Parenting - The Owners Manual

Parenting can quickly become an issue about the differences between male and female behaviors. Like it or not, men and women are different creatures and they behave toward their children in differing ways. Most mothers have a strong sense of protection with their children. This is an instinctual response that in previous eras was necessary to keep children from being being eaten by predators, falling off cliffs or eating a poisonous mushroom.

In our 1st-world modern culture the threats to our children's lives are not a daily event, but generations of rational, protective instincts have been routed into overprotection and neurotic, fear-based, parenting styles. That isn't to say that we no longer need to protect our children from harm; it does mean that we need to overcome our basal instincts and modernize them to fit with the real risks in our current social structure.

For instance, instead of overreacting with fear and a knee-jerk reaction when your 2-year-old son wants to clime a small wall, give yourself a step back, take a deep breath and think rationally. He is learning far more than he is risking by learning to climb and balance on that wall. And if he falls, he is learning what his limits are and how he can keep from falling again the next time. Children need to explore. It is the fundamental way they stimulate certain areas of their brain to learn deductive reasoning. If these areas of the brain have had a wide variety of life-experience from which to learn from, the child-turned-adult will be far better prepared to take on real-life hurdles and to traverse them successfully. Learning deductive reasoning cannot happen in a vacuum. It requires external stimulation including:

1. curiosity that is allowed to play out in discovery
2. attempts to tackle hurdles that may appear challenging or even frightening
3. occasional failure from which a new strategy can be devised for the next attempt.
4. encouragement from someone who helps the child learn lessons in a positive way.

A parents' role is to supervise the child, encourage the child and offer different options to guide them toward success. A two year old will frequently ignore a parent's suggestions and that is a great learning and growth opportunity as well. The child eventually learns that his way may or may not work to his satisfaction and he may eventually discover that the parent had a good idea after all - building a two way trust in the relationship.

Dads often support their children's desire to climb, throw sticks and build rock dams in creeks. Mom's are often filled with anxiety about all the "what ifs" that run through her mind as she imagines something going wrong. Sometimes the family has a double standard that says it is OK for boys to play rough but not for girls. This forcing of gender based roles can have devastating effects of the psyche of the child such as becoming mentally, psychologically and spiritually stunted and/or confused.

Another mistake parents make is to attempt to make their boys behave like girls. This is particularly true in families who have had daughters first. When a rambunctious little boy with innate desires to rumble, fight and make huge messes comes into their life, the parents instinct is to make him behave like his sisters, or to chastise him for acting like a boy - loud, energetic and restless. They may even allow their perfect little man to be put on powerful drugs to make him act more like the sweet little girls at his school. Then, years later, the parents wonder why their child has identity issues and/or drug problems.

Getting a bump on the noggin is not the end of the world for your child. And parents who act as though a bump on the head somehow reflects back onto them as being a neglectful parent, are actually advertising their insecurity to the world. To them being a parent is all about them...not the child. They fear that someone will see the bruise and think the worst, when they should be thinking about their child's need to learn through exploration and experience life with all of its bumps and tumbles. Bruises heal, but being mentally stunted is a lifelong illness that can turn into an internal prison for your child.

Many serious and often incurable mental disorders such as Anxiety Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Agoraphobia and other Phobic Disorders are common in children who have been chronically overprotected by parents who ignorantly meant well or who selfishly pandered to their own anxieties by holding on to tight or controlling over zealously.

Keeping your child from jumping on his cousins trampoline because he might experience fright or a skinned knee (both of which will heal within a day or two), is a steep price to pay to rescue yourself from your own anxieties. Preventing your child from experiencing life, based on your own irrational fears is child abuse.

Next time your child wants to try the jungle-gym support his brave and curious nature. Stand next to him for moral support and let him climb. Tell him that if he falls you will be right there to help him get back up and try again. Make it a fun, anxiety free experience for both of you.

Labels: child abuse, children, discipline, Fathers, learning, overprotective, phobia, protect, toddlers

I recently read an article - an interview - with Jodi Foster that really grabbed my attention. Now a mother of 2 boys, Ms. Foster and her female companion are raising the boys much like Jodi herself was raised after her parent's divorced (before her birth) and her mother took in her female lover. That isn't what grabbed me.

What really struck me was that in the beginning of the interview she vehemently advocated raising children in a fatherless home. She said, "I don't think a father is necessary to raising a happy, healthy baby." But several paragraphs later she seemed to forget her proclamation when she began to talk about her unhappy childhood without a father. She admits that she is "still haunted by a sense of loss caused by my father's absence. I always say I keep making the same movies over and over again (in an attempt to resolve my pain). It's a long emotional journey to be able to let go and say goodbye."

From a psychological standpoint the article was very interesting. I'm not attempting to bash Jodi Foster here however. In fact this story could apply to a great many Hollywood "moms" out there. But I am struck with the ease with which people are so willing to rationalize the choices they make for their own children without putting 2 and 2 together to see just how much pain they have suffered because their parent made those same choices.

The fact is that children who are raised in a loving home with both a mother and a father are far more likely to grow up to be happy, whole individuals far more often than children who are not raised in a nuclear family. This is not just a matter of personal opinion. Hundreds of proper studies and eons of time have confirmed this as a fact, regardless of the culture or economic status of the family.

Men are far more than sperm donors. They balance us out. They offer our children something that no woman can give. A woman cannot teach a boy how to become a man any more than a man can empathize with a woman about childbirth.

So if we are going to embrace a culture of fatherless children, perhaps we should prepare ourselves and society for the fall-out. All choices have consequences. Let's not make our children suffer for ours.

Labels: children, dads, family, Fathers, gay, Jodi Foster, kids, learning, parenting, self esteem, self worth, single mothers