When Your Child is Molested
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Being molested is by far one of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone. Regardless of how well the child/teen seems to be doing afterward, the psychological damage is always great, and rarely completely overcome.
Depending on the circumstances of the molestation the child/teen can develop an aversion for anything or any place that reminds them of the trauma they have suffered. For instance if they were molested by a church member they may have panic attacks at the thought of having to go to church. Or if it took place at school they may go into hysterical or emotional outbursts when expected to go back to class.
If the molestation took place in the home, i.e. in the child's bed for instance, the teen/child may develop an aversion to going to bed, experience traumatic nightmares or develop sleep disorders such as insomnia or chronic fatigue.
In the case of a bedroom molestation it is helpful to allow the child to change rooms and to get a new mattress rather than to subject them to re-traumatization day after day. But in situations where the molestation took place outside of the home - in a place where the child needs to continue to be present - it is important that the parent understand that giving in to their cries and hysterics is actually hurtful and can lead to permanent phobias and other mental illness.
Every time a child is allowed to avoid a situation which brings up memories of the trauma the brain reinforces their fear, eventually creating a synaptic pathway in the brain that prevents them from getting past their emotional blockage. They become emotionally crippled, forever terrified of religion, education, people, etc. They can develop paranoia, agoraphobia, panic disorders, depression and other mental disorders.
The parent of a victimized child can help heal their child/teen by helping them differentiate between the bad experience and the events that surrounded it. Don't allow your pity for the child to over-shadow your responsibility as the parent to help ease them back into society and the normalcy they so desperately need. After a traumatic experience it is unwise to allow the victim to make decisions about their life, especially if it includes withdrawing from life to any degree. The adult, the parent needs to be the one who makes the decisions. They need to see that the child get back into the swing of things as soon as possible.
Of course, a traumatized child needs to have a safe place where they can go to spew the poisonous venom that has been force upon them. They need a professional, someone who is trained in treating traumatized kids, to help them work through their frazzled emotions and debilitating fears. Again, don't ask them if they would like to go into counseling, tell them that this is the plan, and make it as easy for them as you can.
Children should never be put in a place of having to make adult decisions, and a traumatized child is far to overwhelmed to be made responsible for deciding what is best for them. Nurture them rather than coddle them.
Labels: abuse, child abuse, molestation, trauma
Discipline Without Violence
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I remember back in the 70's and 80's it was not uncommon to see parents yelling at or abusing their children in public. I thought about this the other day when it occurred to me that it had been years since I had confronted one of those parents. So I'm thinking that either parents today are more savvy about child rearing or they have learned to keep it indoors. Overall, I'd like to believe the former.
Most parents have their child's best interest at heart. Of course there will always be those who have unresolved anger stemming from their own violent childhood and their lack of discipline as an adult. Overall I think parents today are more enlightened than they were in the 70's.
Although parents seem to be better educated these days about the negative consequences that accompany negative reinforcement, there still are those who hold onto their belief that hitting, spanking a child, is the best way to get their attention or to make a point. Their misguided belief is often connected to their own childhood and the fact that they were hit by their parents. Children live what they learn and if they learn that spanking is an acceptable form of violence and it is the best way to discipline they they will continue to believe that as an adult.
I don't buy the argument that "I was hit and I turned out OK." In fact you didn't turn out OK. You were never taught how to parent without violence and that is not OK. If your parents had disciplined you effectively without violence you would in fact find it perplexing that anyone could hold onto such a misinformed belief that spanking was the right way to teach a child.
Discipline that teaches the child how to reason and make correct choices in life involves patience, self-discipline and time. It requires the parent to actively participate in the learning process with the child and it requires that a parent be willing to set aside their selfish desires and attend to the problem at hand.
Parenting without violence produces children, and later adults, who do not have a propensity for violence themselves. They tend to grow into people who understand the difference between right and wrong - not because someone beat them into submission but because they were given the skills early on that enables them to take on life's drama with courage and self confidence.
If you have difficulty figuring out how to parent without violence, get yourself to a library and start reading up on healthy alternatives to disciplining your children. You will be glad you did.
Most parents have their child's best interest at heart. Of course there will always be those who have unresolved anger stemming from their own violent childhood and their lack of discipline as an adult. Overall I think parents today are more enlightened than they were in the 70's.
Although parents seem to be better educated these days about the negative consequences that accompany negative reinforcement, there still are those who hold onto their belief that hitting, spanking a child, is the best way to get their attention or to make a point. Their misguided belief is often connected to their own childhood and the fact that they were hit by their parents. Children live what they learn and if they learn that spanking is an acceptable form of violence and it is the best way to discipline they they will continue to believe that as an adult.
I don't buy the argument that "I was hit and I turned out OK." In fact you didn't turn out OK. You were never taught how to parent without violence and that is not OK. If your parents had disciplined you effectively without violence you would in fact find it perplexing that anyone could hold onto such a misinformed belief that spanking was the right way to teach a child.
Discipline that teaches the child how to reason and make correct choices in life involves patience, self-discipline and time. It requires the parent to actively participate in the learning process with the child and it requires that a parent be willing to set aside their selfish desires and attend to the problem at hand.
Parenting without violence produces children, and later adults, who do not have a propensity for violence themselves. They tend to grow into people who understand the difference between right and wrong - not because someone beat them into submission but because they were given the skills early on that enables them to take on life's drama with courage and self confidence.
If you have difficulty figuring out how to parent without violence, get yourself to a library and start reading up on healthy alternatives to disciplining your children. You will be glad you did.
Labels: abuse, discipline, parenting, spanking, violence