Parenting your Parent and the Feeling of Entitlement
Monday, April 30, 2007
Parenting isn't something that ends once the child enters school. The responsibilities of parenting continue on throughout your life. It isn't over when they go away to college or when they get married and have a family of their own. Parenting on one level or another is a thing that lasts for as long as you have a child - even if that child is a grandparent by now.
I have often said "You know you have done something right if your children are all grown up and they still like you." What I don't understand is how a family can let the most ridiculous things, like money, or status tear them apart.
Too often I have seen adult children turn on each other because of the way their parent's estate was divided after the death of a parent. What is it that makes adult children feel so entitled to their parent's money that each expects to get the lion's share of it when the parent dies? The truth is, that in most cases, our parent's, by the time they die, owe us nothing. We are entitled to nothing. More than likely we still owe them, for raising us the best they knew how, for being there when we needed them, for helping us buy our first home or for taking care of us after the birth of our first child.
My mother is in her 80's, and still if I get sick she worries and wants to know how she can help me feel better. Most of the time now, the shoe is on the other foot and I am looking after her to make sure her golden years are the best possible. I am the adult now, I am the grandma who is doing for my children the things that my mother used to do for me. It's just the cycle of life, and no where in the book of life is there anything about being entitled to your parents earthly possessions when they pass away.
Sitting back on ones laurels waiting for your parents to die seems to me a pitiful way to be in this world. It is time for us to wake up, grow up and stop making such a fuss about who gets what. Love your parents while they are still here. Listen to what wisdom they have to offer - even if you have heard that story a dozen times already. Be patient, loving and grateful for the one person in your life who has spent their entire life loving you.
I have often said "You know you have done something right if your children are all grown up and they still like you." What I don't understand is how a family can let the most ridiculous things, like money, or status tear them apart.
Too often I have seen adult children turn on each other because of the way their parent's estate was divided after the death of a parent. What is it that makes adult children feel so entitled to their parent's money that each expects to get the lion's share of it when the parent dies? The truth is, that in most cases, our parent's, by the time they die, owe us nothing. We are entitled to nothing. More than likely we still owe them, for raising us the best they knew how, for being there when we needed them, for helping us buy our first home or for taking care of us after the birth of our first child.
My mother is in her 80's, and still if I get sick she worries and wants to know how she can help me feel better. Most of the time now, the shoe is on the other foot and I am looking after her to make sure her golden years are the best possible. I am the adult now, I am the grandma who is doing for my children the things that my mother used to do for me. It's just the cycle of life, and no where in the book of life is there anything about being entitled to your parents earthly possessions when they pass away.
Sitting back on ones laurels waiting for your parents to die seems to me a pitiful way to be in this world. It is time for us to wake up, grow up and stop making such a fuss about who gets what. Love your parents while they are still here. Listen to what wisdom they have to offer - even if you have heard that story a dozen times already. Be patient, loving and grateful for the one person in your life who has spent their entire life loving you.
NO! Teaching Your Toddler to Communicate
Sunday, April 15, 2007
It seems to be an American milestone when your toddler learns to use the word no. Once your toddler learns that yelling the word "NO" gets a reaction out of you, your life with a defiant toddler will become a daily challenge.
The best thing to do is to limit your own use of the word no starting when your child is still non-verbal. Parent's often use "no" as an all-inclusive admission of panic. The intensified emotion is quickly picked up by the child and will soon be used as a powerful way to communicate nearly every emotion. There is a better way.
Helping your child learn how to use vocabulary to accurately express himself will not only make his communications clearer, but it is likely to increase his vocabulary as well as his I.Q.
When your child attempts to indulge in an unacceptable behavior use a situation-specific word to describe your discontent. For instance, when your child reaches for a glass vase, instead of yelling "NO" say "STOP! Break! Cut!" As you lift your toddler away from the danger use vocabulary he can understand to help him understand that the vase can fall, break and eventually even cause him harm.
When you use the word "no" as a command for everything the child does, the child learns only that it is OK to yell - or curse - whenever someone wants to exert power over someone else. No becomes a curse word instead of an intelligent and specific communication. Using a word like "stop" is more accurate and when your child begins to speak he will understand that "no" is a word used to express a negative sentiment and that "stop" is a command.
