Parenting - The Owners Manual

Being molested is by far one of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone. Regardless of how well the child/teen seems to be doing afterward, the psychological damage is always great, and rarely completely overcome.

Depending on the circumstances of the molestation the child/teen can develop an aversion for anything or any place that reminds them of the trauma they have suffered. For instance if they were molested by a church member they may have panic attacks at the thought of having to go to church. Or if it took place at school they may go into hysterical or emotional outbursts when expected to go back to class.

If the molestation took place in the home, i.e. in the child's bed for instance, the teen/child may develop an aversion to going to bed, experience traumatic nightmares or develop sleep disorders such as insomnia or chronic fatigue.

In the case of a bedroom molestation it is helpful to allow the child to change rooms and to get a new mattress rather than to subject them to re-traumatization day after day. But in situations where the molestation took place outside of the home - in a place where the child needs to continue to be present - it is important that the parent understand that giving in to their cries and hysterics is actually hurtful and can lead to permanent phobias and other mental illness.

Every time a child is allowed to avoid a situation which brings up memories of the trauma the brain reinforces their fear, eventually creating a synaptic pathway in the brain that prevents them from getting past their emotional blockage. They become emotionally crippled, forever terrified of religion, education, people, etc. They can develop paranoia, agoraphobia, panic disorders, depression and other mental disorders.

The parent of a victimized child can help heal their child/teen by helping them differentiate between the bad experience and the events that surrounded it. Don't allow your pity for the child to over-shadow your responsibility as the parent to help ease them back into society and the normalcy they so desperately need. After a traumatic experience it is unwise to allow the victim to make decisions about their life, especially if it includes withdrawing from life to any degree. The adult, the parent needs to be the one who makes the decisions. They need to see that the child get back into the swing of things as soon as possible.

Of course, a traumatized child needs to have a safe place where they can go to spew the poisonous venom that has been force upon them. They need a professional, someone who is trained in treating traumatized kids, to help them work through their frazzled emotions and debilitating fears. Again, don't ask them if they would like to go into counseling, tell them that this is the plan, and make it as easy for them as you can.

Children should never be put in a place of having to make adult decisions, and a traumatized child is far to overwhelmed to be made responsible for deciding what is best for them. Nurture them rather than coddle them.

Labels: abuse, child abuse, molestation, trauma

Parenting can quickly become an issue about the differences between male and female behaviors. Like it or not, men and women are different creatures and they behave toward their children in differing ways. Most mothers have a strong sense of protection with their children. This is an instinctual response that in previous eras was necessary to keep children from being being eaten by predators, falling off cliffs or eating a poisonous mushroom.

In our 1st-world modern culture the threats to our children's lives are not a daily event, but generations of rational, protective instincts have been routed into overprotection and neurotic, fear-based, parenting styles. That isn't to say that we no longer need to protect our children from harm; it does mean that we need to overcome our basal instincts and modernize them to fit with the real risks in our current social structure.

For instance, instead of overreacting with fear and a knee-jerk reaction when your 2-year-old son wants to clime a small wall, give yourself a step back, take a deep breath and think rationally. He is learning far more than he is risking by learning to climb and balance on that wall. And if he falls, he is learning what his limits are and how he can keep from falling again the next time. Children need to explore. It is the fundamental way they stimulate certain areas of their brain to learn deductive reasoning. If these areas of the brain have had a wide variety of life-experience from which to learn from, the child-turned-adult will be far better prepared to take on real-life hurdles and to traverse them successfully. Learning deductive reasoning cannot happen in a vacuum. It requires external stimulation including:

1. curiosity that is allowed to play out in discovery
2. attempts to tackle hurdles that may appear challenging or even frightening
3. occasional failure from which a new strategy can be devised for the next attempt.
4. encouragement from someone who helps the child learn lessons in a positive way.

A parents' role is to supervise the child, encourage the child and offer different options to guide them toward success. A two year old will frequently ignore a parent's suggestions and that is a great learning and growth opportunity as well. The child eventually learns that his way may or may not work to his satisfaction and he may eventually discover that the parent had a good idea after all - building a two way trust in the relationship.

Dads often support their children's desire to climb, throw sticks and build rock dams in creeks. Mom's are often filled with anxiety about all the "what ifs" that run through her mind as she imagines something going wrong. Sometimes the family has a double standard that says it is OK for boys to play rough but not for girls. This forcing of gender based roles can have devastating effects of the psyche of the child such as becoming mentally, psychologically and spiritually stunted and/or confused.

Another mistake parents make is to attempt to make their boys behave like girls. This is particularly true in families who have had daughters first. When a rambunctious little boy with innate desires to rumble, fight and make huge messes comes into their life, the parents instinct is to make him behave like his sisters, or to chastise him for acting like a boy - loud, energetic and restless. They may even allow their perfect little man to be put on powerful drugs to make him act more like the sweet little girls at his school. Then, years later, the parents wonder why their child has identity issues and/or drug problems.

Getting a bump on the noggin is not the end of the world for your child. And parents who act as though a bump on the head somehow reflects back onto them as being a neglectful parent, are actually advertising their insecurity to the world. To them being a parent is all about them...not the child. They fear that someone will see the bruise and think the worst, when they should be thinking about their child's need to learn through exploration and experience life with all of its bumps and tumbles. Bruises heal, but being mentally stunted is a lifelong illness that can turn into an internal prison for your child.

Many serious and often incurable mental disorders such as Anxiety Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Agoraphobia and other Phobic Disorders are common in children who have been chronically overprotected by parents who ignorantly meant well or who selfishly pandered to their own anxieties by holding on to tight or controlling over zealously.

Keeping your child from jumping on his cousins trampoline because he might experience fright or a skinned knee (both of which will heal within a day or two), is a steep price to pay to rescue yourself from your own anxieties. Preventing your child from experiencing life, based on your own irrational fears is child abuse.

Next time your child wants to try the jungle-gym support his brave and curious nature. Stand next to him for moral support and let him climb. Tell him that if he falls you will be right there to help him get back up and try again. Make it a fun, anxiety free experience for both of you.

Labels: child abuse, children, discipline, Fathers, learning, overprotective, phobia, protect, toddlers