Childhood Depression & Self Inflicted Pain
Friday, December 21, 2007
When I was in graduate school one of my first clients was a woman who came in to talk about her depression. At her second session she confided that she was worried about her 3 year old son who was belligerent and often banged his head when he was frustrated. At the time I didn't really know what to make of it and I suggested that she take him to his pediatrician to be assessed for autism.
Because I was only a student therapist and she only had a few sessions with me, I never learned the outcome of her son's doctor visit.
If she were to come to see me now I would do things differently. I would have her bring her son in to be assessed for depression. We now know that depression can have strong familial and genetic ties. We also know that even very little children can suffer with depression. But because children are not verbally or emotionally sophisticated they show symptoms of depression in very different ways from adults. Both parents and pediatricians can miss the child's cries for help.
Children, even infants, have feelings of anger, frustration, stress and depression. But they don't know how to adequately communicate their feelings. Consequently their frustration and anxiety increases even further and they degenerate into an emotional heap; throwing a tantrum, screaming, hitting themselves in the head and throwing themselves onto the floor.
Parents become perplexed and worry that their child may be turning into a brat. Not so. Just as with adults, depression in children causes them to feel unheard, unloved and unworthy of love. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable is so great that they distract themselves from their emotional pain by focusing on creating physical pain.
If the child's depression and feelings of worthlessness go unchecked they may grow into teens and adults who begin cutting themselves, getting involved in masochistic sexual relationships or taking drugs, attempting to use physical pain as a distraction from their intense emotional pain.
If you have a child or infant who is frequently tantruming, banging their head, hitting themselves or otherwise causing themselves physical pain, take them to see a clinical psychologist who is well versed in childhood depression, to be assessed. Even if your family dynamics are such that they are contributing to the child's unhappy behavior, it is important to learn if there is a genetic component as well.
Don't be too quick to label your child belligerent or bratty. Punishing this behavior only validates the child's feelings of worthlessness and increases their anger and frustration. Depression isn't a choice. However you, the parent, can choose to help your suffering child.
Because I was only a student therapist and she only had a few sessions with me, I never learned the outcome of her son's doctor visit.
If she were to come to see me now I would do things differently. I would have her bring her son in to be assessed for depression. We now know that depression can have strong familial and genetic ties. We also know that even very little children can suffer with depression. But because children are not verbally or emotionally sophisticated they show symptoms of depression in very different ways from adults. Both parents and pediatricians can miss the child's cries for help.
Children, even infants, have feelings of anger, frustration, stress and depression. But they don't know how to adequately communicate their feelings. Consequently their frustration and anxiety increases even further and they degenerate into an emotional heap; throwing a tantrum, screaming, hitting themselves in the head and throwing themselves onto the floor.
Parents become perplexed and worry that their child may be turning into a brat. Not so. Just as with adults, depression in children causes them to feel unheard, unloved and unworthy of love. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable is so great that they distract themselves from their emotional pain by focusing on creating physical pain.
If the child's depression and feelings of worthlessness go unchecked they may grow into teens and adults who begin cutting themselves, getting involved in masochistic sexual relationships or taking drugs, attempting to use physical pain as a distraction from their intense emotional pain.
If you have a child or infant who is frequently tantruming, banging their head, hitting themselves or otherwise causing themselves physical pain, take them to see a clinical psychologist who is well versed in childhood depression, to be assessed. Even if your family dynamics are such that they are contributing to the child's unhappy behavior, it is important to learn if there is a genetic component as well.
Don't be too quick to label your child belligerent or bratty. Punishing this behavior only validates the child's feelings of worthlessness and increases their anger and frustration. Depression isn't a choice. However you, the parent, can choose to help your suffering child.
Labels: children, depression, hitting, self inflicted pain, tantrums
When Too Much is Not Enough
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
It's that time of year again, when children are excitedly waiting to open their gifts, and parents are eager to get a few days off of work.
I have to admit I have gone a little crazy buying gifts for my granddaughters - just as I used to with my own kids - it's a sickness. When I'm shopping, all I can think of is the smiles on their faces and the joy I feel believing that I somehow succeeded in making them happy. But what I loose sight of is all of the other ways that happiness can be brought into their lives.
Intellectually I understand that real, lasting happiness comes with memories of time spent together, enjoying each other's company and creating family traditions. I realize that my kids, now adults, have fewer memories of what they got for Christmas than they have of family outings and moments when they felt loved and appreciated. So I'm not sure why it is still so easy to get back on that gift buying band wagon.
Perhaps it is our culture of materialism and commercialization. Maybe I'm making sure that they never have to feel disappointed or have their expectations dashed. But truly, I know that it is really about me. I'm buying them gifts to make me feel momentarily happy. But the holiday season isn't supposed to be all about me.
It's too late for me this year. After all we have already rented a U-haul to pack all the gifts from here to my granddaughter's house. So perhaps I should make this my New Years Resolution - "I will honor myself and my family by being less selfish and paying more attention to the quality and quantity of time that we have together." I will put my priorities in order and remember that material gifts will eventually fade and break apart. But families can be together forever, as long as we make a constant effort to bind them together with love instead of with stuff.
I have to admit I have gone a little crazy buying gifts for my granddaughters - just as I used to with my own kids - it's a sickness. When I'm shopping, all I can think of is the smiles on their faces and the joy I feel believing that I somehow succeeded in making them happy. But what I loose sight of is all of the other ways that happiness can be brought into their lives.
Intellectually I understand that real, lasting happiness comes with memories of time spent together, enjoying each other's company and creating family traditions. I realize that my kids, now adults, have fewer memories of what they got for Christmas than they have of family outings and moments when they felt loved and appreciated. So I'm not sure why it is still so easy to get back on that gift buying band wagon.
Perhaps it is our culture of materialism and commercialization. Maybe I'm making sure that they never have to feel disappointed or have their expectations dashed. But truly, I know that it is really about me. I'm buying them gifts to make me feel momentarily happy. But the holiday season isn't supposed to be all about me.
It's too late for me this year. After all we have already rented a U-haul to pack all the gifts from here to my granddaughter's house. So perhaps I should make this my New Years Resolution - "I will honor myself and my family by being less selfish and paying more attention to the quality and quantity of time that we have together." I will put my priorities in order and remember that material gifts will eventually fade and break apart. But families can be together forever, as long as we make a constant effort to bind them together with love instead of with stuff.
Better Than Spanking - Light Hearted Parenting
Thursday, December 06, 2007
My son sent me this email and I thought it was blog-worthy:
~ Tough Love vs. Spanking ~
(a psychological conundrum)
It seems that these days most Americans understand that it is improper to spank children, so over the years I tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of "those moments."
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
This worked so well for my children that I now use the method on my grandchildren. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my grandson, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
A Friend
~ Tough Love vs. Spanking ~
(a psychological conundrum)
It seems that these days most Americans understand that it is improper to spank children, so over the years I tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of "those moments."
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
This worked so well for my children that I now use the method on my grandchildren. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my grandson, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
A Friend
Labels: discipline, humor, photo, spanking