children - for better or for worse.

Labels: anger, happiness, parenting, self control

I remember back in the 70's and 80's it was not uncommon to see parents yelling at or abusing their children in public. I thought about this the other day when it occurred to me that it had been years since I had confronted one of those parents. So I'm thinking that either parents today are more savvy about child rearing or they have learned to keep it indoors. Overall, I'd like to believe the former.

Most parents have their child's best interest at heart. Of course there will always be those who have unresolved anger stemming from their own violent childhood and their lack of discipline as an adult. Overall I think parents today are more enlightened than they were in the 70's.

Although parents seem to be better educated these days about the negative consequences that accompany negative reinforcement, there still are those who hold onto their belief that hitting, spanking a child, is the best way to get their attention or to make a point. Their misguided belief is often connected to their own childhood and the fact that they were hit by their parents. Children live what they learn and if they learn that spanking is an acceptable form of violence and it is the best way to discipline they they will continue to believe that as an adult.

I don't buy the argument that "I was hit and I turned out OK." In fact you didn't turn out OK. You were never taught how to parent without violence and that is not OK. If your parents had disciplined you effectively without violence you would in fact find it perplexing that anyone could hold onto such a misinformed belief that spanking was the right way to teach a child.

Discipline that teaches the child how to reason and make correct choices in life involves patience, self-discipline and time. It requires the parent to actively participate in the learning process with the child and it requires that a parent be willing to set aside their selfish desires and attend to the problem at hand.

Parenting without violence produces children, and later adults, who do not have a propensity for violence themselves. They tend to grow into people who understand the difference between right and wrong - not because someone beat them into submission but because they were given the skills early on that enables them to take on life's drama with courage and self confidence.

If you have difficulty figuring out how to parent without violence, get yourself to a library and start reading up on healthy alternatives to disciplining your children. You will be glad you did.

Labels: abuse, discipline, parenting, spanking, violence

In a perfect world only people who would make good parents would have children. After getting married perspective parents would turn in a resume and later they would be called in for an interview. A panel of parenting experts would review the information provided and decide whether or not the couple could have a child. After every third child the panel would need be called in for another review, this time they would determine how the couple was dealing with their marriage and with their children.

But it isn't a perfect world and unfortunately there are far too many children being born to unprepared or unqualified parents - or parent. This week Britney Spears was ordered to turn over physical custody of her two little boys to her X, and in spite of having just lost her kids, she chose not to show up today to court for the custody hearing. K-Fed may not be the pinnacle of parenthood either but at least he is keeping his nose clean and trying to act like a father.

Another mother this week strangled and drowned her two toddlers in the bathtub. The autopsies showed that the children suffered as they died. She is claiming that her estranged, abusive husband is to blame because as her aunt put it, "he drove her to it."

And in my own neighborhood, a little 13 year old foster child is pregnant and plans to keep the baby. She wants someone to love her, to make her feel like she has a purpose in life. No baby should come into the world with a job, and certainly not the job of being responsible for its mothers' feelings.

OK, I'm ranting. I admit that when I first became a mother I had an awful lot to learn and I made mistakes along the way. But always present in my mind was the desire to be the best mother I was capable of. Somehow I was aware that every choice I made needed to be for the best interest of my child. I read hundreds of books, went to parenting classes and perhaps most important, I spent my time with my children rather than perusing my own desires.

It will never be a perfect world. But perhaps those of us who are doing our best to put our children first can raise a generation of happy, well balanced kids that will do enough good in the world to balance out those who will be stuck in therapy the for rest of their life.

Labels: Britney Spears, K-Fed, motherhood, parenting

I know a mom with a 16 month old daughter who just learned to crawl. The mom is an attentive, loving and devoted woman, but she is paralyzed with fear that her daughter will do something dangerous and be injured. Because she is a friend and not a client I don't offer her advice unless she asks for it, but at times I have to bite my tongue.

Children learn by doing. They learn more from their falls than they do from their successes. And when we protect them to the point of preventing them from trying new things we are preventing them from going into and working through some very important developmental stages in their life.

Generally I see this happening more with female children than with male children. Perhaps it is the cultural stereotype of teaching boys to be tough, and training little girls to be quiet and ladylike. Whatever the reason, all children regardless of their gender need to be allowed to experiment, and occasionally fall. When they do they will determine what they need to do differently next time to prevent themselves from falling.

If children aren't allowed to learn by trial and error they will never learn how to walk through life with courage and self confidence. By protecting our children from getting a scrape or two we are crippling them for life.

Labels: children, courage, education, family, kids, learning, overprotective, parenting, protect, safety, self confidence

I recently read an article - an interview - with Jodi Foster that really grabbed my attention. Now a mother of 2 boys, Ms. Foster and her female companion are raising the boys much like Jodi herself was raised after her parent's divorced (before her birth) and her mother took in her female lover. That isn't what grabbed me.

What really struck me was that in the beginning of the interview she vehemently advocated raising children in a fatherless home. She said, "I don't think a father is necessary to raising a happy, healthy baby." But several paragraphs later she seemed to forget her proclamation when she began to talk about her unhappy childhood without a father. She admits that she is "still haunted by a sense of loss caused by my father's absence. I always say I keep making the same movies over and over again (in an attempt to resolve my pain). It's a long emotional journey to be able to let go and say goodbye."

From a psychological standpoint the article was very interesting. I'm not attempting to bash Jodi Foster here however. In fact this story could apply to a great many Hollywood "moms" out there. But I am struck with the ease with which people are so willing to rationalize the choices they make for their own children without putting 2 and 2 together to see just how much pain they have suffered because their parent made those same choices.

