Don't Be a Lazy Parent
Friday, November 30, 2007
A while back I was counseling a couple who were parenting their grandchildren. The grandmother was still young and had her youngest boy still living at home. Her problem was patience - or lack of it, and aggressiveness.
Because of her lack of patience she often used physical attacks as a way to control a situation. I discovered this when the three-year-old told me that grandma had hit her and thrown her onto the bed when she was angry.
When the grandmother came to pick up the child I informed her of what had been said and told her I had to contact Child Protective Services. Of course she was very upset. But over the next few weeks I attempted to help her learn how to parent without violence.
During one session the three year old climbed onto the piano bench and began to bang on the keys. The grandmother instantly yelled at her but the child kept playing. The grandfather stood up, calmly went over to the girl and picked her up. He brought the child back to his seat and held her on his lap until she was willing to play quietly on the floor.
The grandmother was furious. She looked at me and exclaimed "See, she doesn't listen to anything I tell her, how am I supposed to make her mind if I don't hit her to get her attention?"
"Well," I said, "your husband just took care of the situation in a calm and non-violent way."
The grandmother looked as if she would explode, "But he had to get up and go get her off the piano" she yelled.
"Exactly." I responded.
Parenting takes time as well as common sense and some education. Expecting the three-year-old to automatically obey just because she was told to do something is like expecting a dog to do tricks with no reward - it just isn't going to happen. Parenting requires the parent to interact with the child as they teach the child rules, values and expectations. And more often than not, that means doing more than just making demands.
Don't be a lazy parent. Being a successful parent requires your undivided attention, lot's of energy and your time. Anything less will result in frustration, both now and down the road.
Because of her lack of patience she often used physical attacks as a way to control a situation. I discovered this when the three-year-old told me that grandma had hit her and thrown her onto the bed when she was angry.
When the grandmother came to pick up the child I informed her of what had been said and told her I had to contact Child Protective Services. Of course she was very upset. But over the next few weeks I attempted to help her learn how to parent without violence.
During one session the three year old climbed onto the piano bench and began to bang on the keys. The grandmother instantly yelled at her but the child kept playing. The grandfather stood up, calmly went over to the girl and picked her up. He brought the child back to his seat and held her on his lap until she was willing to play quietly on the floor.
The grandmother was furious. She looked at me and exclaimed "See, she doesn't listen to anything I tell her, how am I supposed to make her mind if I don't hit her to get her attention?"
"Well," I said, "your husband just took care of the situation in a calm and non-violent way."
The grandmother looked as if she would explode, "But he had to get up and go get her off the piano" she yelled.
"Exactly." I responded.
Parenting takes time as well as common sense and some education. Expecting the three-year-old to automatically obey just because she was told to do something is like expecting a dog to do tricks with no reward - it just isn't going to happen. Parenting requires the parent to interact with the child as they teach the child rules, values and expectations. And more often than not, that means doing more than just making demands.
Don't be a lazy parent. Being a successful parent requires your undivided attention, lot's of energy and your time. Anything less will result in frustration, both now and down the road.
Labels: discipline, parenting, spanking, toddlers
To Spank or Not to Spank
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Spanking, that is the question. Whether it is nobler to use discipline as a teaching moment or to use punishment to let the child know just how angry his behavior has made us. OK, this isn't Shakespeare, and the consequences for hitting a child aren't nearly as difficult to understand.
Let me make this as simple as possible.
When a child is hit, spanked, whenever he does something that displeases the parent he learns several things, one of which is that he must be innately bad. Why else would the parent be so angry and hurtful? Only a bad person gets punished so harshly right?
After a while the child begins to define himself as bad, defective - or deserving of severe, painful treatment from others. When the child defines himself in this way he eventually begins to loose hope that he could ever be "good enough" to be treated differently, and so he takes on this role as his identity.
Once he internalizes the identity of "the bad child" he begins to believe that attempts to behave in an acceptable manner are futile, and he accepts the idea that he isn't capable of behaving in a socially acceptable way - so he stops trying. If he is inherently bad, so be it. If a lifetime of punishment is what is in store for him he accepts it. Attempts to discipline the child become meaningless as he defies the parent in spite of the threat of severe consequences. Harsh treatment is now a given in his life and he is no longer phased by it.
When a parent tells me that spanking a child is a good way to stop unacceptable behavior I cringe. It isn't acceptable, it is only convenient for the parent. Effective parenting is supposed to be all about the child - not about the parent.
Discipline is a way to use the moment to help the child learn right from wrong. And no one can learn effectively when under attack.
Let me make this as simple as possible.
When a child is hit, spanked, whenever he does something that displeases the parent he learns several things, one of which is that he must be innately bad. Why else would the parent be so angry and hurtful? Only a bad person gets punished so harshly right?
After a while the child begins to define himself as bad, defective - or deserving of severe, painful treatment from others. When the child defines himself in this way he eventually begins to loose hope that he could ever be "good enough" to be treated differently, and so he takes on this role as his identity.
Once he internalizes the identity of "the bad child" he begins to believe that attempts to behave in an acceptable manner are futile, and he accepts the idea that he isn't capable of behaving in a socially acceptable way - so he stops trying. If he is inherently bad, so be it. If a lifetime of punishment is what is in store for him he accepts it. Attempts to discipline the child become meaningless as he defies the parent in spite of the threat of severe consequences. Harsh treatment is now a given in his life and he is no longer phased by it.
When a parent tells me that spanking a child is a good way to stop unacceptable behavior I cringe. It isn't acceptable, it is only convenient for the parent. Effective parenting is supposed to be all about the child - not about the parent.
Discipline is a way to use the moment to help the child learn right from wrong. And no one can learn effectively when under attack.
Labels: discipline, punishment, spanking