Parenting - The Owners Manual

Profile of a Child Abuser:

1. Was probably abused as a child
2. Has poor impulse control
3. May become aroused while hitting child
4. May be self-righteous or "always right"
5. May misinterpret scripture to rationalize abuse
6. Is more interested in inflicting his/her anger onto child, than helping the child learn a life lesson, (i.e. abusive-punishment instead of discipline)
7. Has no empathy for the child (cannot put themselves in the emotional place of the child)
8. Sees child as a possession/object and is self righteous about it. (i.e. "This is MY son.")
9. Has unrealistic expectations of the child - especially age inappropriate expectations, (i.e. believes it is OK to leave 8-year-old alone at home)

The Abused Child

Abuse is either internalized or externalized by the child. Externalization may resemble the following:

1. Acting out at school - the school bully
2. Acting out at home - aggressive behaviors including violence towards siblings, possessions or pets.
3. Hits, sassy, bites. Child may equate love with abuse, and will act in a way that provokes others to hurt them.
4. Destruction of property, arson, vandalism, truancy etc.
5. Extreme Tantrums
6. Verbally abusive
7. Angry, hateful, negative attitude
8. Tries to make people angry at them, (i.e. pushing your buttons)
9. May hurt self or engage in potentially self destructive activities to induce pain (due to association of pain with love)


If they Internalize the abuse they may:

1. Resort to self mutilation (making little nicks on arms or wrists)
2. Become withdrawn and/or socially isolated.
3. Experience regressive behavior or act infantile.
4. May exhibit symptoms of depression: a.) doesn't want to socialize, b.) somatisizes, pain, headaches, sore throat, nausea, vomiting, stomach ache etc., c.) doesn't want to play outside or do usual activities.
5. May develop an eating disorder
6. May develop physical blocks - psychoanesthitizing part of the body that had abuse (i.e. loosing feeling in an arm for a period of time).
7. Dissociation - during abuse, (imagines that they are floating outside of their body) If abuse is ongoing this form of protection may become pathological and remain a problem throughout their life.
8. May develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, or dissociative disorder.
9. In any case, abuse can lead to a myriad of mental illnesses later in life.

Types of Abuse

Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual.

beating/hitting
shaking
shoving
kicking
bruising
choking
grabbing
use of belts or or other objects
slapping
anything that leaves a mark or causes injury

yelling
criticizing
ridiculing
failing to provide
lack of nurturing
threatening
passive aggression
finger pointing
controlling
intimidating
neglect
terrorizing

seductive behavior
seductive dress
indecent exposure
sexual touching
fondling
any unauthorized touch
peeping
verbal harassment
froterism
sexual letters or language
stalking
unwanted tickling

This week my adult children, my daughter-in-law and my beautiful granddaughter are here for the holiday. I have spent much of the time on the floor playing with my grand-baby and I am in heaven. She is 6 months old now and is learning about the world around her and the effect she can have on it. She is more fun to watch than my favorite show.

So this week I have been thinking about something a friend said to me many years ago in reference to her little granddaughter, she said, "Every little child needs and ought to feel as if the whole world is in love with her."

When I first heard her say these profound words I reflected on so many little children whom I have had in my office, who had been abused, neglected or otherwise mistreated in their short little life. Most often these children seemed spiritually drained of all connection with humanity. The look in their eyes was of profound sadness, and I could often see the buds of hopelessness. But just behind those soulful glances was often a spark of hope; hope that with me they would find someone who would not abandon them, who would not fail them, and who would love them unconditionally.

These little children deserved to be prized, even cherished in their families. They desperately wanted to find a way to make their parents love them enough to raise them calmly, without violence, without making them feel like an unwanted wart the parent was stuck with.

My little granddaughter is 6 months old and already she realizes that she is loved and can share love herself. She loves new people, and she expects that everyone is just as happy to see her as she is to see them. Her sense of self is budding into a rare and priceless flower who's mark on this world will be that of her own making, instead of the fallout from a home filled with anger, instability and neglect.

We know very little about the baby Mary raised to become the Savior of the World, but my guess it that he was loved beyond measure and that he too felt love for everyone around him. How else could he have risen to become the humble, empathetic and great leader her was. He was not beat down. Instead he was allowed to rise up and to flourish and become our best example in all things.

Let's raise our children as if they were gifts from God.

