Parenting - The Owners Manual

Children Need to Discover Who They Are

2011-07-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Children are just little people who will grow up and become independent from their parents with talents and desires of their own - that is, if they are allowed to express themselves as children.

An important part of childhood is self-discovery, being able to try out new things, to choose their own clothes and to decorate their rooms in a way that pleases them. This is how they discover who they are and what their likes and dislikes are.

By age 10 most children will readily tell you what their favorite color is, a preference that will likely stay with them throughout life. By age 12-15 they can give you a list of their favorite hobbies as well as a list of activities they don't feel successful at. These burgeoning talents and preference are developed at a young age as they are allowed to explore the world around them and to use their imagination to construct their personal world.

A child who is not allowed to express themselves, who is held back from trying new things or who is manipulated to accept the choices of their caregiver will not fully develop their own true potential and talents. They may grow up not knowing how to please themselves; instead they look to the world outside of themselves for validation (like a proverbial social parent). In a sense they never fully mature as an autonomous individual and may feel as if the apron strings were never completely cut.

It is not a good idea to attempt to mold our children into "mini me's." Eventually they will resent the manipulation and rebel, or worse yet, they will grow into adulthood never having confidence in who they are or in their ability to make personal choices.

Trick-orTreat with a Two-Year-Old

2008-10-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

Remember the first time you sat your baby on Santa's lap?

You were so proud of your adorable little darling, and you were anxious to make family memories with a photo of your angel on Santa's big, red, hairy lap. Instead, at once, everyone in the immediate vicinity stopped, turned, an gawked at your child, who had begun screaming at decibel levels higher than an oncoming firetruck. The picture you wanted to treasure shows a panic stricken child with a death grip on Santa's beard, pulling it off as Santa desperately hands the child to whomever is nearest his chair. Beautiful.

Well Halloween is right around the corner and your next family milestone is about to be reached, taking the two year old trick-or-treating. You have painstakingly perused catalogs or fabric stores hoping to create the perfect little costume. Your two year old is bubbly, outgoing and loves to dress up, so trick-or-treating should be great fun - right? Maybe not.

Two year olds have only recently become used to the human face as being friendly and welcoming. On Halloween night, or at the neighborhood party, there may be people with masks and face painting which will transform those lovely, friendly faces into frightening, confusing and misunderstood images of fear. Two-year-olds, especially young ones, haven't yet developed the ability to understand that behind the terrifying image is a wonderfully pleasant person. In their mind, they are witnessing an onslaught of monsters anxiously awaiting an opportunity for induction into their dreams.

This Halloween you can create a pleasant, fearless experience by hosting your own Halloween party for children your child's age. In the invitations request that masks not be worn. Most young children can't wear them for more than a few minutes anyway without becoming uncomfortable. Or you can take your child to a trunk-or-treat event sponsored by your local church or shopping center.

Keep a look out for those monstrous looking ghouls and redirect your child to another attraction before they see the frightening sight. If you go door-to-door hang back behind the taller kids. That way you can see if the provider of treats looks frightening or if they are behaving in a way that might frighten your child (BOO! etc.).

Take a few precautions and make this family milestone a wonderful memory for everyone.

HELP! My Child's a Liar

2008-07-14T03:34:00.000-07:00

"Our 6 year old used to be a perfect angel, but lately she has been telling lies. She even lies about things that wouldn't get her into trouble. What has gone wrong and how can we stop her from lying?"

It is common for parents to become worried when their child begins telling tales. And more often than not parents have no idea why their once honest child is now telling lies.

Most children tell lies from time to time, especially after entering grade school. Lying is a learned form of communication. Children are inherently honest so it is only after noticing someone else telling tales that they begin to understand that lying is another way to communicate.

Children often learn to lie from other children. It doesn't take long before they realize that lying is a way to avoid responsibility for unacceptable behavior. Children who develop a habit of lying have generally learned dishonesty from their parents.

When children begin to comprehend language they listen to everything their parents say as they attempt to understand the complexities of communication. If they hear their parents saying things that are not truthful they learn that lying is moral and acceptable.

My own mother would vehemently deny teaching me how to lie, however I have many memories of her doing just that. For instance, when I was about 7 years old I heard her tell a friend that she was two years younger than she actually was. I interrupted, letting her and her friend know the truth. My embarrassed mother told her friend that I didn't know what I was talking about. The fact was, I did, and in that interaction I learned that lying was OK.

Another time while going to a drive-in-movie, my mother told me to get under my blanket and suck my thumb so that I looked like a three year old. She didn't want to pay for my entry into the movie. I was probably about 5 but I remember already understanding that tricking the ticket-taker was an acceptable and "fun" game.

When I talk with parents about their child's problem it doesn't take long before they begin to see that the greater problem is theirs. Seeing the truth, that they are responsible for their child's disregard for the truth, is a hard pill to swallow, but acknowledging your own dishonesty is necessary if you are to succeed at changing your child's behavior.

The next step is to talk honestly with your child about your own dishonest habits. Confession is cleansing and it allows the child to see that it is possible and preferable to stop lying. Change can become a family goal. The child will feel the support of the family as they make changes in their communication style.

Next it is imperative that the parent actively look for positive communications from the child. Sometimes a parent has developed a habit of seeing only bad behavior in a particular child, making it difficult to see the good behaviors. But if permanent change is to take place the child needs to experience praise and acknowledgment for appropriate behaviors. Just as they had to learn the inappropriate behavior, they now have to be shown what constitutes acceptable behavior.

Last but not least, it is important not only to address the child's lie, but to address what they are lying about. If the lie is about feeding the dog their green beans, it is important to address the underlying reason for not wanting to eat the green beans. Perhaps they were cold and yucky or maybe the child feared being punished. Help the child ease their initial distress, then help them feel safe enough to tell the truth next time.

Children come into this world like a blank slate waiting to be written on. They grow and develop by mirroring what they hear and see from those around them. If they are raised in day care, the day care workers will have an enormous effect on the child's development. If the child is surrounded by extended family the communication styles and behaviors they witness will be incorporated into their own way of being in the world. Most of all, be aware of your own behaviors and how you are influencing your child.

Early Childhood Developmental Milestones

2008-06-10T00:45:00.003-07:00

Parent's of small children often ask me questions about their child's development. They want to prepare for an upcoming change in their child's lifestyle, or they wonder if their child is in the "normal" range developmentally. So I decided to post answers to a few of the most common developmental milestones that I'm asked about.

Physical milestones

Potty training (2 to 4 years)
For almost every new milestone, the rule of thumb is "two steps forward and one step back." Just when kids seem to be making progress (telling you they need to go to the bathroom), they regress (wetting their pants). And it's okay.

It typically takes boys longer to train than girls. But regardless, your child will let you know when he's ready to ditch the diapers. Signs to look for:

* He knows the words for urine and stool.
* He stays dry for longer periods of time than he used to (e.g., he's dry after a nap).
* He's physically capable of pulling down his pants and getting on and off a potty or toilet.
* He's bothered by having on a wet or soiled diaper.
* He likes to watch you or your husband use the bathroom, and is willing to sit on the toilet or potty.

If your preschooler seems reluctant to start training, it doesn't mean he's lagging behind. It means he needs a little more time. Potty training is a highly individualized process, one that depends on your child's temperament -- and yours. So don't be concerned; you'll figure out what works for both of you. For more tips and strategies, see our Potty Training guide.

Buttoning, cutting, and zipping up (3 to 5 years)
As their depth perception heightens, preschoolers' motor skills do, too. Your child will become more coordinated on her feet -- jumping, running, and hopping. And through practice, she'll hone her hand-eye coordination and master skills like buttoning jackets and zipping pants. She may not be ready to handle scissors or pencils just yet. To help your child learn these skills:

* Have her pick up nuts and small blocks with kitchen tongs.
* Let her string beads.
* Roll out play clay and let her cut it with scissors. Snipping any which way builds the fine muscles in her hands. She can graduate to cutting paper strips once she gets good at it.
* Let her copy or trace your grocery or to-do list with a pencil.

Right- or left-hand preference (3 years)
Kids first start to show hand preference around age 2, though they're likely to experiment by switching back and forth. By the time they're 3, most are fairly consistent in which hand they use to draw, pick up a cup, reach, and wave.

Handedness appears to be an inborn trait, which is why it's not wise to try to train your child one way -- even though the world is designed for right-handed people. If you have a lefty (about 10 percent of kids are), seat him to your left so he doesn't elbow you when he eats. When he draws or writes, position paper closer to his left side so he doesn't have to hook his arm across the top to see what he's doing. He may also need help learning to write from left to right without smudging. Left-handed scissors can also be helpful.

Awareness of sexuality (3 years)
As they potty train and observe their own bodies, preschoolers discover body parts and what they do. They may "play doctor" with a pal, but most children discover their sexual organs by touching them. As disconcerting as it may be to see your child touch herself or masturbate, it's quite normal. For many kids, it stems from a need to ease anxiety. While this behavior isn't something you usually have to worry about, here's how to handle it:

1. Try to react calmly.
Overreacting or forbidding your child to touch herself could just make her do it even more, and there's no need for her to feel she's misbehaved.

2. Give her something else to do.
Ddistract her. Suggest a favorite CD or snuggling with her favorite stuffed animal.

3. Talk about privacy.
It's difficult for a 3-year-old to fully grasp that certain activities are more appropriate when no one else is around, but you can still tell her that what she's doing should only be done when she's by herself.

4. Trust your instincts.
If it seems like your child is touching herself a lot, talk to your pediatrician. There may be a medical or emotional reason for it. Chronic touching or masturbation is most often a symptom of stress or anxiety.

5. Children don't yet know how to sooth themselves when they feel anxious or worried except to pleasure themselves physically or with food. So when you discover your child stimulating themselves your first thought should be to determine what might be so stressful that the child feels the need for self soothing. Has there been stress in the home - arguing, financial worries etc? Children pick up on the tense feelings of their parents even when they know nothing of what the problem is. They feel your anxiety and begin to feel insecure and frightened.

5-a. Next you should find a way to substitute your child's coping mechanism with a more appropriate one. For instance you can cuddle, tell them a story while rubbing their back or play calming music. Help them know that home is a stable and safe place for them and everyone else in the family.

5-b. If you and your spouse have had an argument be sure to let the child know that you still love each other very much and that everything is all better now. Most of all, your child's sexual behavior is a blatant indicator of your own level of stress and how you are dealing with it. Do what you need to do to decrease your own anxiety and make a commitment to never argue or discuss stressful topics withinn hearing range of your child.

Brushing teeth (4 years)
Most kids should be able to brush their teeth themselves by around age 4, but you'll need to supervise for a couple more years. Until your child is able to spit into the sink, use fluoride-free toothpaste. When he's able to spit, switch to a pea-size amount of fluoridated toothpaste. You can also help your kid to floss at around age 4, or whenever his back molars are touching.

