Parenting - The Owners Manual

Parenting can quickly become an issue about the differences between male and female behaviors. Like it or not, men and women are different creatures and they behave toward their children in differing ways. Most mothers have a strong sense of protection with their children. This is an instinctual response that in previous eras was necessary to keep children from being being eaten by predators, falling off cliffs or eating a poisonous mushroom.

In our 1st-world modern culture the threats to our children's lives are not a daily event, but generations of rational, protective instincts have been routed into overprotection and neurotic, fear-based, parenting styles. That isn't to say that we no longer need to protect our children from harm; it does mean that we need to overcome our basal instincts and modernize them to fit with the real risks in our current social structure.

For instance, instead of overreacting with fear and a knee-jerk reaction when your 2-year-old son wants to clime a small wall, give yourself a step back, take a deep breath and think rationally. He is learning far more than he is risking by learning to climb and balance on that wall. And if he falls, he is learning what his limits are and how he can keep from falling again the next time. Children need to explore. It is the fundamental way they stimulate certain areas of their brain to learn deductive reasoning. If these areas of the brain have had a wide variety of life-experience from which to learn from, the child-turned-adult will be far better prepared to take on real-life hurdles and to traverse them successfully. Learning deductive reasoning cannot happen in a vacuum. It requires external stimulation including:

1. curiosity that is allowed to play out in discovery
2. attempts to tackle hurdles that may appear challenging or even frightening
3. occasional failure from which a new strategy can be devised for the next attempt.
4. encouragement from someone who helps the child learn lessons in a positive way.

A parents' role is to supervise the child, encourage the child and offer different options to guide them toward success. A two year old will frequently ignore a parent's suggestions and that is a great learning and growth opportunity as well. The child eventually learns that his way may or may not work to his satisfaction and he may eventually discover that the parent had a good idea after all - building a two way trust in the relationship.

Dads often support their children's desire to climb, throw sticks and build rock dams in creeks. Mom's are often filled with anxiety about all the "what ifs" that run through her mind as she imagines something going wrong. Sometimes the family has a double standard that says it is OK for boys to play rough but not for girls. This forcing of gender based roles can have devastating effects of the psyche of the child such as becoming mentally, psychologically and spiritually stunted and/or confused.

Another mistake parents make is to attempt to make their boys behave like girls. This is particularly true in families who have had daughters first. When a rambunctious little boy with innate desires to rumble, fight and make huge messes comes into their life, the parents instinct is to make him behave like his sisters, or to chastise him for acting like a boy - loud, energetic and restless. They may even allow their perfect little man to be put on powerful drugs to make him act more like the sweet little girls at his school. Then, years later, the parents wonder why their child has identity issues and/or drug problems.

Getting a bump on the noggin is not the end of the world for your child. And parents who act as though a bump on the head somehow reflects back onto them as being a neglectful parent, are actually advertising their insecurity to the world. To them being a parent is all about them...not the child. They fear that someone will see the bruise and think the worst, when they should be thinking about their child's need to learn through exploration and experience life with all of its bumps and tumbles. Bruises heal, but being mentally stunted is a lifelong illness that can turn into an internal prison for your child.

Many serious and often incurable mental disorders such as Anxiety Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Agoraphobia and other Phobic Disorders are common in children who have been chronically overprotected by parents who ignorantly meant well or who selfishly pandered to their own anxieties by holding on to tight or controlling over zealously.

Keeping your child from jumping on his cousins trampoline because he might experience fright or a skinned knee (both of which will heal within a day or two), is a steep price to pay to rescue yourself from your own anxieties. Preventing your child from experiencing life, based on your own irrational fears is child abuse.

Next time your child wants to try the jungle-gym support his brave and curious nature. Stand next to him for moral support and let him climb. Tell him that if he falls you will be right there to help him get back up and try again. Make it a fun, anxiety free experience for both of you.

Labels: child abuse, children, discipline, Fathers, learning, overprotective, phobia, protect, toddlers

Babies are born with a highly developed startle reflex which is natures way of alerting them to danger. Infants can be startled by loud or strange noises and sudden unexpected movements. As the infant grows into babyhood unfamiliar sights such as a Halloween mask can startle and even frighten them. Toddlers may experience anxiety when a loved one leaves the room, but this is different than fears or phobias. It is anxiety about the uncertainty of being left behind. Beyond that babies just don't develop fears and phobias.

Children develop fears and phobias via the example of their neurotic or phobic family members; especially if they are young and still strongly identifying with the parent. We live in a turbulent and sometimes frightening world, but the issues that frighten society at large are adult issues that should never be imposed on the child's psyche. In fact, children should be protected from all adult fears and phobias lest they take them on as their own crippling mindset. And that includes common fears such as fear of water, insects and heights.

Overly anxious, over protective parents create phobic children who are too afraid of life to experience life. When children watch a parent having mini-panic-attacks whenever they fall down, when they get close to water or when they approach a dog they get a strong message that the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

Do parks have pedophiles? Sure they do. But that is no reason to avoid them. It is a reason to learn how to be aware of your surroundings. Does the ocean have sharks? Sure it does but that is no reason to avoid it. It is a reason to learn how to be safe around water. If you live your life giving in to irrational fears that is your choice but don't psychologically cripple your children by imposing those fears onto them.

Children need to be taught that the world is full of opportunities, that it is a wonderful place to experience life and to express themselves. Sure there will be some tumbles along the way but it is far better to live life to the fullest knowing that you will scrape your knee once in a while than to lock yourself away in fear of falling.

Parents who keep their children from enjoying life are teaching them to fear life. And a fear-based life was never a fulfilling one.

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Labels: fear, parenting, phobia