Parenting - The Owners Manual

Children begin to develop the ability to understand "if-then" thinking around 24-48 months of age. But even then their ability to think abstractly is rudimentary at best. They begin to understand that mommy is a separate entity and that they themselves are individuals. This single theme becomes their driving force for about a year as they test their theory of separateness over and over again - thus creating what is commonly referred to as The Terrible Two's.

If the parent is intolerant of the child's new found autonomy and prevents the child from discovering and growing through his/her own sense of self the child will not develop into a confident, individuated adult. Their adult life will be ruled by others making decisions for them, they may flit from stage to stage trying to “find” themselves; attempting to do the work and the mental growth that should have been allowed when they were two. If they go to college they are likely to shift from one major to another; or they may choose the major that their parent tells them to choose. Once that opportunity to develop independence and the ability to trust your own choices has passed (around age 6) it is extremely difficult if not impossible to develop it later in life; especially if you continue to be in the company of the people who kept you from individuating in the first place.

Throughout history there have been stories of mothers creating neurotic, symbiotic relationships with their children. Although they are generally not aware of how their actions are creating a major deficit in their child’s life, they unwittingly mold their child into someone who bends to the parents wishes instead of deciding for themselves. Guilt is a major player in this type of unhealthy relationship. The mother appears as if she will fall to pieces if the child leaves home. Or she may continue to do everything for the adult child, to the degree that the adult child sees no reason to become responsible for him/herself.

So how can a parent make sure this developmental phase is nurtured appropriately so that the child is free to thrive without causing the parent to loose their mind in the process?

Because the “terrible 2’s often begin around 18 months of age, or as soon as the child learns to use the word “no” the parent is often caught off guard by their sweet infant - turned radical. Suddenly the baby that you have made all the decisions for is suddenly disagreeing with you and demanding to be heard and respected. How is it possible for this incredible change to happen overnight?

Actually it has been developing all along, it’s just that now the child has discovered a way to communicate their feelings, needs and desires with one simple word – NO! Because it is so different than what the parents has been experiencing with their child, they often have a negative, knee-jerk reaction and immediately attempt to assert their power over the child. On some level instinct takes over and the parent tries to re-establish the hierarchy and let the child know who’s “boss.” Although the parental hierarchy is an important dynamic in the healthy family, this may not be the best time to demonstrate it to the child. And here is why...

The newly speaking child is beginning to develop many social and personal lessons and skills, one of which is individuality. S/he hasn’t yet figured out what they think, feel or want, most of the time, and so they are using the word “no” to test themselves, to figure themselves out. How often have you met a young adult that says, “I need to find myself.” Just as the young adult has to try out many different life events in order to find the right fit, the 2 year old needs to do the same thing, but on a simpler plane. The parent may ask, “Do you want to take a nap?” and the tired crying child responds “No!“ Then, just for fun, the parent asks, “Do you want a cookie?” and the child explodes, “NO!” “Do you want to go to grandma’s house?” and the child screams, “NO, NO, NO!” Of course the child is still responding to the original question regarding taking a nap, but at this stage, they are trying to assertively communicate their feelings. They want to be heard, they want their opinion to be respected.

Respecting another person’s opinion however, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with it. SO when your child begins to assert themselves, the parent needn’t agree or disagree. You needn’t feel threatened or become angry at the child. Instead, validate the child by letting them know that you heard them. You might say, “I hear you saying No. I know you don’t like to take naps.”

Of course the best way to prevent this particular scenario is to refrain from asking the child’s opinion about napping in the first place. It’s the parent’s responsibility to make those decisions for the child and asking the child’s opinion first puts the responsibility of making that decision onto the child and that is never good for the child or for the outcome of the conversation.

In general it is best to encourage your child to try new things, even when you don’t think they are capable. That is how they learn – through trial and error – not unlike you. If they want to pour their own milk, offer to help them but don’t prevent them. If the two-year-old says no, take their opinion into consideration, let them know that you heard them, and even let them know that you are happy they are learning to know what they want; but ultimately it is the parent that needs to make the decisions. And it is possible to do that in a way that creates a win-win situation – well, most of the time.

But what about potty training? That will be the topic of my next blog.