Consequences are often a difficult part of parenting. What kinds of consequences are best, immediate ones, harsh ones or maybe non at all? I’ve heard a lot of parents say that they just aren’t good at thinking of an appropriate consequence at the spur of the moment – so they resort to what they know regardless of how effective it may or may not be. Parent’s who haven’t put much thought into appropriate (teaching) consequences, may resort to ineffective means like hitting or yelling. In the end, bot the the parent and the child suffers and neither has learned anything positive.

There are basically two types of consequences, Natural and Logical. Both can be equally effective, but the parent has to decide which is the best for each situation.

Natural consequences are those that happen on their own as a result of a person's actions (or non-actions). For instance if a child insists on wearing shoes that are too tight, the natural consequence might be blisters. It is often better to avoid a power struggle by letting the child experience the natural consequences and learn a life lesson. After all, isn't that what parenting is all about? Helping our children learn how to get by in the world in the best possible way?

Of course you have to determine ahead of time weather or not the natural consequences are going to be safe. Blisters won't cause permanent damage, but might help the child learn a permanent lesson (if mom says something will hurt me, I'd better believe her).

The problem parent's sometimes have is attempting to keep the child from ever experiencing any unpleasant situation, i.e. blisters. The parent enters into an argument (power struggle) with the child, which has negative effects regardless of who wins. If the parent is successful at forcing the child to wear other shoes the relationship is strained, the child begins to feel either rebellious or powerless in life, and s/he doesn't learn to make decisions. S/he only learns how to be pushed into doing what other's want him/her to do. Later the parents may very well find themselves in a situation where they have no control over a rebellious teen, or they wonder why their teen is such a follower, hanging with peers that seem to manipulate him/her into doing things they thought their child would never do.

• controlling parent teaches a child to be easily controlled.

If the child wins the argument then the parent has shown the child who has the power in the relationship. The child learns that the parent is wishy-washy, and doesn't really mean what they say. Respect is lost and very difficult to regain. Later, the parent of a teen may wonder why their teen is disrespectful, never listens and maybe even hateful.

• respect is learned and earned.

Logical Consequences

The key word here is logical. Logical consequences should be used when the natural consequences for misbehavior do not provide sufficient undesirable reaction to teach the desired lesson, or when the natural consequences are too severe (as in getting hit by a car for crossing a busy street). A logical consequence for a child who has run into the street may be no longer being allowed to cross the street unless accompanied by someone older (parent or sibling). If the child still disobeys and runs into the street again, a further consequence might be that they cannot play in the front yard for the rest of the afternoon (or where ever the street is).

Logical consequences are those designed and implemented by a parent, or by another person or entity. The word Logical is what defines the consequence as discipline rather than punishment. The consequence isn't flung at the child nor is it an aggressive action of a frustrated parent to control the actions of the child.

Grounding a child for sassing is not logical. The consequence of grounding has nothing to do with the misbehavior, sassing, and therefore cannot be requisite to a learning experience for the child. The idea in setting consequences is to offer the child an opportunity to learn from their mistakes so that they will choose to behave differently next time.

The consequences need to have an understandable relationship to the crime in order for the child to learn a life lesson.

Otherwise the child is likely to learn only fear of the parent, ("I know my dad will kill me for this.") ways to manipulate the parent (come up with creative ways to get around the punishment or to outsmart the parent.) and not to be honest with the parent (make sure the deeds are done in secret with the intent of never letting the parent know what is going on - for fear of being irrationally punished).

• parents need to think in terms of discipline (teaching) rather than punishing (venting anger).

So, sit down today and think of the typical misbehavior you might expect from your child. Listing them on paper may help. Then think of what the natural or logical consequence might be for that action. Then, the next time your child acts out, you will be more prepared to deal with the situation without loosing your cool or creating an even bigger disaster.

Love your child by expecting and reinforcing good behavior; teach them how to behave by utilizing discipline that teaches them positive life lessons.

Recommended Reading:

The holidays are an exciting time of year for kids, and to help ensure they have a safe holiday season, here are some tips

Trees

• Look for the label "Fire Resistant on all trees and clothing you buy

• When purchasing a live tree, check for freshness. A fresh tree is green, needles are hard to pull from branches and when bent between your fingers, needles do not break. The trunk butt of a fresh tree is sticky with resin, and when tapped on the ground, the tree should not lose many needles.

• When setting up a tree at home, place it away from fireplaces, radiators or portable heaters. Place the tree out of the way of traffic and do not block doorways.

