Understanding Your Child's Needs
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Too young for discipline…
When babies cry or have a fussy day it may be hard for their parents to understand why they are having such a bad day. Babies can't articulate their feelings or needs and sometimes parents begin to believe that their helpless little child is manipulating them with their cries.
The truth is that a child's cognitive, or mental, ability changes almost daily as they grow and develop. In order for a child to willfully manipulate a parent they have to have developed the ability to understand "if-then" thinking. That is, they need to be able to formulate thoughts like, "If I cry, then someone will pay attention to me." If-then thinking is a form of abstract thinking that is developed much later in childhood; infants aren't capable of this type of thinking. Children, especially infants think concretely. Their brain can only process the here and now. They cannot think about future events, and for them the future is only a moment away. That is why a baby’s emotions can shift so dramatically from one minute to the next, because they are feeling and experiencing only the moment. The ability to think abstractly develops very slowly in children and until early adolescence a child's ability to use if-then thinking is extremely limited.
An infant's primary need is to be soothed and nurtured. They cry when they are uncomfortable or in pain. If their needs are recognized by a nurturing parent the infant will learn that the world is a safe place, that she is secure and will be cared for. She will come to trust that the parent is her protector and caretaker and will be there to help her when she feels fear, discomfort, or hunger. Her little under-developed brain is not yet mature enough to create plots against her parents by utilizing manipulative, and cunning skills. Consequently, discipline for an infant is futile. They are not capable of misbehaving or willfully defying a parent. And they are not yet able to differentiate between acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors.
So why do Babies Cry so Often?
Babies exercise all day long to the point of needing frequent naps after a session of standing, finding and controlling their limbs and lifting up to look around. If she has a particularly active day physically, it is reasonable to expect that the following day she may feel discomfort and even pain - just like we do when we go to the gym and work out or spend a day skiing or doing yard work. So she fusses and has difficulty getting comfortable, and eventually she cries. If babies have allergies to milk or other foods they may get headaches, tummy aches, or feel itchy. But they cannot articulate their discomfort by any other means than to cry and fuss. They may feel overly tired, but unable to get comfortable enough to sleep – so they cry. Even adults get cranky when they are tired and uncomfortable. It isn’t any different with a baby.
The infant believes that she and mommy are still physically one-in-the-same person, and so anytime she needs mommy's help she expects that mommy will automatically "feel her pain" and will tend to her. If mommy doesn't tend to her needs on a regular basis the baby will begin to feel hopeless when experiencing mental or physical discomfort. If neglect is ongoing she may develop a life long mindset of worthlessness, of believing that she isn't important enough to be cared about, thus setting the stage for mental illness later in life. Neglected babies can grow up without developing empathy for others; because no one was there for them they don't learn to be there for others. They begin to believe that the world is not a safe place, that it is every survivor for themselves.
Children begin to develop the ability to understand "if-then" thinking around 24-48 months of age. But even then their ability to think abstractly is rudimentary at best. They begin to understand that mommy is a separate entity and that they themselves are individuals. This single theme becomes their driving force for about a year as they test their theory of separateness over and over again - thus creating what is commonly referred to as The Terrible Two's. And that will be the topic of my next blog.