"Most Adults believe that all honest praise is helpful to children. Parents and teachers endorse praise without reservations. Praise is supposed to build confidence, increase security, and stimulate initiative, motivate learning, generate good will, and improve human relations.

If praise can accomplish all that, why do we still have so many insecure children, under stimulated students, unmotivated underachievers, unchallenged dropouts, and deliberate delinquents. Apparently, not all is well with praise. Too often it has not kept its promise". (Haim G. Ginott, Between Parent and Teenager.

Flattery is generally insincere. It is more of a judgment of a person's character than a statement of appreciation. Praise that judges a person's worth or personality can be destructive. For instance saying, "Your such a good girl for cleaning your room," is a judgment of the child's worth and can cause the child to feel worthless, because she learns that she is only appreciated for what she does, instead of for who she is. If flattery or character assessment is frequent, she becomes a human-doing instead of a human-being.

Unless the child is doing exactly what the parent wants her to do, she is put into a position where the she is forced to choose between being the parent's automaton or creating her own identity.

A more productive way of praising the child may be to express your own feelings or experience i.e., "Your room looks so pretty, I really like what you've done with it."

Praise that evaluates personality or character is unpleasant for the recipient and can cause them to feel anxious or defensive, (because they feel they are being judged). Praise that describes efforts, accomplishments, and feelings is helpful and safe.

EXAMPLE: After Eric, a 16 year old boy, mowed the lawn and cleaned up the yard as best he could, his father commented,

• "The yard looks like a garden."
• Eric: "Does it?"
• Father: "It's a pleasure to look at it."
• Eric: "It's nice."
• Father: "What a job. In one day you cleaned it all up! Thank you."
• Eric: "Anytime, dad."

Father did not praise Eric's personality. He only described the yard and his feelings of pleasure. Eric concluded: "I've done a good job. Father is pleased." He felt good enough to offer his services as a gardener.

Praise and self-image

Descriptive recognition as opposed to evaluative praise, is likely to lead to realistic self-image. Praise has two parts: 1. Our words and 2. the teenager's conclusions. Our praise should reflect what we appreciate about their work, efforts, achievement consideration or creation.

Helpful praise: "Thank you for washing the car. It looks like new again."

Unhelpful praise: "You are always so considerate."

Helpful praise: "I like the bookcase you made."

Unhelpful praise: "You are such a good carpenter."

Our descriptive praise and the child's positive inferences are building blocks of balanced mental health. From our messages the child concludes, "I am liked, I am appreciated. I am respected. I am capable." These conclusions she may restate silently to herself again and again. Such silent statements, repeated inwardly, largely determine a child's picture of themselves and of the world around them. They gain confidence in themselves once they internalize the positive praise that others have offered them in a healthy way.

On the other hand always being Mary Poppins - offering loads of praise for inadequate attempts can also create stumbling blocks in your child's development of self worth. This will be looked into in my next Monday blog. Send me comments and questions if you want specific topics covered

Labels: communication, flattery, kids, praise, self esteem, self worth, teens

Communication can be a tricky thing, especially when one person in the exchange hasn't developed many skills yet. So a parent needs to remember to keep statements clear and short so that the child can easily understand what is being communicated.

The following are a list of don'ts when communicating with children (or anyone for that matter). By refraining from falling into these traps you and your child will avoid the frustration and misunderstandings that so often plague adult child communications.

1. Always listen for the feelings behind the words; then address them and validate them. Children don't generally want their parents to run in with all kinds of "fixes for their complaints, but the do want and need to be listened to. Validating their feelings doesn't mean you have to agree with them, it just shows that you understand them.
   
2. Allow your positive feelings (love for the child) to take priority over anger. Remember, anger is just a cover for your own fear and pain. If you acknowledge your own underlying feelings (fear and/or pain) you will not feel the anger so intensely and will be able to problem solve instead of creating chaos. Acting out of anger will alienate you from your child as they will not longer trust you as their confidant.
   
3. Listen, Listen, Listen! Stop flying into emotional responses. It isn't about you! Stop formulating your response before the child has finished speaking.
4. Become aware of your feelings, and express them in "I" messages (I feel ___, when___, because___). Avoid using the word "you" as the word "you" turns an I message into a blaming "You" message and that will not solve the problem at hand.
   
