How to Raise Independant, Confidant, Adults
Monday, March 19, 2007
It's true, most parents will tell you that they only want their children to grow up to be happy well balanced adults. And yet each generations social experiments seem to foster negative qualities that we didn't realize would be the side effects of our parenting styles. The first step to discovering the parenting styles that are best for your child is to realize that you are not raising a child... you are living with a child, but you are raising an adult. Once the "raising" is done, a new adult will merge into the world to continue shaping the future of it, for better, or for worse.
Robert Bornstein, a psychologist at Adelphi University and an expert on social dependency, says that much of today's generation "have a helpless self-concept in common." They see themselves as weak, vulnerable, and ineffectual, often because their parents were either overprotective—sending the message that they were fragile—or rigid and authoritarian, which taught them that the way to get along in life was to follow orders.
Both styles of operating in the world come from a deep and often frightening insecurity that the individual covers up by:
1. taking on the "Victim" role, to cover their fear of making the wrong decision (they arrange for others to make the decisions for them).
Or
2. they live unenriched lives of frustration due to a fear of failure (they never reach beyond their comfort zone and take risks, fearing that someone out there might not approve of them).
More and more we are seeing this generation grow to adulthood physically, but they often have great difficulty striking out on their own and becoming responsible for their own life. Feeling "entitled" to what their parents have, even after having families of their own is not uncommon.
I understand that we live in a world that can often feel unsafe, but over protecting your children, preventing them from acquiring socialization skills with all kinds of people is doing them a grave disservice. Learning how to hold their own to a bully, or to stand up for what they believe, in the face of radical and inappropriate teacher is what we need to be fostering in our children. And we cannot do that if we are continually "protecting" them from the ills of the world. In fact, by doing so we are emotionally crippling them.
Over-controlling a child creates an adult that has no sense of his or her own ability to make wise decisions. These new adults will either isolate themselves from the world or they will rebel against it.
Children raised by overly authoritarian parents will most certainly rebel. And they will choose those things which are most important to the parent to rebel against. I often see well meaning, but over zealous, religious parents turn out teens that refuse to take on any form of their parent's religious beliefs. They grow to see their parent's religion as the enemy instead of realizing that it was the way in which their parents "bullied" them that was the problem.
In short, you need to make an honest and realistic assessment of your parenting trouble spots. Then you need to educate yourself on positive parenting skills that can replace your old unhealthy habits. It may be psychologically painful to do this, but remember that this isn't all about you anymore. It is about the person you are raising and the quality of life you can help them discover.
And in the end you will both benefit from it. Learning to let go of your irrational belief that you are powerful enough to control others will eradicate enormous amounts of stress and anxiety in your life. You will at last feel free and peaceful. Learning to repress your anger and overly authoritarian behavior will change your life. You will begin to understand what true happiness is all about.
Robert Bornstein, a psychologist at Adelphi University and an expert on social dependency, says that much of today's generation "have a helpless self-concept in common." They see themselves as weak, vulnerable, and ineffectual, often because their parents were either overprotective—sending the message that they were fragile—or rigid and authoritarian, which taught them that the way to get along in life was to follow orders.
Both styles of operating in the world come from a deep and often frightening insecurity that the individual covers up by:
1. taking on the "Victim" role, to cover their fear of making the wrong decision (they arrange for others to make the decisions for them).
Or
2. they live unenriched lives of frustration due to a fear of failure (they never reach beyond their comfort zone and take risks, fearing that someone out there might not approve of them).
More and more we are seeing this generation grow to adulthood physically, but they often have great difficulty striking out on their own and becoming responsible for their own life. Feeling "entitled" to what their parents have, even after having families of their own is not uncommon.
I understand that we live in a world that can often feel unsafe, but over protecting your children, preventing them from acquiring socialization skills with all kinds of people is doing them a grave disservice. Learning how to hold their own to a bully, or to stand up for what they believe, in the face of radical and inappropriate teacher is what we need to be fostering in our children. And we cannot do that if we are continually "protecting" them from the ills of the world. In fact, by doing so we are emotionally crippling them.
Over-controlling a child creates an adult that has no sense of his or her own ability to make wise decisions. These new adults will either isolate themselves from the world or they will rebel against it.
Children raised by overly authoritarian parents will most certainly rebel. And they will choose those things which are most important to the parent to rebel against. I often see well meaning, but over zealous, religious parents turn out teens that refuse to take on any form of their parent's religious beliefs. They grow to see their parent's religion as the enemy instead of realizing that it was the way in which their parents "bullied" them that was the problem.
In short, you need to make an honest and realistic assessment of your parenting trouble spots. Then you need to educate yourself on positive parenting skills that can replace your old unhealthy habits. It may be psychologically painful to do this, but remember that this isn't all about you anymore. It is about the person you are raising and the quality of life you can help them discover.
And in the end you will both benefit from it. Learning to let go of your irrational belief that you are powerful enough to control others will eradicate enormous amounts of stress and anxiety in your life. You will at last feel free and peaceful. Learning to repress your anger and overly authoritarian behavior will change your life. You will begin to understand what true happiness is all about.