Parenting - The Owners Manual

Communication can be a tricky thing, especially when one person in the exchange hasn't developed many skills yet. So a parent needs to remember to keep statements clear and short so that the child can easily understand what is being communicated.

The following are a list of don'ts when communicating with children (or anyone for that matter). By refraining from falling into these traps you and your child will avoid the frustration and misunderstandings that so often plague adult child communications.

1. Always listen for the feelings behind the words; then address them and validate them. Children don't generally want their parents to run in with all kinds of "fixes for their complaints, but the do want and need to be listened to. Validating their feelings doesn't mean you have to agree with them, it just shows that you understand them.
   
2. Allow your positive feelings (love for the child) to take priority over anger. Remember, anger is just a cover for your own fear and pain. If you acknowledge your own underlying feelings (fear and/or pain) you will not feel the anger so intensely and will be able to problem solve instead of creating chaos. Acting out of anger will alienate you from your child as they will not longer trust you as their confidant.
   
3. Listen, Listen, Listen! Stop flying into emotional responses. It isn't about you! Stop formulating your response before the child has finished speaking.
4. Become aware of your feelings, and express them in "I" messages (I feel ___, when___, because___). Avoid using the word "you" as the word "you" turns an I message into a blaming "You" message and that will not solve the problem at hand.
   
5. Don't participate in an emotional escalation - walk away or take a time out to collect yourself before continuing the conversation. Remember conflict takes two, and you are the adult and the one who is going to teach the child how to behave in difficult circumstances.
   
6. Never resort to name calling.("Are you a moron or something!?") Character assassination is never good for the child and is never acceptable from the parent.
   
7. Don't denigrate or size up their character.("Your so selfish!") No labeling or name calling ever resolved an argument in a happy peaceful manner. You need to focus on creating a win-win situation. A win win situation means that both people involved come away feeling better about themselves and the relationship with the other person.
   
8. Don't act superior. ("I told you so!" or "If you acted like me instead of like your father you would be better off.) How have you felt in the past when a "superior at work called you on the carpet and made you feel small and worthless? Well that is exactly what you are doing to your child in this situation. This type of behavior paved the road for rebellion and permanent relationship damage.
   
9. Don't act on assumptions - Try to get all the puzzle pieces before before making a judgment call. ("Don't try to fool me buster, I know exactly what you were doing.") Hear the fact first and listen to all sides of the story.
   
10. Don't talk more than you listen. ("I'm talking; you listen to ME!")
    

Emotionally children are much like adults, except that they cannot manipulate or hide their emotions like we can. They feel fear when their parents fight. They feel insecure when their schedule or their surrounding change. They feel worthless when they are ridiculed. They feel angry when wronged and they act out when they have intense feelings and they don't know how
(or aren't allowed) to express them. When we act out our feelings in healthy ways, we are teaching our children how to deal with their feelings. When we are out of control we are giving them permission to behave badly. Children learn how to deal with their feelings largely from their parents. If we yell, hit or throw a tantrum when we are angry or hurt, they will learn to deal with their feelings in the same way. When we hit them because they hit a sibling we are sending a confusing message that only exacerbates the child's frustration, and delays his/her ability to deal with their emotions in a nonviolent way. We are saying it is only OK to hit if you are bigger than they are. That leads to sibling abuse!