5. Don't participate in an emotional escalation - walk away or take a time out to collect yourself before continuing the conversation. Remember conflict takes two, and you are the adult and the one who is going to teach the child how to behave in difficult circumstances.
   
6. Never resort to name calling.("Are you a moron or something!?") Character assassination is never good for the child and is never acceptable from the parent.
   
7. Don't denigrate or size up their character.("Your so selfish!") No labeling or name calling ever resolved an argument in a happy peaceful manner. You need to focus on creating a win-win situation. A win win situation means that both people involved come away feeling better about themselves and the relationship with the other person.
   
8. Don't act superior. ("I told you so!" or "If you acted like me instead of like your father you would be better off.) How have you felt in the past when a "superior at work called you on the carpet and made you feel small and worthless? Well that is exactly what you are doing to your child in this situation. This type of behavior paved the road for rebellion and permanent relationship damage.
   
9. Don't act on assumptions - Try to get all the puzzle pieces before before making a judgment call. ("Don't try to fool me buster, I know exactly what you were doing.") Hear the fact first and listen to all sides of the story.
   
10. Don't talk more than you listen. ("I'm talking; you listen to ME!")
    

Emotionally children are much like adults, except that they cannot manipulate or hide their emotions like we can. They feel fear when their parents fight. They feel insecure when their schedule or their surrounding change. They feel worthless when they are ridiculed. They feel angry when wronged and they act out when they have intense feelings and they don't know how
(or aren't allowed) to express them. When we act out our feelings in healthy ways, we are teaching our children how to deal with their feelings. When we are out of control we are giving them permission to behave badly. Children learn how to deal with their feelings largely from their parents. If we yell, hit or throw a tantrum when we are angry or hurt, they will learn to deal with their feelings in the same way. When we hit them because they hit a sibling we are sending a confusing message that only exacerbates the child's frustration, and delays his/her ability to deal with their emotions in a nonviolent way. We are saying it is only OK to hit if you are bigger than they are. That leads to sibling abuse!

Parents who send their children to group day-care nurseries could be risking their child's mental health and wellbeing.

A group of childcare and child psychology experts expressed their concerns in a letter to the Daily Telegraph. They raise doubts over whether children under three-years-old should ever be looked after by anyone other than close family members, urging for an 'urgent national debate' to be held.

'Consistent, continuous care by a trusted figure is the key to providing a secure and nurturing environment for very young children. Its absence can lead to behavioral difficulties and may even fuel mental illness. The experts in the study agree that parents are putting their children in circumstances that 'may not be appropriate to their emotional needs'.

'In a society which encourages both parents to work outside the home while their children are under three, it is attachment-focused childcare arrangements that have a crucial role to play in facilitating healthy emotional development,' Sir Richard writes in a report attached to the letter.

It has long been understood that children in Day Care become ill with colds, flu and communicable disease 5 times more frequently than home based children; but recent studies indicate that the stress of being left on a daily basis may be a contributing factor. Children's immune systems have been shown to be stronger when they are consistently in a stress reduced environment. And Day Care is anything but stress free. Between the emotional neglect and the continual crying by other children, the stress levels can be soaring.

So what is a parent to do? If you must leave your child during the day on a regular basis,

• Find a close relative to watch the child.
• If that isn't possible, use a home based care provider who is licensed
  
• Visit without notice on a regular basis to make sure that all the children are being cared for in an appropriate manner.
• Check for appropriate licensing of all individuals that will be caring for your child

• Call the BBB to see if there have been any complaints against this provider
  
• Do a background check for all employees
• Do not leave the child there longer than needed - don't use the opportunity to run errands or go to the bar after work. Your child needs as much time with you as possible.
• Call your child during the day to say hi and let them know when you will be coming
  
• Find a way to work from home as often as possible

Saving Families:

Studies have shown that a mother who understands her child's cries and responds to them correctly, is highly unlikely to become abusive or neglectful to that child in the future.

All babies cry. And at about two weeks of age, it is common for babies to develop a fussy period in the evening that can last for as long as two hours.

If your baby becomes fussy, what will you do? Try some of the following techniques, or perhaps a combination of them, to soothe your baby. As you offer comfort, pay attention to what your baby is trying to tell you. Through trial and error, and with loving patience, you'll soon discover together which soothing methods work best. Here are some techniques to try:

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