The fact is that children who are raised in a loving home with both a mother and a father are far more likely to grow up to be happy, whole individuals far more often than children who are not raised in a nuclear family. This is not just a matter of personal opinion. Hundreds of proper studies and eons of time have confirmed this as a fact, regardless of the culture or economic status of the family.

Men are far more than sperm donors. They balance us out. They offer our children something that no woman can give. A woman cannot teach a boy how to become a man any more than a man can empathize with a woman about childbirth.

So if we are going to embrace a culture of fatherless children, perhaps we should prepare ourselves and society for the fall-out. All choices have consequences. Let's not make our children suffer for ours.

Labels: children, dads, family, Fathers, gay, Jodi Foster, kids, learning, parenting, self esteem, self worth, single mothers

I was about 5 when I decided that the 6" candy bar in the check out isle should be mine. Somehow I knew that my mom wouldn't buy it for me so I stuffed it under my shirt. "That was easy," I thought. So I stuffed another one and then a third. I looked down at my shirt to see if my crime was obvious. It was, but I told myself that no one seemed to notice so it must be OK.

When my mom went to pay for her groceries, she told the cashier to charge her for 3 candy bars. I was momentarily confused until she looked at me and told me to take them out from under my shirt. I had been caught. She made me apologize to the clerk who told me that I should never do that again - and I didn't.

About 75 percent of children attempt to shoplift at least once in their formative years. But it is largely the reactions of their parents that determine whether or not they will attempt a repeat performance.

Parents who ignore the behavior, or who openly find it amusing only encourage the child to continue to feel entitled to anything s/he sees. The lesson of honesty and respecting what belongs to other's is not learned. On the other hand, if the parent makes the child take responsibility for their misbehavior by apologizing to a store manager, the child is much less likely to steal again.

After apologizing the child should either pay for the stolen item or work off the appropriate amount of money with chores. However it is never appropriate to give the child the stolen item, even after they have made restitution. Doing so would only reward the child for their crime.

Labels: children, communication, discipline, family, kids, learning, parenting, shop lifting, stealing

Anorexia and Bulimia used to be thought of as a teenage disorder, not any more. Children as young as 4 years old are developing the deadly disorder. There may be a neurological component that predisposes some girls to an eating disorder, but research to date indicates that the vast majority of children who develop eating disorders have done so as a defense against an emotional dilemma.

There are several similarities in family dynamics of children who develop serious issues involving food. For most children it is a combination of beginning to feel badly about their body and feeling as if they don't have control over any aspects of their life other than food and weight.

"A recent study (Davison, Earnest, Birch; Participation in Aesthetic sports; International Journal of Eating Disorders April 2002 pgs. 315-316) demonstrates that in comparison to girls who participated in non-aesthetic sports or no sports, girls who participated in aesthetic sports reported higher weight concerns at ages 5 and 7 and girls who participated in aesthetic sports at ages 5 and 7 reported the greatest concern about their weight."

Children who are in several after school activities that focus on their bodies (ballet, Karate, soccer etc.)can become worried that their body isn't good enough, or that they aren't as thin or as athletic as another person on the team. This combined with a family dynamic that focus on weight or the weight of others is a set up for an eating disorder.

Girls who have mothers who are frequently dieting, talking about their weight, or the child's weight are setting their daughters up for at minimal a distorted body image. If the family tolerates negative remarks about others who are heavy or if the child is compared to others physically, the child is being molded perfectly for an eating disorder.

A family that is filled with chaos such as a having a parent with an alcohol or drug addiction is creating a home in which the child feels little or no control over their life. In these situations it is not uncommon for a child to learn that the only thing they can control is their food intake. This can lead to everything from anorexia to obesity.

Take care to be a healthy example to your children by conducting yourself in a way that shows that you feel good about yourself and that you have no bias against people who are heavy. Your good example will go a long way to helping your child develop a healthy outlook toward themselves and others.

Labels: children, eating disorder, family, kids, parenting, pica, self esteem

Many years ago I made a comment to a friend that if she continued to force her daughters to finish everything on their plates that they would develop eating disorders. Of course my comments fell on defensive ears - I wasn't very tactful back then.

Two decades later she confided in me that her daughters were both morbidly obese and how she often thought about my comment, and her previous lack of belief in my words. Now, she is dealing with the mortality of her two adult daughters and she wishes she could do it all over again - differently this time.

Mom's are naturally sensitive to what their children are eating - or not eating; attempting to control our child's intake is often a sore spot for both mother and child. But control isn't often the answer to a toddler's picky eating habits. A better way is to let them pick at the variety of foods you have offered them until they are feeling satiated or satisfied.

Children by the time they are old enough to feed themselves with finger foods are generally pretty good at figuring out what their body needs. It is an innate ability for human beings to crave what they need and to dislike what they don't need. That is why a toddler may hate peas at one meal but love them at the next. They want them when their body needs the particular nutrients that the peas have to offer.

As adults we are so far removed from knowing how to listen to our body, to interpret it's code and to trust that it knows exactly what it needs, that we begin the process of teaching our children to rely on what others tell them to eat instead of nurturing their ability to feed themselves in a healthy way for them.

If you are providing your child a variety of foods such as protein, fruit, vegetables, simple and complex carbohydrates as well as regularly introducing new foods for them to try, your child will pick and choose what they actually need now to help their body benefit most.

However if you allow your poor snacking habits to become your child's poor snacking habits, their innate ability to know how to eat properly will begin to diminish. If this is a regular occurrence your child will - like you - begin to crave sweets and fats that temporarily trick the body into believing it is getting what it needs. And that will be the start of a life-long eating disorder.

Next week I will cover another aspect of how eating disorders may have their roots in early childhood and what you can do to prevent your children from developing one.

For more on eating disorders click here to go to Psych-Net Mental Health

Labels: children, eating disorder, education, family, food, kids, parenting, self esteem, teens