Losing baby teeth (5 to 7 years)
Generally, the earlier your child's teeth came in, the earlier she'll lose them. So if your baby started teething early, she'll probably lose a tooth or two before kindergarten. A few tips before the Tooth Fairy's first visit:

* Kids will often wiggle a loose tooth with their tongue, but they should never pull at it (or let a friend tie a string around it and yank!).
* As soon as the tooth comes out, have her bite down on gauze or a clean washcloth to stop any bleeding, and place the tooth in a plastic bag for safekeeping.
* How much money the Tooth Fairy leaves under her pillow is your call, but remember that your child will be losing plenty more teeth (a $5 precedent could be dangerous!).

Tying shoelaces (5 to 6 years)
By kindergarten, most kids have the motor skills and depth perception to tackle their shoelaces. To help yours get started:

1. Using a string, show him how to tie a half-knot. He can carry a string with him to practice on.

2. Have him try tying a big shoe, off his foot. Face it away from him, on the correct side of his body.

3. Use imagery: Teach him to make the first loop, then tell him that it's a tree and the thumb holding it in place is a rabbit. The other hand wraps the remaining lace -- a fox -- around the tree, then pushes the rabbit farther into its hole.

4. If this is too difficult, for the time being teach him to make two loops (one from each end of the lace) and use his half-knot to tie them together. Have him add a second half-knot for security.

Psychological milestones

Increased vocabulary (3 to 5 years)
A preschooler's vocabulary snowballs from ages 3 to 5 -- from about 900 words to 2,500 to 3,000 words. To help build your child's vocabulary:

* Ease up on the baby talk. Your child can start to handle big-kid explanations.
* Have conversations. Take a few minutes to chat and listen, and take it slow so that your child has a chance to express herself.
* Play. Whether it's dance or playing with blocks, all dynamic and imaginative types of play are brain-boosters.

Emotional growth (3 to 5 years)
Kids at these ages are able to manage their feelings better, which helps them deal with frustration, disappointment, and anxiety. And as they begin preschool, their social skills blossom as they forge relationships outside the home. Some of the touchstones of your child's emotional life:

Empathy.
From patting his little sister's boo-boo to saying he's sorry (without being told to), these are signs your preschooler's beginning to see the world through other people's eyes.

Fictional playmates.
It's completely normal and healthy for kids to have imaginary friends. Such play-acting can improve their social skills, and these friends can provide an outlet for exploring the world, including things that may be new or upsetting. They also show that your child is capable of entertaining himself, and in turn, developing self-sufficiency. If he won't tell you what his imaginary friend says (however left out you may feel), it means he understands his thoughts can be private.

Acting differently around other people.
Yes, it's a good thing that he saves his worst behavior for you. Treating different people differently is a sign that he's developing a good social sense.

Obsessions.
It may feel slightly suffocating to live with a 4-year-old who talks only about dinosaurs, airplanes, or trucks, but passions for such stuff are healthy and to be expected. Your child's intense focus on one thing show he's honing his tastes, and becoming an individual.

Remember that children develop at their own pace. Don't worry if your child isn't developing strictly within the suggested time lines. However if your child seems to be lagging behind to a significant degree talk to your pediatrician about your concerns.

Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies and Your Child

2008-05-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

I had a friend once who had intense, frequent thoughts of her own death. She imagined that she was going to be hit by a car. Although she was in therapy, she was not getting the help she needed, and before long she found it difficult to drive her car, fearing an accident. She so feared the power of her thoughts that she eventually became afraid to leave her home for fear of being hit by a car. She was 23, and the last time I heard from her, 10 years later, she was still housebound. To preserve her live she imprisoned herself in her home and stopped living.

Many people with Obsessive Compulsive disorder (OCD) have frequent thoughts of catastrophic death, either their own or that of their family members. The anxiety they feel when thoughts pop into their mind is so powerful that they can come to believe that their thoughts have the power to create the imagined catastrophe. To anyone else, that sounds downright crazy, but for the person experiencing the obsessive thought it seems very real.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a common topic on the talk show circuit, but what most people don't know is that most of us have some degree of obsessive and or compulsive tendencies. Obsessions are when you can't stop thinking about something, like worrying about whether or not you locked the door. Compulsions are when you feel compelled to do something, such as repeatedly checking to see if you really did lock the door.

Compulsive or obsessive tendencies don't become a problem unless they begin to verge on the irrational, or they begin to negatively impact your life or the life of those around you. For instance, you have to check the front door several times in order to feel secure, or you begin to feel anxious, worrying that the door might not have been locked properly. You might even return home prematurely in order to appease your anxiety.

One of the most devastating problems that results from a parent with irrational obsessions or compulsions is the negative impact it can have on the lives of their children. A parent that is overly afraid of germs, unhealthy foods or engaging in specific activities will inadvertently teach their children to fear the world.

I have seen children that were never allowed to jump on a trampoline or to stay overnight with a friend because of their parent's heightened anxiety and irrational fears. These children are being psychologically crippled by their neurotic parent. The fear based parent is forever changing who their child becomes, preventing them the freedom to explore the world around them or to live life to their fullest potential.

A parent terrified of their child being injured or dying may prevent them from swimming at the shore or bike riding with their friends. A parent who makes their child pay the price for their anxiety will unwittingly raise a child who reacts in one of two ways. Either the child will become rebellious, angry, and unable to discern between safe and unsafe activities. Or the child may adapt to the parent's neurotic control by learning to see the world through a filter of fear, creating emotional paralysis.

Living in a constant state of fear is a miserable, unhappy way to exist. But imposing our fears onto our innocent child is the saddest of all outcomes.

There is hope, but it requires the parent to choose the mental health of their child over their fears. Ask yourself, "Which do I love more, my child or my fear?"
It sounds harsh, but that is what it comes down to. Will you refuse treatment and choose instead to allow your irrational behaviors and thoughts to negatively impact your family, or do you choose to protect your child from psychological harm by getting help for yourself?

Facing your fear is nearly impossible without professional help. If it was easy you would have done it already. But addressing your fear is one of the quickest "fixes" in therapeutic terms. To help you with life immediately, a medication called an SSRI may be prescribed. But to get permanently past your obsessive-compulsive tendencies you will need the help of a skilled cognitive/behavioral therapist.

With professional help you will learn how to identify your irrational thoughts, how to replace them with rational thinking, and how to work through your fears. Unlike many types of therapy, this process can take as few as 6 sessions, and rarely more than 6 months.

Imagine your life becoming free from anxiety and fear in as little as 6 weeks to 6 months. Six months is going to come and go weather or not you get help. How do you want to be living six months from now? How important is it to you to protect your children from emotional harm? Bite the bullet. Get the help. Choose life!

When Your Child is Molested

2008-03-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

Being molested is by far one of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone. Regardless of how well the child/teen seems to be doing afterward, the psychological damage is always great, and rarely completely overcome.

Depending on the circumstances of the molestation the child/teen can develop an aversion for anything or any place that reminds them of the trauma they have suffered. For instance if they were molested by a church member they may have panic attacks at the thought of having to go to church. Or if it took place at school they may go into hysterical or emotional outbursts when expected to go back to class.

If the molestation took place in the home, i.e. in the child's bed for instance, the teen/child may develop an aversion to going to bed, experience traumatic nightmares or develop sleep disorders such as insomnia or chronic fatigue.

In the case of a bedroom molestation it is helpful to allow the child to change rooms and to get a new mattress rather than to subject them to re-traumatization day after day. But in situations where the molestation took place outside of the home - in a place where the child needs to continue to be present - it is important that the parent understand that giving in to their cries and hysterics is actually hurtful and can lead to permanent phobias and other mental illness.

Every time a child is allowed to avoid a situation which brings up memories of the trauma the brain reinforces their fear, eventually creating a synaptic pathway in the brain that prevents them from getting past their emotional blockage. They become emotionally crippled, forever terrified of religion, education, people, etc. They can develop paranoia, agoraphobia, panic disorders, depression and other mental disorders.

The parent of a victimized child can help heal their child/teen by helping them differentiate between the bad experience and the events that surrounded it. Don't allow your pity for the child to over-shadow your responsibility as the parent to help ease them back into society and the normalcy they so desperately need. After a traumatic experience it is unwise to allow the victim to make decisions about their life, especially if it includes withdrawing from life to any degree. The adult, the parent needs to be the one who makes the decisions. They need to see that the child get back into the swing of things as soon as possible.

Of course, a traumatized child needs to have a safe place where they can go to spew the poisonous venom that has been force upon them. They need a professional, someone who is trained in treating traumatized kids, to help them work through their frazzled emotions and debilitating fears. Again, don't ask them if they would like to go into counseling, tell them that this is the plan, and make it as easy for them as you can.

Children should never be put in a place of having to make adult decisions, and a traumatized child is far to overwhelmed to be made responsible for deciding what is best for them. Nurture them rather than coddle them.

Over Protection and Mental Illness - What's Your Child Learning?

2008-03-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

Parenting can quickly become an issue about the differences between male and female behaviors. Like it or not, men and women are different creatures and they behave toward their children in differing ways. Most mothers have a strong sense of protection with their children. This is an instinctual response that in previous eras was necessary to keep children from being being eaten by predators, falling off cliffs or eating a poisonous mushroom.

In our 1st-world modern culture the threats to our children's lives are not a daily event, but generations of rational, protective instincts have been routed into overprotection and neurotic, fear-based, parenting styles. That isn't to say that we no longer need to protect our children from harm; it does mean that we need to overcome our basal instincts and modernize them to fit with the real risks in our current social structure.

For instance, instead of overreacting with fear and a knee-jerk reaction when your 2-year-old son wants to clime a small wall, give yourself a step back, take a deep breath and think rationally. He is learning far more than he is risking by learning to climb and balance on that wall. And if he falls, he is learning what his limits are and how he can keep from falling again the next time. Children need to explore. It is the fundamental way they stimulate certain areas of their brain to learn deductive reasoning. If these areas of the brain have had a wide variety of life-experience from which to learn from, the child-turned-adult will be far better prepared to take on real-life hurdles and to traverse them successfully. Learning deductive reasoning cannot happen in a vacuum. It requires external stimulation including:

1. curiosity that is allowed to play out in discovery
2. attempts to tackle hurdles that may appear challenging or even frightening
3. occasional failure from which a new strategy can be devised for the next attempt.
4. encouragement from someone who helps the child learn lessons in a positive way.

A parents' role is to supervise the child, encourage the child and offer different options to guide them toward success. A two year old will frequently ignore a parent's suggestions and that is a great learning and growth opportunity as well. The child eventually learns that his way may or may not work to his satisfaction and he may eventually discover that the parent had a good idea after all - building a two way trust in the relationship.

