Parenting - The Owners Manual

Children begin to develop the ability to understand "if-then" thinking around 24-48 months of age. But even then their ability to think abstractly is rudimentary at best. They begin to understand that mommy is a separate entity and that they themselves are individuals. This single theme becomes their driving force for about a year as they test their theory of separateness over and over again - thus creating what is commonly referred to as The Terrible Two's.

If the parent is intolerant of the child's new found autonomy and prevents the child from discovering and growing through his/her own sense of self the child will not develop into a confident, individuated adult. Their adult life will be ruled by others making decisions for them, they may flit from stage to stage trying to “find” themselves; attempting to do the work and the mental growth that should have been allowed when they were two. If they go to college they are likely to shift from one major to another; or they may choose the major that their parent tells them to choose. Once that opportunity to develop independence and the ability to trust your own choices has passed (around age 6) it is extremely difficult if not impossible to develop it later in life; especially if you continue to be in the company of the people who kept you from individuating in the first place.

Throughout history there have been stories of mothers creating neurotic, symbiotic relationships with their children. Although they are generally not aware of how their actions are creating a major deficit in their child’s life, they unwittingly mold their child into someone who bends to the parents wishes instead of deciding for themselves. Guilt is a major player in this type of unhealthy relationship. The mother appears as if she will fall to pieces if the child leaves home. Or she may continue to do everything for the adult child, to the degree that the adult child sees no reason to become responsible for him/herself.

So how can a parent make sure this developmental phase is nurtured appropriately so that the child is free to thrive without causing the parent to loose their mind in the process?

Because the “terrible 2’s often begin around 18 months of age, or as soon as the child learns to use the word “no” the parent is often caught off guard by their sweet infant - turned radical. Suddenly the baby that you have made all the decisions for is suddenly disagreeing with you and demanding to be heard and respected. How is it possible for this incredible change to happen overnight?

Actually it has been developing all along, it’s just that now the child has discovered a way to communicate their feelings, needs and desires with one simple word – NO! Because it is so different than what the parents has been experiencing with their child, they often have a negative, knee-jerk reaction and immediately attempt to assert their power over the child. On some level instinct takes over and the parent tries to re-establish the hierarchy and let the child know who’s “boss.” Although the parental hierarchy is an important dynamic in the healthy family, this may not be the best time to demonstrate it to the child. And here is why...

The newly speaking child is beginning to develop many social and personal lessons and skills, one of which is individuality. S/he hasn’t yet figured out what they think, feel or want, most of the time, and so they are using the word “no” to test themselves, to figure themselves out. How often have you met a young adult that says, “I need to find myself.” Just as the young adult has to try out many different life events in order to find the right fit, the 2 year old needs to do the same thing, but on a simpler plane. The parent may ask, “Do you want to take a nap?” and the tired crying child responds “No!“ Then, just for fun, the parent asks, “Do you want a cookie?” and the child explodes, “NO!” “Do you want to go to grandma’s house?” and the child screams, “NO, NO, NO!” Of course the child is still responding to the original question regarding taking a nap, but at this stage, they are trying to assertively communicate their feelings. They want to be heard, they want their opinion to be respected.

Respecting another person’s opinion however, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with it. SO when your child begins to assert themselves, the parent needn’t agree or disagree. You needn’t feel threatened or become angry at the child. Instead, validate the child by letting them know that you heard them. You might say, “I hear you saying No. I know you don’t like to take naps.”

Of course the best way to prevent this particular scenario is to refrain from asking the child’s opinion about napping in the first place. It’s the parent’s responsibility to make those decisions for the child and asking the child’s opinion first puts the responsibility of making that decision onto the child and that is never good for the child or for the outcome of the conversation.

In general it is best to encourage your child to try new things, even when you don’t think they are capable. That is how they learn – through trial and error – not unlike you. If they want to pour their own milk, offer to help them but don’t prevent them. If the two-year-old says no, take their opinion into consideration, let them know that you heard them, and even let them know that you are happy they are learning to know what they want; but ultimately it is the parent that needs to make the decisions. And it is possible to do that in a way that creates a win-win situation – well, most of the time.

But what about potty training? That will be the topic of my next blog.

Too young for discipline…

When babies cry or have a fussy day it may be hard for their parents to understand why they are having such a bad day. Babies can't articulate their feelings or needs and sometimes parents begin to believe that their helpless little child is manipulating them with their cries.

The truth is that a child's cognitive, or mental, ability changes almost daily as they grow and develop. In order for a child to willfully manipulate a parent they have to have developed the ability to understand "if-then" thinking. That is, they need to be able to formulate thoughts like, "If I cry, then someone will pay attention to me." If-then thinking is a form of abstract thinking that is developed much later in childhood; infants aren't capable of this type of thinking. Children, especially infants think concretely. Their brain can only process the here and now. They cannot think about future events, and for them the future is only a moment away. That is why a baby’s emotions can shift so dramatically from one minute to the next, because they are feeling and experiencing only the moment. The ability to think abstractly develops very slowly in children and until early adolescence a child's ability to use if-then thinking is extremely limited.

An infant's primary need is to be soothed and nurtured. They cry when they are uncomfortable or in pain. If their needs are recognized by a nurturing parent the infant will learn that the world is a safe place, that she is secure and will be cared for. She will come to trust that the parent is her protector and caretaker and will be there to help her when she feels fear, discomfort, or hunger. Her little under-developed brain is not yet mature enough to create plots against her parents by utilizing manipulative, and cunning skills. Consequently, discipline for an infant is futile. They are not capable of misbehaving or willfully defying a parent. And they are not yet able to differentiate between acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors.

So why do Babies Cry so Often?

Babies exercise all day long to the point of needing frequent naps after a session of standing, finding and controlling their limbs and lifting up to look around. If she has a particularly active day physically, it is reasonable to expect that the following day she may feel discomfort and even pain - just like we do when we go to the gym and work out or spend a day skiing or doing yard work. So she fusses and has difficulty getting comfortable, and eventually she cries. If babies have allergies to milk or other foods they may get headaches, tummy aches, or feel itchy. But they cannot articulate their discomfort by any other means than to cry and fuss. They may feel overly tired, but unable to get comfortable enough to sleep – so they cry. Even adults get cranky when they are tired and uncomfortable. It isn’t any different with a baby.

The infant believes that she and mommy are still physically one-in-the-same person, and so anytime she needs mommy's help she expects that mommy will automatically "feel her pain" and will tend to her. If mommy doesn't tend to her needs on a regular basis the baby will begin to feel hopeless when experiencing mental or physical discomfort. If neglect is ongoing she may develop a life long mindset of worthlessness, of believing that she isn't important enough to be cared about, thus setting the stage for mental illness later in life. Neglected babies can grow up without developing empathy for others; because no one was there for them they don't learn to be there for others. They begin to believe that the world is not a safe place, that it is every survivor for themselves. As adults they may develop into egocentric and callus individuals or they may withdraw into depression or even psychosis.

Children begin to develop the ability to understand "if-then" thinking around 24-48 months of age. But even then their ability to think abstractly is rudimentary at best. They begin to understand that mommy is a separate entity and that they themselves are individuals. This single theme becomes their driving force for about a year as they test their theory of separateness over and over again - thus creating what is commonly referred to as The Terrible Two's. And that will be the topic of my next blog.