• Cut a few inches off the trunk of your tree to expose the fresh wood. This allows for better water absorption and will help to keep your tree from drying out and becoming a fire hazard.

• Be sure to keep the stand filled with water, because heated rooms can dry live trees out rapidly.

Lights

• Never use electric lights on a metallic tree. The tree can become charged with electricity from faulty lights, and a person touching a branch could be electrocuted.

• Before using lights outdoors, check labels to be sure they have been certified for outdoor use. To hold lights in place, string them through hooks or insulated staples, not nails or tacks. Never pull or tug lights to remove them.

• Check all tree lights-even if you've just purchased them-before hanging them on your tree. Make sure all the bulbs work and that there are no frayed wires, broken sockets or loose connections.

• Plug all outdoor electric decorations into circuits with ground fault circuit interrupters to avoid potential shocks.

• Turn off all lights when you go to bed or leave the house. The lights could short out and start a fire.

Decorations

• Use only non-combustible or flame-resistant materials to trim a tree. Choose tinsel or artificial icicles of plastic or nonleaded metals.

• Never use lighted candles on a tree or near other evergreens. Always use non-flammable holders, and place candles where they will not be knocked down.

• In homes with small children, take special care to avoid decorations that are sharp or breakable, keep trimmings with small removable parts out of the reach of children to avoid the child swallowing or inhaling small pieces, and avoid trimmings that resemble candy or food that may tempt a young child to eat them.

• Wear gloves to avoid eye and skin irritation while decorating with spun glass "angel hair." Follow container directions carefully to avoid lung irritation while decorating with artificial snow sprays.

• Remove all wrapping papers, bags, paper, ribbons and bows from tree and fireplace areas after gifts are opened. These items can pose suffocation and choking hazards to a small child or can cause a fire if near flame.

Toy Safety

• Select toys to suit the age, abilities, skills and interest level of the intended child. Toys too advanced may pose safety hazards for younger children.

• Before buying a toy or allowing your child to play with a toy that he has received as a gift, read the instructions carefully.

• To prevent both burns and electrical shocks, don't give young children (under age ten) a toy that must be plugged into an electrical outlet. Instead, buy toys that are battery-operated.

• Children under age three can choke on small parts contained in toys or games. Government regulations specify that toys for children under age three cannot have parts less than 1 1/4 inches in diameter and 2 1/4 inches long.

• Children under age 8 can choke or suffocate on uninflated or broken balloons. Remove strings and ribbons from toys before giving them to young children.

• Watch for pull toys with strings that are more than 12 inches in length. They could be a strangulation hazard for babies.

Food Safety

• Bacteria are often present in raw foods. Fully cook meats and poultry, and thoroughly wash raw vegetables and fruits.

• Be sure to keep hot liquids and foods away from the edges of counters and tables, where they can be easily knocked over by a young child's exploring hands.

• Wash your hands frequently, and make sure your children do the same.

• Never put a spoon used to taste food back into food without washing it.

• Always keep raw foods and cooked foods separate, and use separate utensils when preparing them.

• Always thaw meat in the refrigerator, never on the countertop.

• Foods that require refrigeration should never be left at room temperature for more than two hours.
Happy Visiting

• Clean up immediately after a holiday party. A toddler could rise early and choke on leftover food or come in contact with alcohol or tobacco.


Fireplaces

• Before lighting any fire, remove all greens, boughs, papers, and other decorations from fireplace area. Check to see that the flue is open.

• Use care with "fire salts," which produce colored flames when thrown on wood fires. They contain heavy metals that can cause intense gastrointestinal irritation and vomiting if eaten. Keep them away from children.

• Do not burn wrapping papers in the fireplace. A flash fire may result as wrappings ignite suddenly and burn intensely.

While away from home:

• If possible, leave small children at home with a trusted babysitter.

• Teach your child to go to a store clerk and ask for help in case your child is separated from you.

• Teach children to stay close to you at all times while shopping.

• Never allow children to make unaccompanied trips to the restroom.

• Children should never be allowed to go to the car alone and they should never be left alone in the car.

• Teach children their full name, address and telephone number to give to police officers or mall security.
• Remember that the homes you visit may not be childproofed. Keep an eye out for danger spots.

• Keep a laminated list with all of the important phone numbers you or a baby-sitter are likely to need in case of an emergency. Include the police and fire department, your pediatrician and the national Poison Help Line, 1-800-222-1222.