Learning to communicate is difficult enough, let's give our children a healthy start and perhaps they will grow up confidant in self expression.
The best thing to do is to limit your own use of the word no starting when your child is still non-verbal. Parent's often use "no" as an all-inclusive admission of panic. The intensified emotion is quickly picked up by the child and will soon be used as a powerful way to communicate nearly every emotion. There is a better way.
Helping your child learn how to use vocabulary to accurately express himself will not only make his communications clearer, but it is likely to increase his vocabulary as well as his I.Q.
When your child attempts to indulge in an unacceptable behavior use a situation-specific word to describe your discontent. For instance, when your child reaches for a glass vase, instead of yelling "NO" say "STOP! Break! Cut!" As you lift your toddler away from the danger use vocabulary he can understand to help him understand that the vase can fall, break and eventually even cause him harm.
When you use the word "no" as a command for everything the child does, the child learns only that it is OK to yell - or curse - whenever someone wants to exert power over someone else. No becomes a curse word instead of an intelligent and specific communication. Using a word like "stop" is more accurate and when your child begins to speak he will understand that "no" is a word used to express a negative sentiment and that "stop" is a command.
Learning to communicate is difficult enough, let's give our children a healthy start and perhaps they will grow up confidant in self expression.
Becoming a Parent - What Are You Thinking?!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Babies are cute - without a doubt. But that is no reason to become a parent.
Several years ago I was a therapist to 23 teen moms - all in one high school. Nearly all of these girls had romantic ideas about love, sex and parenting before becoming pregnant. But after having their babies their worlds changed forever - and not in the way they imagined.
Here are some of the misconceptions they had about having a baby:
1. "My boyfriend won't leave me if I have sex with him." Fact - not one of the 23 girls were still dating the boy who got them pregnant by the time their baby was 6 months old.
2. "I want a baby so I will feel loved." Truth - babies don't come into the world giving love, they need love, attention and every minute of your day and night. It is difficult enough to grow up in this world without being born with the job of taking care of the parent's feeling and emotional needs. To be a parent you have to be willing to take care of the baby's needs not the other way around.
3. "I'm old enough to know how to be a mom." Fact - Not one of the 23 girls said they would do it again now that they knew what was really involved in parenting a baby. In fact many of them were seriously depressed because their life had changed so dramatically.
4. "I will be a better mother than my own mom has been." Fact - Your mother was and is your role model, and regardless of how much you fantasize being different, unless you have a lot of training, and counseling beforehand, you will find yourself dealing with life in a very similar way.
5. "My child will never hate me or treat me badly." Fact - Statistics show that children born to a teenage, single parent are 5 times more likely to have troubled family relationships than those born to mature 2-parent homes.
Having a baby is not something to do for any reason other than because you have a stable family atmosphere in which that child will be the center of his/her parent's world.
Several years ago I was a therapist to 23 teen moms - all in one high school. Nearly all of these girls had romantic ideas about love, sex and parenting before becoming pregnant. But after having their babies their worlds changed forever - and not in the way they imagined.
Here are some of the misconceptions they had about having a baby:
1. "My boyfriend won't leave me if I have sex with him." Fact - not one of the 23 girls were still dating the boy who got them pregnant by the time their baby was 6 months old.
2. "I want a baby so I will feel loved." Truth - babies don't come into the world giving love, they need love, attention and every minute of your day and night. It is difficult enough to grow up in this world without being born with the job of taking care of the parent's feeling and emotional needs. To be a parent you have to be willing to take care of the baby's needs not the other way around.
3. "I'm old enough to know how to be a mom." Fact - Not one of the 23 girls said they would do it again now that they knew what was really involved in parenting a baby. In fact many of them were seriously depressed because their life had changed so dramatically.
4. "I will be a better mother than my own mom has been." Fact - Your mother was and is your role model, and regardless of how much you fantasize being different, unless you have a lot of training, and counseling beforehand, you will find yourself dealing with life in a very similar way.
5. "My child will never hate me or treat me badly." Fact - Statistics show that children born to a teenage, single parent are 5 times more likely to have troubled family relationships than those born to mature 2-parent homes.
Having a baby is not something to do for any reason other than because you have a stable family atmosphere in which that child will be the center of his/her parent's world.