Dads often support their children's desire to climb, throw sticks and build rock dams in creeks. Mom's are often filled with anxiety about all the "what ifs" that run through her mind as she imagines something going wrong. Sometimes the family has a double standard that says it is OK for boys to play rough but not for girls. This forcing of gender based roles can have devastating effects of the psyche of the child such as becoming mentally, psychologically and spiritually stunted and/or confused.

Another mistake parents make is to attempt to make their boys behave like girls. This is particularly true in families who have had daughters first. When a rambunctious little boy with innate desires to rumble, fight and make huge messes comes into their life, the parents instinct is to make him behave like his sisters, or to chastise him for acting like a boy - loud, energetic and restless. They may even allow their perfect little man to be put on powerful drugs to make him act more like the sweet little girls at his school. Then, years later, the parents wonder why their child has identity issues and/or drug problems.

Getting a bump on the noggin is not the end of the world for your child. And parents who act as though a bump on the head somehow reflects back onto them as being a neglectful parent, are actually advertising their insecurity to the world. To them being a parent is all about them...not the child. They fear that someone will see the bruise and think the worst, when they should be thinking about their child's need to learn through exploration and experience life with all of its bumps and tumbles. Bruises heal, but being mentally stunted is a lifelong illness that can turn into an internal prison for your child.

Many serious and often incurable mental disorders such as Anxiety Disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Agoraphobia and other Phobic Disorders are common in children who have been chronically overprotected by parents who ignorantly meant well or who selfishly pandered to their own anxieties by holding on to tight or controlling over zealously.

Keeping your child from jumping on his cousins trampoline because he might experience fright or a skinned knee (both of which will heal within a day or two), is a steep price to pay to rescue yourself from your own anxieties. Preventing your child from experiencing life, based on your own irrational fears is child abuse.

Next time your child wants to try the jungle-gym support his brave and curious nature. Stand next to him for moral support and let him climb. Tell him that if he falls you will be right there to help him get back up and try again. Make it a fun, anxiety free experience for both of you.

Keeping Your Fears to Yourself

2008-02-18T22:48:00.000-08:00

Babies are born with a highly developed startle reflex which is natures way of alerting them to danger. Infants can be startled by loud or strange noises and sudden unexpected movements. As the infant grows into babyhood unfamiliar sights such as a Halloween mask can startle and even frighten them. Toddlers may experience anxiety when a loved one leaves the room, but this is different than fears or phobias. It is anxiety about the uncertainty of being left behind. Beyond that babies just don't develop fears and phobias.

Children develop fears and phobias via the example of their neurotic or phobic family members; especially if they are young and still strongly identifying with the parent. We live in a turbulent and sometimes frightening world, but the issues that frighten society at large are adult issues that should never be imposed on the child's psyche. In fact, children should be protected from all adult fears and phobias lest they take them on as their own crippling mindset. And that includes common fears such as fear of water, insects and heights.

Overly anxious, over protective parents create phobic children who are too afraid of life to experience life. When children watch a parent having mini-panic-attacks whenever they fall down, when they get close to water or when they approach a dog they get a strong message that the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

Do parks have pedophiles? Sure they do. But that is no reason to avoid them. It is a reason to learn how to be aware of your surroundings. Does the ocean have sharks? Sure it does but that is no reason to avoid it. It is a reason to learn how to be safe around water. If you live your life giving in to irrational fears that is your choice but don't psychologically cripple your children by imposing those fears onto them.

Children need to be taught that the world is full of opportunities, that it is a wonderful place to experience life and to express themselves. Sure there will be some tumbles along the way but it is far better to live life to the fullest knowing that you will scrape your knee once in a while than to lock yourself away in fear of falling.

Parents who keep their children from enjoying life are teaching them to fear life. And a fear-based life was never a fulfilling one.

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Sex Offender Wins $10 Million Lottery

2008-02-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

For the second time in a few months, a convicted felon has won the lottery in Massachusetts. Daniel Snay (photo above), of Uxbridge, Massachusetts, a level 3 sex offender has just won 10 million dollars in a state lottery. Just a few months ago a convicted bank robber in Massachusetts won a 1 million dollar state lottery. Surprisingly, the people of Massachusetts are not too concerned, even though the first lottery winner violated his probation by buying the lottery ticket.

We often comfort ourselves by believing that most sex offenders are locked up somewhere or that they live in mobile home parks designated for felons. Neither is true. The vast majority of sex offenders live next door to you. they have jobs and even have families. And those are just those who have been convicted. Authorities believe that the actual number of sex offenders (both registered and those not yet caught)is about triple the number who are registered.

Megan's Law is now upheld by every state in the US. The law requires that the public must have access to sex offender records for their area. And now you can go online to sites such as http://www.city-data.com and find state and city wide records for virtually anywhere in the US. Most sites include photos of the registered sex offender as well as their living and work address. State records even list the number of sex offenders per capita per state. This site shows the states in order of fewest sex offenders per capita to most sex offenders per capita.

If you have children you need to stay on top of who is living in your neighborhood. Allowing fear to keep you in the dark is not an option when you are a parent. It is your responsibility to protect your children and with the national average of sex offenders being about 0ne in 700, keeping your head in the sand is a very dangerous stance to take.
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Disciplining Infants and Toddlers

2008-02-02T01:03:00.000-08:00

Parenting is an exercise in evolution. As your child grows you, the parent, need to continually reassess your discipline techniques to fit your child's age and level of development.

From birth to about 10 months of age there is very little discipline that is needed. Infants aren't capable of misbehaving yet as they don't yet have the ability to understand the concept of right and wrong. By the time the child is 12 months old they have developed the cognitive ability to understand that some behaviors are acceptable and others are not. However, they haven't developed enough to determine which behaviors are right and which aren't. Consequently a child under one year of age cannot misbehave.

This is not to say that babies cannot try a parent's patience, but at this young age it is the parent that needs to learn how to teach the child by example and with positive reinforcement. No other form of discipline will have a positive effect.

From 18 months to 3 years of age the child has begun to understand that they are capable of getting the parent's attention via certain behaviors. They begin to understand that some behaviors have negative consequences and others have positive consequences. The more positive experiences a child has the more they will engage in behaviors that have positive consequences. A child who is craving attention will often resort to behaviors with negative consequences. A child's need for parental interaction is greater than their fear of punishment.

That's not to say that even a well loved child won't act out. They will. Between the age of 15 months and 3 years the child wants to understand what the rules are. Rules make them feel safe and secure. So they will continually choose to engage in behaviors that they have previously been scolded for. They do it to reinforce the rule in their mind, not to upset the parent or to assert dominance in the home. They do it to see if the parent really meant it when they introduced a new rule. Little children need the rules to be enforced over and over again in order to trust that it is not negotiable.

Some forms of discipline are effective with children this young and others are very ineffective. The following is a list of discipline styles both effective and ineffective for children age 18 months to 3 years.

Effective:
Positive Reinforcement
Redirecting
Verbal Instruction/Explanation
Time-outs (no longer than one minute of time-out per year of life)

Ineffective:
Establishment of Rules
Grounding
Withholding Privileges

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Your Child in Play Therapy

2008-01-24T02:47:00.000-08:00

Play therapy is a style of therapy that is particularly helpful in treating children. Although it has been shown to be highly successful in treating childhood trauma and emotional issues it is largely misunderstood by parents. Consequently children in therapy are often removed from treatment far too soon by parents who just can't grasp the therapeutic necessity of play therapy.

When I see children in therapy I allow them to choose their activity, and often they choose the sand tray and small toys and objects that go along with sand tray therapy. I remember one grandparent who just couldn't understand how paying me money to have her four-year-old granddaughter play in the sand was going to help, so she bought a sand box for the backyard and pulled the child out of therapy.

A few months later she complained that the child wasn't improving, and then she concluded that playing in the sand was not therapy. What she couldn't understand was that play therapy is far more than just play. It takes a highly trained professional to help guide the child as well as to accurately interpret their play behavior.

Like any form of therapy, play therapy needs to run its course at the child's pace. If therapy is terminated too soon the child will not progress fully and may even relapse into undesirable behaviors. Although children in therapy tend to recover from trauma much faster than adults it is still important to allow them to progress at their own rate. Be patient, trust your mental health professional and support your child's road to recovery.

Individuality and Family Trauma

2008-01-03T01:41:00.000-08:00

Too often I hear parents or siblings complain that a family member is blaming their childhood for their problems, and the next thing out of their mouth is "All the kids in the family had the same childhood but you don't see us acting like that."

Every child is an individual. In families most of the children experience an event from the perspective of differing ages, genders and personality types. Consequently the experience will effect each child in a different way. Each will interpret what happened differently from the rest. And each will carry away differing memories of the event.

For instance during a divorce a parent may lean on one child for emotional support while neglecting or blaming another child. Subsequently each child will come away with a different kind of wound from the same family event. And each will be impacted in life in a different way.

Blaming a child, even an adult child, for having difficulty in life is another way of re-victimizing an already traumatized individual. Expecting that children are not emotionally or psychological damaged by family stress is living in denial. Children have the same emotions adults do, they just don't express them in the same way. And often, their pain goes unnoticed until they are grown and safely away from the family environment which caused them to suppress their suffering.

Compassion, not judgment, will go a log way in mending family strife.

Childhood Depression & Self Inflicted Pain

2007-12-21T03:33:00.000-08:00

When I was in graduate school one of my first clients was a woman who came in to talk about her depression. At her second session she confided that she was worried about her 3 year old son who was belligerent and often banged his head when he was frustrated. At the time I didn't really know what to make of it and I suggested that she take him to his pediatrician to be assessed for autism.

Because I was only a student therapist and she only had a few sessions with me, I never learned the outcome of her son's doctor visit.

If she were to come to see me now I would do things differently. I would have her bring her son in to be assessed for depression. We now know that depression can have strong familial and genetic ties. We also know that even very little children can suffer with depression. But because children are not verbally or emotionally sophisticated they show symptoms of depression in very different ways from adults. Both parents and pediatricians can miss the child's cries for help.

Children, even infants, have feelings of anger, frustration, stress and depression. But they don't know how to adequately communicate their feelings. Consequently their frustration and anxiety increases even further and they degenerate into an emotional heap; throwing a tantrum, screaming, hitting themselves in the head and throwing themselves onto the floor.

Parents become perplexed and worry that their child may be turning into a brat. Not so. Just as with adults, depression in children causes them to feel unheard, unloved and unworthy of love. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable is so great that they distract themselves from their emotional pain by focusing on creating physical pain.

If the child's depression and feelings of worthlessness go unchecked they may grow into teens and adults who begin cutting themselves, getting involved in masochistic sexual relationships or taking drugs, attempting to use physical pain as a distraction from their intense emotional pain.