• Traveling, visiting family members, getting presents, shopping, etc., can all increase your child's stress levels. Trying to stick to your child's usual routines, including sleep schedules and timing of naps, can help you and your child enjoy the holidays and reduce stress.

Babies learn so much so fast in their first year. Parents, are so happy to see their baby moving and exploring on their own. But if you turn your back for a moment you may find that your baby is suddenly crawling across the room toward something unnsafe. Babies want to touch and taste everything they see. This is how they begin to learn about the world around them, so now is the time for you to look at your surroundings from a youngster's point of view so that you can baby-proof your home. Here are some tips from the National Safety Council:

Suffocation and Choking
Mechanical suffocation and suffocation by ingested objects cause the most home fatalities to children under 4. Drownings and home fires also contribute to the death of young children.

• Infants, when placed on an adult bed of any kind, can roll into the space between the wall and the mattress and suffocate. Exercise caution if sleeping in the same bed with an infant. It is possible for an infant to become wedged between your body and the mattress and suffocate. Infants should never be placed on top of soft surfaces like sofas, large soft toys, sofa cushions, pillows, waterbeds or on top of blankets, quilts or comforters.
• Babies should sleep on their backs.
• Crib bars should be no more than 2 3/8 inches apart to prevent infants from getting their heads stuck between them. Cribs manufactured after 1974 must meet this and other strict safety standards.
• The crib mattress must fit tightly so there are no gaps for an infant to fall into. Keep the crib clear of plastic sheets, pillows and large stuffed animals or toys. These can be suffocation hazards.
• Keep toys with long strings or cords away from infants and young children. A cord can become wrapped around an infant's neck and cause strangulation. Toys with long strings, cords, loops or ribbons should never be hung in cribs or playpens. Similarly, pacifiers should never be attached to strings or ribbons around the baby's neck.
• Place an infant or child's bed away from any windows. Check window coverings for potentially hazardous pull cords.
• Use child safety gates at the top and bottom of all staircases and be sure they're installed correctly. Avoid accordion style safety gates with large openings that children could fit their heads through.
• Choking is a common cause of unintentional death in children under the age of 1. Avoid all foods that could lodge in a child's throat. Some examples include popcorn, grapes, foods with pits, raisins, nuts, hard candies, raw vegetables and small pieces of hotdogs.
• Never let children of any age eat or suck on anything, such as hard candy, while lying down.
• Keep floors, tables and cabinet tops free of small objects that could be swallowed. Such objects include coins, button-sized batteries, rings, nails, tacks and broken or deflated balloons.

Falls and Burns
• A mixer faucet on the basin, tub and shower will prevent scalds. Set your hot water thermostat for 120? F. A baby's bath water should be 100? F. Always check bath water temperature with your wrist or elbow before putting a baby in to bathe. Don't allow children in a whirlpool, Jacuzzi or hot tub. Their bodies are more sensitive to hot water.
• Teach youngsters that matches are tools for adults, not toys. Adults should never ignite lighters or matches in front of children. Store matches in a fire-resistant container out of the reach of youngsters.
• Do not smoke, use matches or drink hot beverages while holding an infant. Don't leave burning cigarettes unattended.
• Remember that radiators, heating vents, space heaters, fireplaces, stoves and hot water taps are not always hot. Children can touch them once safely and the next time receive a severe burn.
• Keep electrical cords and wires out of the way so toddlers can't pull, trip or chew on them. Cover wall outlets with safety caps.

Drowning
• Never leave a child unsupervised in the bathtub. If you must leave the room for a telephone call or to answer the door, wrap the child in a towel and take him or her with you. Don't leave a small child alone with any container of liquid, including wading pools, scrub buckets, and toilets.
• A swimming pool drowning could also be called a "silent death" as there is rarely a splash or cry for help to alert parents to the problem. The typical drowning victim is a boy between 1 and 3 years old who is thought not to be in the pool area at the time of the incident.
• Fence in the pool completely. Doors leading to the pool area should be self-closing and self-latching or equipped with exit alarms and should never be propped open.
• Never take your eyes off children when they are in or near any body of water, not even for a second. Don't rely on inflatable devices, such as inner tubes, water wings, inflatable mattresses and toys or other similar objects to keep a youngster afloat. Keep toys, tricycles and other playthings away from the pool area. A toddler near the water could unexpectedly fall in.
• All pool owners and their families are encouraged to seek training in swimming, lifesaving, first aid and cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

Labels: baby proof, infant safety, protect, safety