Killing the Joy - Another Parenting Mistake
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
For the past week I have been here at Disney World - The Magic Kingdom, the land where children's dream are supposed to come true. Although it is just my husband and I it has been great fun - for the most part.
But both my husband and I have found ourselves distressed upon seeing out-of-control parents destroying their child's happiness at what is supposed to be The Happiest Place on Earth.
Not a day has passed that we haven't seen one or two parents yelling at, threatening or even swatting their child. It has caused me to wonder about the unhappy life these children might be suffering everyday.
Just the fact that the parents were willing to bring the child to Disney World and pay the exorbitant entrance fees causes me to believe that these parents are indeed trying to create happy family memories. But something in them, perhaps mental instability or memories of their own unhappy childhood has caused them to lash out at their innocent child instead of relishing this opportunity to let the small things slide - at least for the day.
For instance, While standing in line waiting to be let into the park a Disney character offered a young girl a balloon. This made her smile with pride and glee. For the next ten minutes or so the mother continually chastised the girl for allowing the balloon to move about. Now you must understand that there was a breeze that morning, and I watched as the girl tried pointlessly to keep the balloon stable, but still the mother swatted her arm, threatened her with a guttural, monstrous voice as she clinched her teeth together, crouched down to the child's face and pinched her shoulder with her large, muscular hands. The mother's nostrils and cheeks flared as she growled at her daughter. It was as if she assumed that her theatrics could not be seen or heard by the crowed crammed tightly around them.
I nearly cried as I watched the child's expression of specialness and glee fall into one of fear and confusion. It was clear that the girl didn't know how to "be." And it appeared to me that she was terrified to emote any further happiness. I wondered what her day would be like and what memories she would take home with her.
What a difference a parent can make in the lives of their children - for better or for worse.
But both my husband and I have found ourselves distressed upon seeing out-of-control parents destroying their child's happiness at what is supposed to be The Happiest Place on Earth.
Not a day has passed that we haven't seen one or two parents yelling at, threatening or even swatting their child. It has caused me to wonder about the unhappy life these children might be suffering everyday.
Just the fact that the parents were willing to bring the child to Disney World and pay the exorbitant entrance fees causes me to believe that these parents are indeed trying to create happy family memories. But something in them, perhaps mental instability or memories of their own unhappy childhood has caused them to lash out at their innocent child instead of relishing this opportunity to let the small things slide - at least for the day.
For instance, While standing in line waiting to be let into the park a Disney character offered a young girl a balloon. This made her smile with pride and glee. For the next ten minutes or so the mother continually chastised the girl for allowing the balloon to move about. Now you must understand that there was a breeze that morning, and I watched as the girl tried pointlessly to keep the balloon stable, but still the mother swatted her arm, threatened her with a guttural, monstrous voice as she clinched her teeth together, crouched down to the child's face and pinched her shoulder with her large, muscular hands. The mother's nostrils and cheeks flared as she growled at her daughter. It was as if she assumed that her theatrics could not be seen or heard by the crowed crammed tightly around them.
I nearly cried as I watched the child's expression of specialness and glee fall into one of fear and confusion. It was clear that the girl didn't know how to "be." And it appeared to me that she was terrified to emote any further happiness. I wondered what her day would be like and what memories she would take home with her.
What a difference a parent can make in the lives of their children - for better or for worse.
Labels: anger, happiness, parenting, self control
Discipline Without Violence
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I remember back in the 70's and 80's it was not uncommon to see parents yelling at or abusing their children in public. I thought about this the other day when it occurred to me that it had been years since I had confronted one of those parents. So I'm thinking that either parents today are more savvy about child rearing or they have learned to keep it indoors. Overall, I'd like to believe the former.
Most parents have their child's best interest at heart. Of course there will always be those who have unresolved anger stemming from their own violent childhood and their lack of discipline as an adult. Overall I think parents today are more enlightened than they were in the 70's.
Although parents seem to be better educated these days about the negative consequences that accompany negative reinforcement, there still are those who hold onto their belief that hitting, spanking a child, is the best way to get their attention or to make a point. Their misguided belief is often connected to their own childhood and the fact that they were hit by their parents. Children live what they learn and if they learn that spanking is an acceptable form of violence and it is the best way to discipline they they will continue to believe that as an adult.
I don't buy the argument that "I was hit and I turned out OK." In fact you didn't turn out OK. You were never taught how to parent without violence and that is not OK. If your parents had disciplined you effectively without violence you would in fact find it perplexing that anyone could hold onto such a misinformed belief that spanking was the right way to teach a child.
Discipline that teaches the child how to reason and make correct choices in life involves patience, self-discipline and time. It requires the parent to actively participate in the learning process with the child and it requires that a parent be willing to set aside their selfish desires and attend to the problem at hand.
Parenting without violence produces children, and later adults, who do not have a propensity for violence themselves. They tend to grow into people who understand the difference between right and wrong - not because someone beat them into submission but because they were given the skills early on that enables them to take on life's drama with courage and self confidence.
