Don't Be a Lazy Parent
Friday, November 30, 2007
A while back I was counseling a couple who were parenting their grandchildren. The grandmother was still young and had her youngest boy still living at home. Her problem was patience - or lack of it, and aggressiveness.
Because of her lack of patience she often used physical attacks as a way to control a situation. I discovered this when the three-year-old told me that grandma had hit her and thrown her onto the bed when she was angry.
When the grandmother came to pick up the child I informed her of what had been said and told her I had to contact Child Protective Services. Of course she was very upset. But over the next few weeks I attempted to help her learn how to parent without violence.
During one session the three year old climbed onto the piano bench and began to bang on the keys. The grandmother instantly yelled at her but the child kept playing. The grandfather stood up, calmly went over to the girl and picked her up. He brought the child back to his seat and held her on his lap until she was willing to play quietly on the floor.
The grandmother was furious. She looked at me and exclaimed "See, she doesn't listen to anything I tell her, how am I supposed to make her mind if I don't hit her to get her attention?"
"Well," I said, "your husband just took care of the situation in a calm and non-violent way."
The grandmother looked as if she would explode, "But he had to get up and go get her off the piano" she yelled.
"Exactly." I responded.
Parenting takes time as well as common sense and some education. Expecting the three-year-old to automatically obey just because she was told to do something is like expecting a dog to do tricks with no reward - it just isn't going to happen. Parenting requires the parent to interact with the child as they teach the child rules, values and expectations. And more often than not, that means doing more than just making demands.
Don't be a lazy parent. Being a successful parent requires your undivided attention, lot's of energy and your time. Anything less will result in frustration, both now and down the road.
Because of her lack of patience she often used physical attacks as a way to control a situation. I discovered this when the three-year-old told me that grandma had hit her and thrown her onto the bed when she was angry.
When the grandmother came to pick up the child I informed her of what had been said and told her I had to contact Child Protective Services. Of course she was very upset. But over the next few weeks I attempted to help her learn how to parent without violence.
During one session the three year old climbed onto the piano bench and began to bang on the keys. The grandmother instantly yelled at her but the child kept playing. The grandfather stood up, calmly went over to the girl and picked her up. He brought the child back to his seat and held her on his lap until she was willing to play quietly on the floor.
The grandmother was furious. She looked at me and exclaimed "See, she doesn't listen to anything I tell her, how am I supposed to make her mind if I don't hit her to get her attention?"
"Well," I said, "your husband just took care of the situation in a calm and non-violent way."
The grandmother looked as if she would explode, "But he had to get up and go get her off the piano" she yelled.
"Exactly." I responded.
Parenting takes time as well as common sense and some education. Expecting the three-year-old to automatically obey just because she was told to do something is like expecting a dog to do tricks with no reward - it just isn't going to happen. Parenting requires the parent to interact with the child as they teach the child rules, values and expectations. And more often than not, that means doing more than just making demands.
Don't be a lazy parent. Being a successful parent requires your undivided attention, lot's of energy and your time. Anything less will result in frustration, both now and down the road.
Labels: discipline, parenting, spanking, toddlers
1 Comments:
Thank you for this concise and illuminating article. The anecdote about the grandmother is so eye-opening. Simple laziness is often at the heart of our most painful parenting blunders. The last three lines of this article are very important to remember. Thank you again for this article.
commented by 
Anonymous, 11:49 PM
Anonymous, 11:49 PM