If you have a child or infant who is frequently tantruming, banging their head, hitting themselves or otherwise causing themselves physical pain, take them to see a clinical psychologist who is well versed in childhood depression, to be assessed. Even if your family dynamics are such that they are contributing to the child's unhappy behavior, it is important to learn if there is a genetic component as well.

Don't be too quick to label your child belligerent or bratty. Punishing this behavior only validates the child's feelings of worthlessness and increases their anger and frustration. Depression isn't a choice. However you, the parent, can choose to help your suffering child.

When Too Much is Not Enough

2007-12-18T04:44:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again, when children are excitedly waiting to open their gifts, and parents are eager to get a few days off of work.

I have to admit I have gone a little crazy buying gifts for my granddaughters - just as I used to with my own kids - it's a sickness. When I'm shopping, all I can think of is the smiles on their faces and the joy I feel believing that I somehow succeeded in making them happy. But what I loose sight of is all of the other ways that happiness can be brought into their lives.

Intellectually I understand that real, lasting happiness comes with memories of time spent together, enjoying each other's company and creating family traditions. I realize that my kids, now adults, have fewer memories of what they got for Christmas than they have of family outings and moments when they felt loved and appreciated. So I'm not sure why it is still so easy to get back on that gift buying band wagon.

Perhaps it is our culture of materialism and commercialization. Maybe I'm making sure that they never have to feel disappointed or have their expectations dashed. But truly, I know that it is really about me. I'm buying them gifts to make me feel momentarily happy. But the holiday season isn't supposed to be all about me.

It's too late for me this year. After all we have already rented a U-haul to pack all the gifts from here to my granddaughter's house. So perhaps I should make this my New Years Resolution - "I will honor myself and my family by being less selfish and paying more attention to the quality and quantity of time that we have together." I will put my priorities in order and remember that material gifts will eventually fade and break apart. But families can be together forever, as long as we make a constant effort to bind them together with love instead of with stuff.

Better Than Spanking - Light Hearted Parenting

2007-12-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

My son sent me this email and I thought it was blog-worthy:

~ Tough Love vs. Spanking ~
(a psychological conundrum)

It seems that these days most Americans understand that it is improper to spank children, so over the years I tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

This worked so well for my children that I now use the method on my grandchildren. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my grandson, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
A Friend

Don't Be a Lazy Parent

2007-11-30T01:17:00.000-08:00

A while back I was counseling a couple who were parenting their grandchildren. The grandmother was still young and had her youngest boy still living at home. Her problem was patience - or lack of it, and aggressiveness.

Because of her lack of patience she often used physical attacks as a way to control a situation. I discovered this when the three-year-old told me that grandma had hit her and thrown her onto the bed when she was angry.

When the grandmother came to pick up the child I informed her of what had been said and told her I had to contact Child Protective Services. Of course she was very upset. But over the next few weeks I attempted to help her learn how to parent without violence.

During one session the three year old climbed onto the piano bench and began to bang on the keys. The grandmother instantly yelled at her but the child kept playing. The grandfather stood up, calmly went over to the girl and picked her up. He brought the child back to his seat and held her on his lap until she was willing to play quietly on the floor.

The grandmother was furious. She looked at me and exclaimed "See, she doesn't listen to anything I tell her, how am I supposed to make her mind if I don't hit her to get her attention?"

"Well," I said, "your husband just took care of the situation in a calm and non-violent way."

The grandmother looked as if she would explode, "But he had to get up and go get her off the piano" she yelled.

"Exactly." I responded.

Parenting takes time as well as common sense and some education. Expecting the three-year-old to automatically obey just because she was told to do something is like expecting a dog to do tricks with no reward - it just isn't going to happen. Parenting requires the parent to interact with the child as they teach the child rules, values and expectations. And more often than not, that means doing more than just making demands.

Don't be a lazy parent. Being a successful parent requires your undivided attention, lot's of energy and your time. Anything less will result in frustration, both now and down the road.

To Spank or Not to Spank

2007-11-13T02:07:00.000-08:00

Spanking, that is the question. Whether it is nobler to use discipline as a teaching moment or to use punishment to let the child know just how angry his behavior has made us. OK, this isn't Shakespeare, and the consequences for hitting a child aren't nearly as difficult to understand.

Let me make this as simple as possible.

When a child is hit, spanked, whenever he does something that displeases the parent he learns several things, one of which is that he must be innately bad. Why else would the parent be so angry and hurtful? Only a bad person gets punished so harshly right?

After a while the child begins to define himself as bad, defective - or deserving of severe, painful treatment from others. When the child defines himself in this way he eventually begins to loose hope that he could ever be "good enough" to be treated differently, and so he takes on this role as his identity.

Once he internalizes the identity of "the bad child" he begins to believe that attempts to behave in an acceptable manner are futile, and he accepts the idea that he isn't capable of behaving in a socially acceptable way - so he stops trying. If he is inherently bad, so be it. If a lifetime of punishment is what is in store for him he accepts it. Attempts to discipline the child become meaningless as he defies the parent in spite of the threat of severe consequences. Harsh treatment is now a given in his life and he is no longer phased by it.

When a parent tells me that spanking a child is a good way to stop unacceptable behavior I cringe. It isn't acceptable, it is only convenient for the parent. Effective parenting is supposed to be all about the child - not about the parent.

Discipline is a way to use the moment to help the child learn right from wrong. And no one can learn effectively when under attack.

Killing the Joy - Another Parenting Mistake

2007-10-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have been here at Disney World - The Magic Kingdom, the land where children's dream are supposed to come true. Although it is just my husband and I it has been great fun - for the most part.

But both my husband and I have found ourselves distressed upon seeing out-of-control parents destroying their child's happiness at what is supposed to be The Happiest Place on Earth.

Not a day has passed that we haven't seen one or two parents yelling at, threatening or even swatting their child. It has caused me to wonder about the unhappy life these children might be suffering everyday.

Just the fact that the parents were willing to bring the child to Disney World and pay the exorbitant entrance fees causes me to believe that these parents are indeed trying to create happy family memories. But something in them, perhaps mental instability or memories of their own unhappy childhood has caused them to lash out at their innocent child instead of relishing this opportunity to let the small things slide - at least for the day.

For instance, While standing in line waiting to be let into the park a Disney character offered a young girl a balloon. This made her smile with pride and glee. For the next ten minutes or so the mother continually chastised the girl for allowing the balloon to move about. Now you must understand that there was a breeze that morning, and I watched as the girl tried pointlessly to keep the balloon stable, but still the mother swatted her arm, threatened her with a guttural, monstrous voice as she clinched her teeth together, crouched down to the child's face and pinched her shoulder with her large, muscular hands. The mother's nostrils and cheeks flared as she growled at her daughter. It was as if she assumed that her theatrics could not be seen or heard by the crowed crammed tightly around them.

I nearly cried as I watched the child's expression of specialness and glee fall into one of fear and confusion. It was clear that the girl didn't know how to "be." And it appeared to me that she was terrified to emote any further happiness. I wondered what her day would be like and what memories she would take home with her.

What a difference a parent can make in the lives of their children - for better or for worse.

Discipline Without Violence

2007-10-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

I remember back in the 70's and 80's it was not uncommon to see parents yelling at or abusing their children in public. I thought about this the other day when it occurred to me that it had been years since I had confronted one of those parents. So I'm thinking that either parents today are more savvy about child rearing or they have learned to keep it indoors. Overall, I'd like to believe the former.

So I'm guessing that most parents have their child's best interest at heart. Of course there will always be those who have unresolved anger issues stemming from their own fear-ridden childhood and their lack of discipline as an adult. But overall I think parents today are more enlightened than they were in the 70's.

Today most of the parenting questions I get have to do with childhood development and of course discipline. Child development is an easy fix - just go to the library and check out a book on the latest research on childhood development. The issue of discipline is another matter.

Although parents seem to be better educated these days about the negative ramifications that accompanies negative reinforcement, there still seems to be a segment of the population that want to hold onto their belief that hitting - spanking a child is the best way to "get their attention" or to "make a point." their theory is often wound around their own childhood and the fact that they were hit by their parents.

I don't buy the argument that "I was hit and I turned out OK." In fact you didn't turn out OK. You were never taught how to parent without violence and that is not OK. If your parents had disciplined you effectively without violence you would in fact find it perplexing that anyone could hold onto such a misinformed belief that spanking was the right way to teach a child.

Discipline that teaches the child how to reason and make correct choices in life involves patience, self-discipline and time. It requires the parent to actively participate in the learning process with the child and it requires that a parent be willing to set aside their selfish desires and attend to the problem at hand.

Parenting without violence produces children, and later adults, who do not have a propensity for violence themselves. They tend to grow into people who understand the difference between right and wrong - not because someone beat them into submission but because they were given the skills early on that enables them to take on life's drama with courage and self confidence.

If you have difficulty figuring out how to parent without violence, get yourself to a library and start reading up on healthy alternatives to disciplining your children. You will be glad you did.

Britney Spears & Other Wonderful Mothers

2007-10-04T01:08:00.000-07:00

In a perfect world only people who would make good parents would have children. After getting married perspective parents would turn in a resume and later they would be called in for an interview. A panel of parenting experts would review the information provided and decide whether or not the couple could have a child. After every third child the panel would need be called in for another review, this time they would determine how the couple was dealing with their marriage and with their children.

But it isn't a perfect world and unfortunately there are far too many children being born to unprepared or unqualified parents - or parent. This week Britney Spears was ordered to turn over physical custody of her two little boys to her X, and in spite of having just lost her kids, she chose not to show up today to court for the custody hearing. K-Fed may not be the pinnacle of parenthood either but at least he is keeping his nose clean and trying to act like a father.

Another mother this week strangled and drowned her two toddlers in the bathtub. The autopsies showed that the children suffered as they died. She is claiming that her estranged, abusive husband is to blame because as her aunt put it, "he drove her to it."

And in my own neighborhood, a little 13 year old foster child is pregnant and plans to keep the baby. She wants someone to love her, to make her feel like she has a purpose in life. No baby should come into the world with a job, and certainly not the job of being responsible for its mothers' feelings.

OK, I'm ranting. I admit that when I first became a mother I had an awful lot to learn and I made mistakes along the way. But always present in my mind was the desire to be the best mother I was capable of. Somehow I was aware that every choice I made needed to be for the best interest of my child. I read hundreds of books, went to parenting classes and perhaps most important, I spent my time with my children rather than perusing my own desires.

It will never be a perfect world. But perhaps those of us who are doing our best to put our children first can raise a generation of happy, well balanced kids that will do enough good in the world to balance out those who will be stuck in therapy the for rest of their life.

