Parenting - The Owners Manual

Consequences are often a difficult part of parenting. What kinds of consequences are best, immediate ones, harsh ones or maybe non at all? I’ve heard a lot of parents say that they just aren’t good at thinking of an appropriate consequence at the spur of the moment – so they resort to what they know regardless of how effective it may or may not be. Parent’s who haven’t put much thought into appropriate (teaching) consequences, may resort to ineffective means like hitting or yelling. In the end, bot the the parent and the child suffers and neither has learned anything positive.

There are basically two types of consequences, Natural and Logical. Both can be equally effective, but the parent has to decide which is the best for each situation.

Natural consequences are those that happen on their own as a result of a person's actions (or non-actions). For instance if a child insists on wearing shoes that are too tight, the natural consequence might be blisters. It is often better to avoid a power struggle by letting the child experience the natural consequences and learn a life lesson. After all, isn't that what parenting is all about? Helping our children learn how to get by in the world in the best possible way?

Of course you have to determine ahead of time weather or not the natural consequences are going to be safe. Blisters won't cause permanent damage, but might help the child learn a permanent lesson (if mom says something will hurt me, I'd better believe her).

The problem parent's sometimes have is attempting to keep the child from ever experiencing any unpleasant situation, i.e. blisters. The parent enters into an argument (power struggle) with the child, which has negative effects regardless of who wins. If the parent is successful at forcing the child to wear other shoes the relationship is strained, the child begins to feel either rebellious or powerless in life, and s/he doesn't learn to make decisions. S/he only learns how to be pushed into doing what other's want him/her to do. Later the parents may very well find themselves in a situation where they have no control over a rebellious teen, or they wonder why their teen is such a follower, hanging with peers that seem to manipulate him/her into doing things they thought their child would never do.

• controlling parent teaches a child to be easily controlled.

If the child wins the argument then the parent has shown the child who has the power in the relationship. The child learns that the parent is wishy-washy, and doesn't really mean what they say. Respect is lost and very difficult to regain. Later, the parent of a teen may wonder why their teen is disrespectful, never listens and maybe even hateful.

• respect is learned and earned.

Logical Consequences

The key word here is logical. Logical consequences should be used when the natural consequences for misbehavior do not provide sufficient undesirable reaction to teach the desired lesson, or when the natural consequences are too severe (as in getting hit by a car for crossing a busy street). A logical consequence for a child who has run into the street may be no longer being allowed to cross the street unless accompanied by someone older (parent or sibling). If the child still disobeys and runs into the street again, a further consequence might be that they cannot play in the front yard for the rest of the afternoon (or where ever the street is).

Logical consequences are those designed and implemented by a parent, or by another person or entity. The word Logical is what defines the consequence as discipline rather than punishment. The consequence isn't flung at the child nor is it an aggressive action of a frustrated parent to control the actions of the child.

Grounding a child for sassing is not logical. The consequence of grounding has nothing to do with the misbehavior, sassing, and therefore cannot be requisite to a learning experience for the child. The idea in setting consequences is to offer the child an opportunity to learn from their mistakes so that they will choose to behave differently next time.

The consequences need to have an understandable relationship to the crime in order for the child to learn a life lesson.

Otherwise the child is likely to learn only fear of the parent, ("I know my dad will kill me for this.") ways to manipulate the parent (come up with creative ways to get around the punishment or to outsmart the parent.) and not to be honest with the parent (make sure the deeds are done in secret with the intent of never letting the parent know what is going on - for fear of being irrationally punished).

• parents need to think in terms of discipline (teaching) rather than punishing (venting anger).

So, sit down today and think of the typical misbehavior you might expect from your child. Listing them on paper may help. Then think of what the natural or logical consequence might be for that action. Then, the next time your child acts out, you will be more prepared to deal with the situation without loosing your cool or creating an even bigger disaster.

Love your child by expecting and reinforcing good behavior; teach them how to behave by utilizing discipline that teaches them positive life lessons.