Raising a Better Future Starts at Home
Monday, April 02, 2007
I'm spending this week with my grand baby, and of course, her parents. As usual, I just can't get enough of her. She is eternally happy - except when she is hungry or needs to take a nap, but even then, within seconds of getting her needs met, she is delighted with life again.
I have been known to say that "every baby, every toddler, ought to believe that they are the most important, the most wonderful, and the best loved person on the planet." Childhood can be a wonderful time of life; and with parents who's goal it is to bring as much happiness as they can to their precious child's life that child is bound to grow up believing they are well loved, that they are important at least to a few friends and family members; but mostly they develop a belief system about the world that includes good people, honest people and a world in which happiness is within their grasp.
Sometimes, well meaning people attempt to sabotage a child's dreams by making statements like "Honey you shouldn't put any thought into becoming an artist, you need to think about a practical profession." Toddlers and even teenagers can be easily discouraged, especially when someone they look up to doesn't support their dreams.
Even babies can begin their life's journey believing that they are not good enough to succeed at reaching their dreams if others have successfully turned their dreams into mere fantasy. Children are quick to conform, to develop into the people that others expect them to become - bad, good, or indifferent. They start believing that their own ideas are not rational or that they will never be capable of making their dreams come true. Rather, than making goals for their life that will bring them happiness, they settle for what comes easy. They eventually loose site of their childhood dreams and spend a very unsatisfying life wondering what went wrong.
Moral of the story:
Make it your goal to make every moment of your child's life a happy one. Let go of your less important "tasks" in favor or spending happy time with your child. The end result will be a self confidant, happy adult.
Parenting is about time - lots and lots of it - and how that time is spent can change the world.
Loving our children, enjoying every moment with them regardless of the occasional crankiness and the continual child-like behaviors, will help them grow to be empathetic, well grounded adults who know who they are and what they want to make out of their life.
The secret to raising happy, successful, well rounded adults is to create a family life that focuses on every happy and wonderful thing your life together brings to all of you. Even when life is tough there are people and things about your life that are wonderful, and it is those things that need to be focused on. Laugh when little irritants try to bring you down. Make a joke about the silly situation you were in yesterday. Be an example to your children about how to choose to live a happy and fulfilled life. They will follow your example and they will develop an attitude of gratitude, and they will find their own way to have piece and happiness in their own life.
I have been known to say that "every baby, every toddler, ought to believe that they are the most important, the most wonderful, and the best loved person on the planet." Childhood can be a wonderful time of life; and with parents who's goal it is to bring as much happiness as they can to their precious child's life that child is bound to grow up believing they are well loved, that they are important at least to a few friends and family members; but mostly they develop a belief system about the world that includes good people, honest people and a world in which happiness is within their grasp.
Sometimes, well meaning people attempt to sabotage a child's dreams by making statements like "Honey you shouldn't put any thought into becoming an artist, you need to think about a practical profession." Toddlers and even teenagers can be easily discouraged, especially when someone they look up to doesn't support their dreams.
Even babies can begin their life's journey believing that they are not good enough to succeed at reaching their dreams if others have successfully turned their dreams into mere fantasy. Children are quick to conform, to develop into the people that others expect them to become - bad, good, or indifferent. They start believing that their own ideas are not rational or that they will never be capable of making their dreams come true. Rather, than making goals for their life that will bring them happiness, they settle for what comes easy. They eventually loose site of their childhood dreams and spend a very unsatisfying life wondering what went wrong.
Moral of the story:
Make it your goal to make every moment of your child's life a happy one. Let go of your less important "tasks" in favor or spending happy time with your child. The end result will be a self confidant, happy adult.
Parenting is about time - lots and lots of it - and how that time is spent can change the world.
Loving our children, enjoying every moment with them regardless of the occasional crankiness and the continual child-like behaviors, will help them grow to be empathetic, well grounded adults who know who they are and what they want to make out of their life.
The secret to raising happy, successful, well rounded adults is to create a family life that focuses on every happy and wonderful thing your life together brings to all of you. Even when life is tough there are people and things about your life that are wonderful, and it is those things that need to be focused on. Laugh when little irritants try to bring you down. Make a joke about the silly situation you were in yesterday. Be an example to your children about how to choose to live a happy and fulfilled life. They will follow your example and they will develop an attitude of gratitude, and they will find their own way to have piece and happiness in their own life.