Over Protection is no Protection - The Learning Child

2007-09-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

I know a mom with a 16 month old daughter who just learned to crawl. The mom is an attentive, loving and devoted woman, but she is paralyzed with fear that her daughter will do something dangerous and be injured. Because she is a friend and not a client I don't offer her advice unless she asks for it, but at times I have to bite my tongue.

Children learn by doing. They learn more from their falls than they do from their successes. And when we protect them to the point of preventing them from trying new things we are preventing them from going into and working through some very important developmental stages in their life.

Generally I see this happening more with female children than with male children. Perhaps it is the cultural stereotype of teaching boys to be tough, and training little girls to be quiet and ladylike. Whatever the reason, all children regardless of their gender need to be allowed to experiment, and occasionally fall. When they do they will determine what they need to do differently next time to prevent themselves from falling.

If children aren't allowed to learn by trial and error they will never learn how to walk through life with courage and self confidence. By protecting our children from getting a scrape or two we are crippling them for life.

Baby Einstein, Sesame Street and Baby Education

2007-09-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

In the last few years educational videos, games and books like Baby Einstein, Little Einstein and Dora the Explorer have become parental favorites. Yes Sesame Street still has a huge audience, the the focus on learning everything from classical composers to sign language seems to have taken the top spot with children & babies as young as 2 months old.

Since the 80's there has been an upsurge in the desire to educate our children on a wide variety of topics at earlier stages in their life. On the outset this doesn't seem like such a bad thing. And in fact, if educational stimulation is balanced with all the rest of what life should be offering to children then it can be quite beneficial.

The problems come when a child or baby is watching hours of television and or DVD's per day. The latest research has shown that after about 30 minutes of audio-visual stimulation the child's capacity for learning drops significantly and a dependence on visual stimulation sets in. So instead of creating super genius kids we are creating immobile, couch potatoes who's brains have been numbed. The child's capacity for creative, imaginative play is greatly stunted and their ability to think for themselves is markedly altered.

The real casualty of allowing children to watch more than about 30- 60 minutes of television/video per day lies in what the child is missing out on rather than what they are becoming addicted to. Studies show that these children are less able to deal with social situations, specifically social interactions with family, friends and others they encounter throughout their day.

Their ability to use mental functions such as abstract thinking becomes impaired and they are less likely to learn and develop talents and other interests such as reading for pleasure or playing a musical instrument.

So once again the research has shown that less is more and that too much of a good thing can have very negative effects on your child's future.

Jodi Foster, Single Moms and Fatherless Children

2007-08-29T04:57:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article - an interview - with Jodi Foster that really grabbed my attention. Now a mother of 2 boys, Ms. Foster and her female companion are raising the boys much like Jodi herself was raised after her parent's divorced (before her birth) and her mother took in her female lover. That isn't what grabbed me.

What really struck me was that in the beginning of the interview she vehemently advocated raising children in a fatherless home. She said, "I don't think a father is necessary to raising a happy, healthy baby." But several paragraphs later she seemed to forget her proclamation when she began to talk about her unhappy childhood without a father. She admits that she is "still haunted by a sense of loss caused by my father's absence. I always say I keep making the same movies over and over again (in an attempt to resolve my pain). It's a long emotional journey to be able to let go and say goodbye."

From a psychological standpoint the article was very interesting. I'm not attempting to bash Jodi Foster here however. In fact this story could apply to a great many Hollywood "moms" out there. But I am struck with the ease with which people are so willing to rationalize the choices they make for their own children without putting 2 and 2 together to see just how much pain they have suffered because their parent made those same choices.

The fact is that children who are raised in a loving home with both a mother and a father are far more likely to grow up to be happy, whole individuals far more often than children who are not raised in a nuclear family. This is not just a matter of personal opinion. Hundreds of proper studies and eons of time have confirmed this as a fact, regardless of the culture or economic status of the family.

Men are far more than sperm donors. They balance us out. They offer our children something that no woman can give. A woman cannot teach a boy how to become a man any more than a man can empathize with a woman about childbirth.

So if we are going to embrace a culture of fatherless children, perhaps we should prepare ourselves and society for the fall-out. All choices have consequences. Let's not make our children suffer for ours.

Shoplifting, Making it a One-Time Crime

2007-08-21T02:24:00.000-07:00

I was about 5 when I decided that the 6" candy bar in the check out isle should be mine. Somehow I knew that my mom wouldn't buy it for me so I stuffed it under my shirt. "That was easy," I thought. So I stuffed another one and then a third. I looked down at my shirt to see if my crime was obvious. It was, but I told myself that no one seemed to notice so it must be OK.

When my mom went to pay for her groceries, she told the cashier to charge her for 3 candy bars. I was momentarily confused until she looked at me and told me to take them out from under my shirt. I had been caught. She made me apologize to the clerk who told me that I should never do that again - and I didn't.

About 75 percent of children attempt to shoplift at least once in their formative years. But it is largely the reactions of their parents that determine whether or not they will attempt a repeat performance.

Parents who ignore the behavior, or who openly find it amusing only encourage the child to continue to feel entitled to anything s/he sees. The lesson of honesty and respecting what belongs to other's is not learned. On the other hand, if the parent makes the child take responsibility for their misbehavior by apologizing to a store manager, the child is much less likely to steal again.

After apologizing the child should either pay for the stolen item or work off the appropriate amount of money with chores. However it is never appropriate to give the child the stolen item, even after they have made restitution. Doing so would only reward the child for their crime.

Matel Toy Recall - Brain Damage & Lead

2007-08-15T03:51:00.000-07:00

Technorati Profile

The media has been focusing a lot of attention to toys that are being recalled due to having lead in the paint. Over 9 million toys have been recalled to date, all made in China.

The problem is that lead paint can be fatal to infants and toddlers if ingested. Because infants and toddlers are prone to putting these toys in their mouth they are at risk. So far this year over 70 thousand children under the age of 4 have been diagnosed with lead poisoning in this country. Consequently, it is important that every parent take heed to the warnings and remove any toys they may have that may be tainted.

Lead poisoning has been shown to cause brain damage in young children, especially those who are not taking daily supplements of calcium and iron. Calcium and iron help the body break down the lead if ingested. however, with enough exposure, even children in the best health can suffer physical and mental damage.

Here is a site that lists the latest recalled toys including photos of each toy:
http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml07/07273.html

Pica - a childhood eating disorder

2007-06-09T01:38:00.001-07:00

Q. My nephew who is about 1 1/2 yrs. old is always picking up screws, bolts, anything metal, etc..., and rocks to eat. Does this mean that something is wrong or is it just a bad habit? Could he be lacking something?
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A. It sounds like he may have pica (PI-kuh), which is a disorder in which children crave or eat non-food substances, like rocks, clay, hair, etc. Other children with pica eat paper, cardboard, or even the stuffing from furniture.

While it isn't known what causes pica, these children may have some kind of nutritional deficiency, especially a deficiency of iron or zinc. Since he drinks a lot of milk and doesn't have a 'healthy diet,' he may very well also be suffering from iron deficiency anemia.

In addition to providing him with a safe environment, so that there aren't any screws or bolts for him to pick up and swallow, he should see his Pediatrician for an evaluation. Along with a physical exam. If you think that he may have swallowed some of the things that he puts in his mouth, a chest and abdominal x-ray may also be a good idea.

Since toddlers do tend to normally put things in their mouth, if everything is normal in his evaluation with his Pediatrician and he doesn't do it all of the time, then it may just be a habit that he will outgrow. In an older child, like over 3 or 4 years, this behavior would clearly be identified as pica, but it is harder to make a diagnosis in a toddler.

A school age child with concsistant and strange eating habits should see a child psychologist to be assessed for Pica which may have a psychological component to it.

Children and Eating Disorders - Part 2

2007-05-13T02:42:00.000-07:00

Anorexia and Bulimia used to be thought of as a teenage disorder, not any more. Children as young as 4 years old are developing the deadly disorder. There may be a neurological component that predisposes some girls to an eating disorder, but research to date indicates that the vast majority of children who develop eating disorders have done so as a defense against an emotional dilemma.

There are several similarities in family dynamics of children who develop serious issues involving food. For most children it is a combination of beginning to feel badly about their body and feeling as if they don't have control over any aspects of their life other than food and weight.

"A recent study (Davison, Earnest, Birch; Participation in Aesthetic sports; International Journal of Eating Disorders April 2002 pgs. 315-316) demonstrates that in comparison to girls who participated in non-aesthetic sports or no sports, girls who participated in aesthetic sports reported higher weight concerns at ages 5 and 7 and girls who participated in aesthetic sports at ages 5 and 7 reported the greatest concern about their weight."

Children who are in several after school activities that focus on their bodies (ballet, Karate, soccer etc.)can become worried that their body isn't good enough, or that they aren't as thin or as athletic as another person on the team. This combined with a family dynamic that focus on weight or the weight of others is a set up for an eating disorder.

Girls who have mothers who are frequently dieting, talking about their weight, or the child's weight are setting their daughters up for at minimal a distorted body image. If the family tolerates negative remarks about others who are heavy or if the child is compared to others physically, the child is being molded perfectly for an eating disorder.

A family that is filled with chaos such as a having a parent with an alcohol or drug addiction is creating a home in which the child feels little or no control over their life. In these situations it is not uncommon for a child to learn that the only thing they can control is their food intake. This can lead to everything from anorexia to obesity.

Take care to be a healthy example to your children by conducting yourself in a way that shows that you feel good about yourself and that you have no bias against people who are heavy. Your good example will go a long way to helping your child develop a healthy outlook toward themselves and others.

Eating Disorders - How Do They Begin?

2007-05-11T01:27:00.000-07:00

Many years ago I made a comment to a friend that if she continued to force her daughters to finish everything on their plates that they would develop eating disorders. Of course my comments fell on defensive ears - I wasn't very tactful back then.

Two decades later she confided in me that her daughters were both morbidly obese and how she often thought about my comment, and her previous lack of belief in my words. Now, she is dealing with the mortality of her two adult daughters and she wishes she could do it all over again - differently this time.

Mom's are naturally sensitive to what their children are eating - or not eating; attempting to control our child's intake is often a sore spot for both mother and child. But control isn't often the answer to a toddler's picky eating habits. A better way is to let them pick at the variety of foods you have offered them until they are feeling satiated or satisfied.

Children by the time they are old enough to feed themselves with finger foods are generally pretty good at figuring out what their body needs. It is an innate ability for human beings to crave what they need and to dislike what they don't need. That is why a toddler may hate peas at one meal but love them at the next. They want them when their body needs the particular nutrients that the peas have to offer.

As adults we are so far removed from knowing how to listen to our body, to interpret it's code and to trust that it knows exactly what it needs, that we begin the process of teaching our children to rely on what others tell them to eat instead of nurturing their ability to feed themselves in a healthy way for them.

