Parenting - The Owners Manual

"Most Adults believe that all honest praise is helpful to children. Parents and teachers endorse praise without reservations. Praise is supposed to build confidence, increase security, and stimulate initiative, motivate learning, generate good will, and improve human relations.

If praise can accomplish all that, why do we still have so many insecure children, under stimulated students, unmotivated underachievers, unchallenged dropouts, and deliberate delinquents. Apparently, not all is well with praise. Too often it has not kept its promise". (Haim G. Ginott, Between Parent and Teenager.

Flattery is generally insincere. It is more of a judgment of a person's character than a statement of appreciation. Praise that judges a person's worth or personality can be destructive. For instance saying, "Your such a good girl for cleaning your room," is a judgment of the child's worth and can cause the child to feel worthless, because she learns that she is only appreciated for what she does, instead of for who she is. If flattery or character assessment is frequent, she becomes a human-doing instead of a human-being.

Unless the child is doing exactly what the parent wants her to do, she is put into a position where the she is forced to choose between being the parent's automaton or creating her own identity.

A more productive way of praising the child may be to express your own feelings or experience i.e., "Your room looks so pretty, I really like what you've done with it."

Praise that evaluates personality or character is unpleasant for the recipient and can cause them to feel anxious or defensive, (because they feel they are being judged). Praise that describes efforts, accomplishments, and feelings is helpful and safe.

EXAMPLE: After Eric, a 16 year old boy, mowed the lawn and cleaned up the yard as best he could, his father commented,

• "The yard looks like a garden."
• Eric: "Does it?"
• Father: "It's a pleasure to look at it."
• Eric: "It's nice."
• Father: "What a job. In one day you cleaned it all up! Thank you."
• Eric: "Anytime, dad."

Father did not praise Eric's personality. He only described the yard and his feelings of pleasure. Eric concluded: "I've done a good job. Father is pleased." He felt good enough to offer his services as a gardener.

Praise and self-image

Descriptive recognition as opposed to evaluative praise, is likely to lead to realistic self-image. Praise has two parts: 1. Our words and 2. the teenager's conclusions. Our praise should reflect what we appreciate about their work, efforts, achievement consideration or creation.

Helpful praise: "Thank you for washing the car. It looks like new again."

Unhelpful praise: "You are always so considerate."

Helpful praise: "I like the bookcase you made."

Unhelpful praise: "You are such a good carpenter."

Our descriptive praise and the child's positive inferences are building blocks of balanced mental health. From our messages the child concludes, "I am liked, I am appreciated. I am respected. I am capable." These conclusions she may restate silently to herself again and again. Such silent statements, repeated inwardly, largely determine a child's picture of themselves and of the world around them. They gain confidence in themselves once they internalize the positive praise that others have offered them in a healthy way.

On the other hand always being Mary Poppins - offering loads of praise for inadequate attempts can also create stumbling blocks in your child's development of self worth. This will be looked into in my next Monday blog. Send me comments and questions if you want specific topics covered

Labels: communication, flattery, kids, praise, self esteem, self worth, teens