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Parenting - The Owners Manual

Tips and information for parenting kids aged 0-12. See Thursdays Blog for Parenting Teens.

Dealing With Your Child's Shyness

Monday, February 26, 2007

Why do some children seem naturally social while others seem fearful and shy? The answer could be in your child's genes. Research has shown that infants who display a high frequency of motor activity and negative affect at 4 months of age are likely to become behaviorally inhibited toddlers.

This research has shown that testing an infants saliva at age 4 months can determine if the child has a predisposition for shyness. Infants with an increased amount of cortisol were shown to be more fearful and shy in social situations at age 4 than those who did not show increased levels of cortisol as infants.

However, this study doesn't rule out nurture as an explanation for shyness in children. Other studies have shown that parents can increase their child's level of shyness by nurturing that behavior. "Some parents, by labeling their children as shy, appear to encourage a self- fulfilling prophecy, Adults may cajole coyly shy children into social interaction, thus reinforcing shy behavior (Zimbardo and Radl, 1981)."

So if your Toddler begins to show signs of fearfulness in social situations don't be too quick to try to correct their behavior - they may just be programmed that way, and forcing them into fearful interactions only reinforces the anti-social behavior. As with most parenting dilemmas, the more you push, the more they recoil. Let them figure the world out in their own way and both of you will be happier for it.
posted by Karen Dougherty, 11:50 PM | link | 0 comments |

Kids & Valentines Day - Like Fire and Dynamite

Monday, February 12, 2007

This is the week of love; a classic time to show those you love how much you love them and how willing you are to go out of your way to present them with an appropriate sentiment. But lest we forget, The biggest celebrators just may be your kids. So while your own drama is just getting underway, (trying to find an hour of alone time with your honey) your little ones are dealing with all that comes with this interesting American Holiday.

Wile at school, your children are stuffing their faces with cupcakes, Cola and candy hearts - getting higher every minute on sugar and caffeine. Depending on your child's hierarchal placement in the class, s/he is either really thrilled with all the valentines cards they get - especially that one from handsome David Moor. Or perhaps your child is the one who feels unpopular in general and takes each card with the feelings of formality and dread believing that non of them have any real sentiment attached to them.

Either way, when they get home from school you are going to have to put your plans on hold to listen, to sooth and support your sugar-coated drama queen long enough to allow them to fully express their jabbery rendition of the day and all of its important details. This will help deflate any unpleasant feelings the child has been storing up all day; and it will help to vent some of their sugar high.

You might as well accept it now, Halloween and Valentines day are two of the best loved holidays by children and they can have an enormous impact on their sense of self. If they are the popular one, they will need to be taught compassion for others who are not as fortunate, It they are the wall flower they will need to be taught self worth and courage. If they are the bully, they need to be stood up to by school authorities. So regardless of what you have planned for your little get away - it is vital that you take care of your child's emotional and social needs first. Then, later on, they will be better equipped to give you space to celebrate your way.

Be warned though, it takes between 24-72 hours to get all that sugar out of their system so they can re-become their usually pleasant self. Be Patient!
posted by Karen Dougherty, 1:36 AM | link | 0 comments |

4 WAYS TO TEACH YOUR BABY TO CRY BETTER

Monday, February 05, 2007

This information is from Dr. Will Sears - a pediatrician and author of many books about raising children.

Here are some time-tested listening tips that can help you decode the meaning of your baby's cries, responds, nurtures, and gradually create a communication relationship so that baby doesn't always have to cry to communicate:

1. View your baby's cries as a communication rather than a manipulation tool. Think of your baby's cries as a signal to be listened to and interpreted rather than click into a fear of spoiling or fear of being controlled mindset.

2. Better early than late. New parents may be led to believe that the more they delay their response to baby's cries, the less baby will cry. While this may be true of some easy, mellow babies (they become apathetic), infants with persistent personalities will only cry harder and in a more disturbing way. Learn to read your baby's pre-cry signals: anxious facial expressions, arms flailing, excited breathing, etc. Responding to these pick-me-up signals teaches baby that he doesn't have to cry to get attended to. Again, forget the fear of spoiling. Studies have shown that babies whose cries are promptly attended to actually learn to cry less as older infants and toddlers.

3. Respond appropriately. You don't have to pick up a seven-month-old baby as quickly as a seven-day-old baby. In the early weeks of cue-response rehearsals, respond intuitively and quickly to each cry. As you and your baby become better communicators, you – and only you – will know whether a cry is a "red alert come now" cry or one that merits a more delayed response.

Learn that magic cry-response word appropriately, which implies balance – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." In fact, you will naturally start off as a "yes mom," then intuitively become appropriately a "yes and no" mom. When in doubt, say "yes." It's much easier to fix over-responding – you just back off a bit. It's more difficult to repair the distrust that stems from under-responding and becoming disconnected.

4. Try the Caribbean approach. A system we have developed to model calmness to a baby is one we dubbed the Caribbean attitude: "No problem, mon!" Imagine your seven-month-old baby playing at your feet and you're on the phone. Baby starts to fuss and give pick-me-up gestures. Instead of dropping the phone and anxiously scooping up fussing baby, put on your happy face, caringly acknowledge baby and make voice contact, "It's okay, Molly…" In this way, your body language is reflecting, "No problem, baby; no need to fuss." Another favorite phrase in the Caribbean is "don't worry, be happy." By your body language, convey to your baby – be happy, not fussy.
posted by Karen Dougherty, 3:17 AM | link | 0 comments |