If you have difficulty figuring out how to parent without violence, get yourself to a library and start reading up on healthy alternatives to disciplining your children. You will be glad you did.
Most parents have their child's best interest at heart. Of course there will always be those who have unresolved anger stemming from their own violent childhood and their lack of discipline as an adult. Overall I think parents today are more enlightened than they were in the 70's.
Although parents seem to be better educated these days about the negative consequences that accompany negative reinforcement, there still are those who hold onto their belief that hitting, spanking a child, is the best way to get their attention or to make a point. Their misguided belief is often connected to their own childhood and the fact that they were hit by their parents. Children live what they learn and if they learn that spanking is an acceptable form of violence and it is the best way to discipline they they will continue to believe that as an adult.
I don't buy the argument that "I was hit and I turned out OK." In fact you didn't turn out OK. You were never taught how to parent without violence and that is not OK. If your parents had disciplined you effectively without violence you would in fact find it perplexing that anyone could hold onto such a misinformed belief that spanking was the right way to teach a child.
Discipline that teaches the child how to reason and make correct choices in life involves patience, self-discipline and time. It requires the parent to actively participate in the learning process with the child and it requires that a parent be willing to set aside their selfish desires and attend to the problem at hand.
Parenting without violence produces children, and later adults, who do not have a propensity for violence themselves. They tend to grow into people who understand the difference between right and wrong - not because someone beat them into submission but because they were given the skills early on that enables them to take on life's drama with courage and self confidence.
If you have difficulty figuring out how to parent without violence, get yourself to a library and start reading up on healthy alternatives to disciplining your children. You will be glad you did.
Labels: abuse, discipline, parenting, spanking, violence
Britney Spears & Other Wonderful Mothers
Thursday, October 04, 2007
In a perfect world only people who would make good parents would have children. After getting married perspective parents would turn in a resume and later they would be called in for an interview. A panel of parenting experts would review the information provided and decide whether or not the couple could have a child. After every third child the panel would need be called in for another review, this time they would determine how the couple was dealing with their marriage and with their children.
But it isn't a perfect world and unfortunately there are far too many children being born to unprepared or unqualified parents - or parent. This week Britney Spears was ordered to turn over physical custody of her two little boys to her X, and in spite of having just lost her kids, she chose not to show up today to court for the custody hearing. K-Fed may not be the pinnacle of parenthood either but at least he is keeping his nose clean and trying to act like a father.
Another mother this week strangled and drowned her two toddlers in the bathtub. The autopsies showed that the children suffered as they died. She is claiming that her estranged, abusive husband is to blame because as her aunt put it, "he drove her to it."
And in my own neighborhood, a little 13 year old foster child is pregnant and plans to keep the baby. She wants someone to love her, to make her feel like she has a purpose in life. No baby should come into the world with a job, and certainly not the job of being responsible for its mothers' feelings.
OK, I'm ranting. I admit that when I first became a mother I had an awful lot to learn and I made mistakes along the way. But always present in my mind was the desire to be the best mother I was capable of. Somehow I was aware that every choice I made needed to be for the best interest of my child. I read hundreds of books, went to parenting classes and perhaps most important, I spent my time with my children rather than perusing my own desires.
It will never be a perfect world. But perhaps those of us who are doing our best to put our children first can raise a generation of happy, well balanced kids that will do enough good in the world to balance out those who will be stuck in therapy the for rest of their life.
But it isn't a perfect world and unfortunately there are far too many children being born to unprepared or unqualified parents - or parent. This week Britney Spears was ordered to turn over physical custody of her two little boys to her X, and in spite of having just lost her kids, she chose not to show up today to court for the custody hearing. K-Fed may not be the pinnacle of parenthood either but at least he is keeping his nose clean and trying to act like a father.
Another mother this week strangled and drowned her two toddlers in the bathtub. The autopsies showed that the children suffered as they died. She is claiming that her estranged, abusive husband is to blame because as her aunt put it, "he drove her to it."
And in my own neighborhood, a little 13 year old foster child is pregnant and plans to keep the baby. She wants someone to love her, to make her feel like she has a purpose in life. No baby should come into the world with a job, and certainly not the job of being responsible for its mothers' feelings.
OK, I'm ranting. I admit that when I first became a mother I had an awful lot to learn and I made mistakes along the way. But always present in my mind was the desire to be the best mother I was capable of. Somehow I was aware that every choice I made needed to be for the best interest of my child. I read hundreds of books, went to parenting classes and perhaps most important, I spent my time with my children rather than perusing my own desires.
It will never be a perfect world. But perhaps those of us who are doing our best to put our children first can raise a generation of happy, well balanced kids that will do enough good in the world to balance out those who will be stuck in therapy the for rest of their life.
Labels: Britney Spears, K-Fed, motherhood, parenting