If you are providing your child a variety of foods such as protein, fruit, vegetables, simple and complex carbohydrates as well as regularly introducing new foods for them to try, your child will pick and choose what they actually need now to help their body benefit most.

However if you allow your poor snacking habits to become your child's poor snacking habits, their innate ability to know how to eat properly will begin to diminish. If this is a regular occurrence your child will - like you - begin to crave sweets and fats that temporarily trick the body into believing it is getting what it needs. And that will be the start of a life-long eating disorder.

Next week I will cover another aspect of how eating disorders may have their roots in early childhood and what you can do to prevent your children from developing one.

For more on eating disorders click here to go to Psych-Net Mental Health

Parenting your Parent and the Feeling of Entitlement

2007-04-30T02:39:00.000-07:00

Parenting isn't something that ends once the child enters school. The responsibilities of parenting continue on throughout your life. It isn't over when they go away to college or when they get married and have a family of their own. Parenting on one level or another is a thing that lasts for as long as you have a child - even if that child is a grandparent by now.

I have often said "You know you have done something right if your children are all grown up and they still like you." What I don't understand is how a family can let the most ridiculous things, like money, or status tear them apart.

Too often I have seen adult children turn on each other because of the way their parent's estate was divided after the death of a parent. What is it that makes adult children feel so entitled to their parent's money that each expects to get the lion's share of it when the parent dies? The truth is, that in most cases, our parent's, by the time they die, owe us nothing. We are entitled to nothing. More than likely we still owe them, for raising us the best they knew how, for being there when we needed them, for helping us buy our first home or for taking care of us after the birth of our first child.

My mother is in her 80's, and still if I get sick she worries and wants to know how she can help me feel better. Most of the time now, the shoe is on the other foot and I am looking after her to make sure her golden years are the best possible. I am the adult now, I am the grandma who is doing for my children the things that my mother used to do for me. It's just the cycle of life, and no where in the book of life is there anything about being entitled to your parents earthly possessions when they pass away.

Sitting back on ones laurels waiting for your parents to die seems to me a pitiful way to be in this world. It is time for us to wake up, grow up and stop making such a fuss about who gets what. Love your parents while they are still here. Listen to what wisdom they have to offer - even if you have heard that story a dozen times already. Be patient, loving and grateful for the one person in your life who has spent their entire life loving you.

NO! Teaching Your Toddler to Communicate

2007-04-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

It seems to be an American milestone when your toddler learns to use the word no. Once your toddler learns that yelling the word "NO" gets a reaction out of you, your life with a defiant toddler will become a daily challenge.

The best thing to do is to limit your own use of the word no starting when your child is still non-verbal. Parent's often use "no" as an all-inclusive admission of panic. The intensified emotion is quickly picked up by the child and will soon be used as a powerful way to communicate nearly every emotion. There is a better way.

Helping your child learn how to use vocabulary to accurately express himself will not only make his communications clearer, but it is likely to increase his vocabulary as well as his I.Q.

When your child attempts to indulge in an unacceptable behavior use a situation-specific word to describe your discontent. For instance, when your child reaches for a glass vase, instead of yelling "NO" say "STOP! Break! Cut!" As you lift your toddler away from the danger use vocabulary he can understand to help him understand that the vase can fall, break and eventually even cause him harm.

When you use the word "no" as a command for everything the child does, the child learns only that it is OK to yell - or curse - whenever someone wants to exert power over someone else. No becomes a curse word instead of an intelligent and specific communication. Using a word like "stop" is more accurate and when your child begins to speak he will understand that "no" is a word used to express a negative sentiment and that "stop" is a command.

Learning to communicate is difficult enough, let's give our children a healthy start and perhaps they will grow up confidant in self expression.

Becoming a Parent - What Are You Thinking?!

2007-04-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Babies are cute - without a doubt. But that is no reason to become a parent.

Several years ago I was a therapist to 23 teen moms - all in one high school. Nearly all of these girls had romantic ideas about love, sex and parenting before becoming pregnant. But after having their babies their worlds changed forever - and not in the way they imagined.

Here are some of the misconceptions they had about having a baby:

1. "My boyfriend won't leave me if I have sex with him." Fact - not one of the 23 girls were still dating the boy who got them pregnant by the time their baby was 6 months old.

2. "I want a baby so I will feel loved." Truth - babies don't come into the world giving love, they need love, attention and every minute of your day and night. It is difficult enough to grow up in this world without being born with the job of taking care of the parent's feeling and emotional needs. To be a parent you have to be willing to take care of the baby's needs not the other way around.

3. "I'm old enough to know how to be a mom." Fact - Not one of the 23 girls said they would do it again now that they knew what was really involved in parenting a baby. In fact many of them were seriously depressed because their life had changed so dramatically.

4. "I will be a better mother than my own mom has been." Fact - Your mother was and is your role model, and regardless of how much you fantasize being different, unless you have a lot of training, and counseling beforehand, you will find yourself dealing with life in a very similar way.

5. "My child will never hate me or treat me badly." Fact - Statistics show that children born to a teenage, single parent are 5 times more likely to have troubled family relationships than those born to mature 2-parent homes.

Having a baby is not something to do for any reason other than because you have a stable family atmosphere in which that child will be the center of his/her parent's world.

Raising a Better Future Starts at Home

2007-04-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm spending this week with my grand baby, and of course, her parents. As usual, I just can't get enough of her. She is eternally happy - except when she is hungry or needs to take a nap, but even then, within seconds of getting her needs met, she is delighted with life again.

I have been known to say that "every baby, every toddler, ought to believe that they are the most important, the most wonderful, and the best loved person on the planet." Childhood can be a wonderful time of life; and with parents who's goal it is to bring as much happiness as they can to their precious child's life that child is bound to grow up believing they are well loved, that they are important at least to a few friends and family members; but mostly they develop a belief system about the world that includes good people, honest people and a world in which happiness is within their grasp.

Sometimes, well meaning people attempt to sabotage a child's dreams by making statements like "Honey you shouldn't put any thought into becoming an artist, you need to think about a practical profession." Toddlers and even teenagers can be easily discouraged, especially when someone they look up to doesn't support their dreams.

Even babies can begin their life's journey believing that they are not good enough to succeed at reaching their dreams if others have successfully turned their dreams into mere fantasy. Children are quick to conform, to develop into the people that others expect them to become - bad, good, or indifferent. They start believing that their own ideas are not rational or that they will never be capable of making their dreams come true. Rather, than making goals for their life that will bring them happiness, they settle for what comes easy. They eventually loose site of their childhood dreams and spend a very unsatisfying life wondering what went wrong.

Moral of the story:

Make it your goal to make every moment of your child's life a happy one. Let go of your less important "tasks" in favor or spending happy time with your child. The end result will be a self confidant, happy adult.

Parenting is about time - lots and lots of it - and how that time is spent can change the world.

Loving our children, enjoying every moment with them regardless of the occasional crankiness and the continual child-like behaviors, will help them grow to be empathetic, well grounded adults who know who they are and what they want to make out of their life.

The secret to raising happy, successful, well rounded adults is to create a family life that focuses on every happy and wonderful thing your life together brings to all of you. Even when life is tough there are people and things about your life that are wonderful, and it is those things that need to be focused on. Laugh when little irritants try to bring you down. Make a joke about the silly situation you were in yesterday. Be an example to your children about how to choose to live a happy and fulfilled life. They will follow your example and they will develop an attitude of gratitude, and they will find their own way to have piece and happiness in their own life.

Raising kids: When does it get easier?

2007-03-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

Is there a particular age or stage when parenting is automatically easier? A recent pole asked parents two questions:

1. At what age have you found your children the easiest to rear?

3. At what age have you found your children the most difficult to rear?

Sixteen percent of the parents responded that they had found all times equally easy and difficult, and 2 percent said they had never found an easy time. But the remainder of those who responded made a pattern that looked like this:

Age Easiest to Rear

0-5 26%

6-12 37%

13-15 9%

16-18 3%

19-21 3%

over 21 2%

Age Hardest to Rear

0-5 8%

6-12 5%

13-15 41%

16-18 32%

19-21 4%

over 21 1%

What was interesting to discover in the pole was that parents who still had kids at home thought that the easiest stages were those they didn't currently have children in. And likewise, the most difficult stages were voted to be the ones they currently had children in.

So, it would appear that every stage of parenting has it's challenges, but hopefully we make the most of whatever stage we are dealing with and work hard at making it the best stage yet.

How to Raise Independant, Confidant, Adults

2007-03-19T03:27:00.000-07:00

It's true, most parents will tell you that they only want their children to grow up to be happy well balanced adults. And yet each generations social experiments seem to foster negative qualities that we didn't realize would be the side effects of our parenting styles. The first step to discovering the parenting styles that are best for your child is to realize that you are not raising a child... you are living with a child, but you are raising an adult. Once the "raising" is done, a new adult will merge into the world to continue shaping the future of it, for better, or for worse.

Robert Bornstein, a psychologist at Adelphi University and an expert on social dependency, says that much of today's generation "have a helpless self-concept in common." They see themselves as weak, vulnerable, and ineffectual, often because their parents were either overprotective—sending the message that they were fragile—or rigid and authoritarian, which taught them that the way to get along in life was to follow orders.

Both styles of operating in the world come from a deep and often frightening insecurity that the individual covers up by:

1. taking on the "Victim" role, to cover their fear of making the wrong decision (they arrange for others to make the decisions for them).

Or

2. they live unenriched lives of frustration due to a fear of failure (they never reach beyond their comfort zone and take risks, fearing that someone out there might not approve of them).

More and more we are seeing this generation grow to adulthood physically, but they often have great difficulty striking out on their own and becoming responsible for their own life. Feeling "entitled" to what their parents have, even after having families of their own is not uncommon.

I understand that we live in a world that can often feel unsafe, but over protecting your children, preventing them from acquiring socialization skills with all kinds of people is doing them a grave disservice. Learning how to hold their own to a bully, or to stand up for what they believe, in the face of radical and inappropriate teacher is what we need to be fostering in our children. And we cannot do that if we are continually "protecting" them from the ills of the world. In fact, by doing so we are emotionally crippling them.

Over-controlling a child creates an adult that has no sense of his or her own ability to make wise decisions. These new adults will either isolate themselves from the world or they will rebel against it.

Children raised by overly authoritarian parents will most certainly rebel. And they will choose those things which are most important to the parent to rebel against. I often see well meaning, but over zealous, religious parents turn out teens that refuse to take on any form of their parent's religious beliefs. They grow to see their parent's religion as the enemy instead of realizing that it was the way in which their parents "bullied" them that was the problem.

In short, you need to make an honest and realistic assessment of your parenting trouble spots. Then you need to educate yourself on positive parenting skills that can replace your old unhealthy habits. It may be psychologically painful to do this, but remember that this isn't all about you anymore. It is about the person you are raising and the quality of life you can help them discover.

