Parenting - The Owners Manual

"Our 6 year old used to be a perfect angel, but lately she has been telling lies. She even lies about things that wouldn't get her into trouble. What has gone wrong and how can we stop her from lying?"

It is common for parents to become worried when their child begins telling tales. And more often than not parents have no idea why their once honest child is now telling lies.

Most children tell lies from time to time, especially after entering grade school. Lying is a learned form of communication. Children are inherently honest so it is only after noticing someone else telling tales that they begin to understand that lying is another way to communicate.

Children often learn to lie from other children. It doesn't take long before they realize that lying is a way to avoid responsibility for unacceptable behavior. Children who develop a habit of lying have generally learned dishonesty from their parents.

When children begin to comprehend language they listen to everything their parents say as they attempt to understand the complexities of communication. If they hear their parents saying things that are not truthful they learn that lying is moral and acceptable.

My own mother would vehemently deny teaching me how to lie, however I have many memories of her doing just that. For instance, when I was about 7 years old I heard her tell a friend that she was two years younger than she actually was. I interrupted, letting her and her friend know the truth. My embarrassed mother told her friend that I didn't know what I was talking about. The fact was, I did, and in that interaction I learned that lying was OK.

Another time while going to a drive-in-movie, my mother told me to get under my blanket and suck my thumb so that I looked like a three year old. She didn't want to pay for my entry into the movie. I was probably about 5 but I remember already understanding that tricking the ticket-taker was an acceptable and "fun" game.

When I talk with parents about their child's problem it doesn't take long before they begin to see that the greater problem is theirs. Seeing the truth, that they are responsible for their child's disregard for the truth, is a hard pill to swallow, but acknowledging your own dishonesty is necessary if you are to succeed at changing your child's behavior.

The next step is to talk honestly with your child about your own dishonest habits. Confession is cleansing and it allows the child to see that it is possible and preferable to stop lying. Change can become a family goal. The child will feel the support of the family as they make changes in their communication style.

Next it is imperative that the parent actively look for positive communications from the child. Sometimes a parent has developed a habit of seeing only bad behavior in a particular child, making it difficult to see the good behaviors. But if permanent change is to take place the child needs to experience praise and acknowledgment for appropriate behaviors. Just as they had to learn the inappropriate behavior, they now have to be shown what constitutes acceptable behavior.

Last but not least, it is important not only to address the child's lie, but to address what they are lying about. If the lie is about feeding the dog their green beans, it is important to address the underlying reason for not wanting to eat the green beans. Perhaps they were cold and yucky or maybe the child feared being punished. Help the child ease their initial distress, then help them feel safe enough to tell the truth next time.

Children come into this world like a blank slate waiting to be written on. They grow and develop by mirroring what they hear and see from those around them. If they are raised in day care, the day care workers will have an enormous effect on the child's development. If the child is surrounded by extended family the communication styles and behaviors they witness will be incorporated into their own way of being in the world. Most of all, be aware of your own behaviors and how you are influencing your child.

Labels: children, communication, lying, parenting