And in the end you will both benefit from it. Learning to let go of your irrational belief that you are powerful enough to control others will eradicate enormous amounts of stress and anxiety in your life. You will at last feel free and peaceful. Learning to repress your anger and overly authoritarian behavior will change your life. You will begin to understand what true happiness is all about.

Stop Child Abuse in the Family Car

2007-03-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

Story #1
Tribune
Police have arrested a mother who took her dog shopping inside a Scottsdale Fashion Square department store while leaving her sleeping toddler in her car with a valet. Gardenia Zakrzewski Johansson, 39, who told police she is a Montessori schoolteacher, was arrested on suspicion of child neglect for leaving her 2-year-old son in the car to go into Neiman Marcus, according to a police report released Tuesday.
Story #2
A Sheboygan mother is expected to be charged with two counts of misdemeanor child neglect for allegedly leaving her two children in a freezing car for 20 minutes while she went tanning.
Story #3
FORT COLLINS, Colo. -- Fort Collins police are investigating a possible case of child abuse after the toddler's mother said she placed her child in the car as punishment and the child wound up in the hospital.Police said the mom disciplined her child during a shopping trip. The mother and her child were at a local bookstore when the child would not stop running around. ...Putting the child in the car allowed mom to read her books but the child nearly died.

My soap box today is dealing with people who are so selfcentered, sooo selfish that their most meaningless desires become far more important to them than does parenting their own children.

Parents who leave children in a car for any reason are abusers. They are selfcentered and put their petty desires far above their children's mental and physical health.

The next time you see a parent or caregiver neglecting or abusing a child you should be the one person who cares more for the welfare of those children than the abusing, narcissistic parent. Say something. Get the licence plate number and call the police. Go into the building and make a comlaint to security. Do whatever it takes to save these little children from a lifetime of mental and physical disabilities.

Part 1 - Feeding Your Teething Baby

2007-03-03T02:14:00.000-08:00

Babies begin getting their first teeth between 5-7 months of age. Eager parents are often excited to start trying new foods with their little cookie monster, but feeding a baby takes a bit of education and a lot of care. Making the wrong mistake can lead to food allergies and even death.

According to Dr. Bill Sears, a well written pediatrician suggests that you should wait until the baby is about 6 months old before entering new foods such as fruits and cereals into their diet. He explains that starting any earlier can aggravate or create food allergies as the babies little systems are not yet developed enough to process new foods so their body may treat new foods as a foreign substance that is harmful to the child - causing it to be rejected by the immune system - and eventually a food allergy develops.

When you do begin to feed your baby cereals and fruits it is best to stick with the multi grain cereals & crackers that dissolve easily. Of course preparing your own mashed fruits and vegetables at home is much healthier than buying bottled foods.

When your baby is 1-2 years of age it is OK to start presenting foods with some soft chunks such as chunky applesauce or soups with vegetables that are cut in very small pieces. Avoid peanut butter on bread - especially white bread - because it has a tendency to ball up in the child's throat an may cause a choking problem, especially if the child shoves large amounts of food into her mouth at once.

For some reason hot dogs are often given to toddlers, but even small round chunks of a hot dog can cause choking and death as the circumference of the meat is about the same as the child's esophagus. Hot dogs have little nutritional value anyway so there is really no need to feed them to your child. If you find hot dogs made without nitrates, preservatives and fillers (such as Hebrew International pure beef franks) the best way to serve them to your toddler is to peel them into very thin, noodle like strips with a carrot peeler. For a young toddler you can chop them into smaller strips after slicing them thinly.

Grapes should always be peeled and or mashed or cut into small chunks, removing any seeds before serving them. Raisins should be smashed well and torn apart into a smaller more manageable size. Soaking them in water first will soften the skins, making chewing much easier and swallowing will be much safer for the child.

And of course, never leave a small child alone while they are eating. Choking happens so fast and it can be fatal. And remember, patting the child on the back will likely make the choking worse. Find a class in your area that teaches infant and child CPR and other emergency techniques; you may be the one parent who actually has to use it one day. Don't take a chance with your child's life.

Dealing With Your Child's Shyness

2007-02-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

Why do some children seem naturally social while others seem fearful and shy? The answer could be in your child's genes. Research has shown that infants who display a high frequency of motor activity and negative affect at 4 months of age are likely to become behaviorally inhibited toddlers.

This research has shown that testing an infants saliva at age 4 months can determine if the child has a predisposition for shyness. Infants with an increased amount of cortisol were shown to be more fearful and shy in social situations at age 4 than those who did not show increased levels of cortisol as infants.

However, this study doesn't rule out nurture as an explanation for shyness in children. Other studies have shown that parents can increase their child's level of shyness by nurturing that behavior. "Some parents, by labeling their children as shy, appear to encourage a self- fulfilling prophecy, Adults may cajole coyly shy children into social interaction, thus reinforcing shy behavior (Zimbardo and Radl, 1981)."

So if your Toddler begins to show signs of fearfulness in social situations don't be too quick to try to correct their behavior - they may just be programmed that way, and forcing them into fearful interactions only reinforces the anti-social behavior. As with most parenting dilemmas, the more you push, the more they recoil. Let them figure the world out in their own way and both of you will be happier for it.

Kids & Valentines Day - Like Fire and Dynamite

2007-02-12T01:36:00.000-08:00

This is the week of love; a classic time to show those you love how much you love them and how willing you are to go out of your way to present them with an appropriate sentiment. But lest we forget, The biggest celebrators just may be your kids. So while your own drama is just getting underway, (trying to find an hour of alone time with your honey) your little ones are dealing with all that comes with this interesting American Holiday.

Wile at school, your children are stuffing their faces with cupcakes, Cola and candy hearts - getting higher every minute on sugar and caffeine. Depending on your child's hierarchal placement in the class, s/he is either really thrilled with all the valentines cards they get - especially that one from handsome David Moor. Or perhaps your child is the one who feels unpopular in general and takes each card with the feelings of formality and dread believing that non of them have any real sentiment attached to them.

Either way, when they get home from school you are going to have to put your plans on hold to listen, to sooth and support your sugar-coated drama queen long enough to allow them to fully express their jabbery rendition of the day and all of its important details. This will help deflate any unpleasant feelings the child has been storing up all day; and it will help to vent some of their sugar high.

You might as well accept it now, Halloween and Valentines day are two of the best loved holidays by children and they can have an enormous impact on their sense of self. If they are the popular one, they will need to be taught compassion for others who are not as fortunate, It they are the wall flower they will need to be taught self worth and courage. If they are the bully, they need to be stood up to by school authorities. So regardless of what you have planned for your little get away - it is vital that you take care of your child's emotional and social needs first. Then, later on, they will be better equipped to give you space to celebrate your way.

Be warned though, it takes between 24-72 hours to get all that sugar out of their system so they can re-become their usually pleasant self. Be Patient!

4 WAYS TO TEACH YOUR BABY TO CRY BETTER

2007-02-05T03:17:00.000-08:00

This information is from Dr. Will Sears - a pediatrician and author of many books about raising children.

Here are some time-tested listening tips that can help you decode the meaning of your baby's cries, responds, nurtures, and gradually create a communication relationship so that baby doesn't always have to cry to communicate:

1. View your baby's cries as a communication rather than a manipulation tool. Think of your baby's cries as a signal to be listened to and interpreted rather than click into a fear of spoiling or fear of being controlled mindset.

2. Better early than late. New parents may be led to believe that the more they delay their response to baby's cries, the less baby will cry. While this may be true of some easy, mellow babies (they become apathetic), infants with persistent personalities will only cry harder and in a more disturbing way. Learn to read your baby's pre-cry signals: anxious facial expressions, arms flailing, excited breathing, etc. Responding to these pick-me-up signals teaches baby that he doesn't have to cry to get attended to. Again, forget the fear of spoiling. Studies have shown that babies whose cries are promptly attended to actually learn to cry less as older infants and toddlers.

3. Respond appropriately. You don't have to pick up a seven-month-old baby as quickly as a seven-day-old baby. In the early weeks of cue-response rehearsals, respond intuitively and quickly to each cry. As you and your baby become better communicators, you – and only you – will know whether a cry is a "red alert come now" cry or one that merits a more delayed response.

Learn that magic cry-response word appropriately, which implies balance – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." In fact, you will naturally start off as a "yes mom," then intuitively become appropriately a "yes and no" mom. When in doubt, say "yes." It's much easier to fix over-responding – you just back off a bit. It's more difficult to repair the distrust that stems from under-responding and becoming disconnected.

4. Try the Caribbean approach. A system we have developed to model calmness to a baby is one we dubbed the Caribbean attitude: "No problem, mon!" Imagine your seven-month-old baby playing at your feet and you're on the phone. Baby starts to fuss and give pick-me-up gestures. Instead of dropping the phone and anxiously scooping up fussing baby, put on your happy face, caringly acknowledge baby and make voice contact, "It's okay, Molly…" In this way, your body language is reflecting, "No problem, baby; no need to fuss." Another favorite phrase in the Caribbean is "don't worry, be happy." By your body language, convey to your baby – be happy, not fussy.

Growing Pains - and Other Deterents to a Peaceful Day

2007-01-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

How do you know if your child has a headache? How can you tell if she is in pain from cutting teeth or bumping her head on the crib? How do you know if your toddler has a stomach ache or feels "fluish?"

For the most part you can't. Little children cannot communicate the specificity of their discomfort, so when they are in pain they become cranky, impatient, weepy and or angry. Even Toddlers and young children have difficulty finding words to express their physical feelings.

It is important for parents and caregivers to remember that just like adults, children have bad days too, and they cannot behave as if they have no feelings. It can take an empathetic detective to determine the difference between whining and actual complaining. Here are a few things to ponder the next time you you notice that your child isn't as perky as usual.

1. Have you introduced something new to their diet (or to yours if you are breast feeding)? Children have sensitive digestive systems and getting a tummy ache after trying something new is common.

2. Has your child's day been particularly exciting or demanding? Children can suffer from overload too.

3. Are there tears? children don't cry tears unless they are feeling true distress. However, infants generally cannot cry tears until they are a few weeks old or until their tear ducts develop completely.

4. Has your child recently had a growth spurt? Bones and joints don't grow as quickly as muscle; and a growth spurt can cause physical discomfort - especially for crawlers and toddlers.

5. Have you or the child's significant caregiver been gone, under the weather or in a bad mood? Children are very sensitive to social disruptions and they generally interpret less attention as abandonment. Psychological pain can be even more painful than physical discomfort.

So, before you are tempted to label your child "spoiled," or "demanding," try to figure out the root of their upset. Once you figure that out, both of you will be happier.

Spanking Leads to More Violence in Children

2007-01-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

In California this month, Spanking has become a political issue as a bill has been presented to make spanking any child under age 3 a crime. Some parents are outraged as others are in full support of the possible legislation. So today I thought I would inform you of what spanking really does.

Violence begets violence. That is a proven fact. And parents who resort to hitting their child instead of using some type of positive discipline are creating a dichotomy in the way their child looks at the world.

Children who fear their parent's wrath become insecure and create a belief that they can't trust even those who profess to love them most. Here are a few statistics to ponder:

A new study shows that disciplining children by spanking puts youngsters at risk for becoming aggressive, antisocial (psychopathic), and chronically defiant, the Washington Post reported.

In addition, study author Elizabeth Gershoff, a researcher at Columbia University's National Center for Children in Poverty, found that spanking is linked to delinquency and a failure to learn right from wrong.

Gershoff said "The bottom line is that corporal punishment is associated with numerous risks for children,. I would argue parents should to the best of their ability avoid using corporal punishment and instead use nonphysical and more positive types of discipline that we know are effective."

Gershoff analyzed 88 studies over 62 years to determine the effects of spanking on 11 child behaviors. Apart from immediate compliance, the research showed that spanking had negative effects on other behaviors.

Links to full articles:

Spanking Leads to Bad Behavior

10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child

Discipline at Home

Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children

Reducing Your Baby's Stranger Anxiety

2007-01-14T20:55:00.000-08:00

Your baby has always been the star of the show but lately, she greets her adoring fans with shyness and a wet face buried in your shoulder. Stranger anxiety is a normal level of an infants development.

Here's how to make social mixers a little less stressful:

Call ahead. Let your relatives know that nothing personal is intended by her rejection. Encourage them to give her some space when she enters the room and not immediately make a mad dash to grab her. She'll need time to warm up to them.

Give her home-court advantage. Your shrinking violet will
be most comfortable at home, but if you're going to Grandma's house, try to make the environment as familiar as possible. Bring her favorite toy from home and play together. Give Nana the toy and see if your shy one will also play with her.

Keep in touch. Don't hand her over and disappear. Stay close by and within her line of vision. She'll feel safer if she's able to see or feel you.

Adjust your attitude. If you're tense, she will pick up on it and feel anxious, too. Of course you feel terrible that she is so frightened, and sad for your loved ones who have been eagerly anticipating her arrival, but she'll do much better if you wipe that worried look off your face and smile.

Source: Babytalk, November 2006

Be an Imperfect Parent

2007-01-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

Around age 6-7 children begin to see their parents’ humanness. They begin to wonder why mom says “don’t take what doesn’t belong to you,” and then eats a grape at the grocery story while shopping. “Isn’t that stealing mom?”

We want our children to learn perfect principles and sometimes we mistakenly expect more from them than we expect from ourselves. But what should a parent do when they have done something so obviously wrong that even their little children notice?

Just as you tell your children that “honesty is the best policy,” when you do something wrong you have to be able to own up to it and come clean with your child. Admit that what you did was wrong. If the infraction was against them, apologize. If someone else was involved tell your child how you plan to make it right. And if there was no other injured party, tell your child that you know that what you did was wrong. Let them know that you make mistakes too and that you try very hard to make as few as possible.

In short, be an example. Being honest with your child about your own humanness will help them feel less troubled about their own. Showing them how you handle your mistakes shows them how to handle theirs. Yes, they will eventually figure out that you aren’t perfect but in the process they will learn valuable life lessons. And isn’t that what parenting is all about?

More parenting tips at http://www.psych-net.com

Profile of Child Abuse and Child Abusers

2006-12-31T20:58:00.000-08:00

Profile of a Child Abuser:

1. Was probably abused as a child
2. Has poor impulse control
3. May become aroused while hitting child
4. May be self-righteous or "always right"
5. May misinterpret scripture to rationalize abuse
6. Is more interested in inflicting his/her anger onto child, than helping the child learn a life lesson, (i.e. abusive-punishment instead of discipline)
7. Has no empathy for the child (cannot put themselves in the emotional place of the child)
8. Sees child as a possession/object and is self righteous about it. (i.e. "This is MY son.")
9. Has unrealistic expectations of the child - especially age inappropriate expectations, (i.e. believes it is OK to leave 8-year-old alone at home)

The Abused Child

Abuse is either internalized or externalized by the child. Externalization may resemble the following:

1. Acting out at school - the school bully
2. Acting out at home - aggressive behaviors including violence towards siblings, possessions or pets.
3. Hits, sassy, bites. Child may equate love with abuse, and will act in a way that provokes others to hurt them.
4. Destruction of property, arson, vandalism, truancy etc.
5. Extreme Tantrums
6. Verbally abusive
7. Angry, hateful, negative attitude
8. Tries to make people angry at them, (i.e. pushing your buttons)
9. May hurt self or engage in potentially self destructive activities to induce pain (due to association of pain with love)

If they Internalize the abuse they may:

1. Resort to self mutilation (making little nicks on arms or wrists)
2. Become withdrawn and/or socially isolated.
3. Experience regressive behavior or act infantile.
4. May exhibit symptoms of depression: a.) doesn't want to socialize, b.) somatisizes, pain, headaches, sore throat, nausea, vomiting, stomach ache etc., c.) doesn't want to play outside or do usual activities.
5. May develop an eating disorder
6. May develop physical blocks - psychoanesthitizing part of the body that had abuse (i.e. loosing feeling in an arm for a period of time).
7. Dissociation - during abuse, (imagines that they are floating outside of their body) If abuse is ongoing this form of protection may become pathological and remain a problem throughout their life.
8. May develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, or dissociative disorder.
9. In any case, abuse can lead to a myriad of mental illnesses later in life.

Types of Abuse

Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual.

beating/hitting
shaking
shoving
kicking
bruising
choking
grabbing
use of belts or or other objects
slapping
anything that leaves a mark or causes injury

yelling
criticizing
ridiculing
failing to provide
lack of nurturing
threatening
passive aggression
finger pointing
controlling
intimidating
neglect
terrorizing

seductive behavior
seductive dress
indecent exposure
sexual touching
fondling
any unauthorized touch
peeping
verbal harassment
froterism
sexual letters or language
stalking
unwanted tickling

The Center of Attention

2006-12-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

This week my adult children, my daughter-in-law and my beautiful granddaughter are here for the holiday. I have spent much of the time on the floor playing with my grand-baby and I am in heaven. She is 6 months old now and is learning about the world around her and the effect she can have on it. She is more fun to watch than my favorite show.

So this week I have been thinking about something a friend said to me many years ago in reference to her little granddaughter, she said, "Every little child needs and ought to feel as if the whole world is in love with her."

When I first heard her say these profound words I reflected on so many little children whom I have had in my office, who had been abused, neglected or otherwise mistreated in their short little life. Most often these children seemed spiritually drained of all connection with humanity. The look in their eyes was of profound sadness, and I could often see the buds of hopelessness. But just behind those soulful glances was often a spark of hope; hope that with me they would find someone who would not abandon them, who would not fail them, and who would love them unconditionally.

These little children deserved to be prized, even cherished in their families. They desperately wanted to find a way to make their parents love them enough to raise them calmly, without violence, without making them feel like an unwanted wart the parent was stuck with.

My little granddaughter is 6 months old and already she realizes that she is loved and can share love herself. She loves new people, and she expects that everyone is just as happy to see her as she is to see them. Her sense of self is budding into a rare and priceless flower who's mark on this world will be that of her own making, instead of the fallout from a home filled with anger, instability and neglect.

We know very little about the baby Mary raised to become the Savior of the World, but my guess it that he was loved beyond measure and that he too felt love for everyone around him. How else could he have risen to become the humble, empathetic and great leader her was. He was not beat down. Instead he was allowed to rise up and to flourish and become our best example in all things.

Let's raise our children as if they were gifts from God.

Natural or Logical Consequences - What You Need to Know

2006-12-18T22:29:00.000-08:00

Consequences are often a difficult part of parenting. What kinds of consequences are best, immediate ones, harsh ones or maybe non at all? I’ve heard a lot of parents say that they just aren’t good at thinking of an appropriate consequence at the spur of the moment – so they resort to what they know regardless of how effective it may or may not be. Parent’s who haven’t put much thought into appropriate (teaching) consequences, may resort to ineffective means like hitting or yelling. In the end, bot the the parent and the child suffers and neither has learned anything positive.

There are basically two types of consequences, Natural and Logical. Both can be equally effective, but the parent has to decide which is the best for each situation.

Natural consequences are those that happen on their own as a result of a person's actions (or non-actions). For instance if a child insists on wearing shoes that are too tight, the natural consequence might be blisters. It is often better to avoid a power struggle by letting the child experience the natural consequences and learn a life lesson. After all, isn't that what parenting is all about? Helping our children learn how to get by in the world in the best possible way?

Of course you have to determine ahead of time weather or not the natural consequences are going to be safe. Blisters won't cause permanent damage, but might help the child learn a permanent lesson (if mom says something will hurt me, I'd better believe her).

The problem parent's sometimes have is attempting to keep the child from ever experiencing any unpleasant situation, i.e. blisters. The parent enters into an argument (power struggle) with the child, which has negative effects regardless of who wins. If the parent is successful at forcing the child to wear other shoes the relationship is strained, the child begins to feel either rebellious or powerless in life, and s/he doesn't learn to make decisions. S/he only learns how to be pushed into doing what other's want him/her to do. Later the parents may very well find themselves in a situation where they have no control over a rebellious teen, or they wonder why their teen is such a follower, hanging with peers that seem to manipulate him/her into doing things they thought their child would never do.

• controlling parent teaches a child to be easily controlled.

If the child wins the argument then the parent has shown the child who has the power in the relationship. The child learns that the parent is wishy-washy, and doesn't really mean what they say. Respect is lost and very difficult to regain. Later, the parent of a teen may wonder why their teen is disrespectful, never listens and maybe even hateful.

• respect is learned and earned.

Logical Consequences

The key word here is logical. Logical consequences should be used when the natural consequences for misbehavior do not provide sufficient undesirable reaction to teach the desired lesson, or when the natural consequences are too severe (as in getting hit by a car for crossing a busy street). A logical consequence for a child who has run into the street may be no longer being allowed to cross the street unless accompanied by someone older (parent or sibling). If the child still disobeys and runs into the street again, a further consequence might be that they cannot play in the front yard for the rest of the afternoon (or where ever the street is).

Logical consequences are those designed and implemented by a parent, or by another person or entity. The word Logical is what defines the consequence as discipline rather than punishment. The consequence isn't flung at the child nor is it an aggressive action of a frustrated parent to control the actions of the child.

Grounding a child for sassing is not logical. The consequence of grounding has nothing to do with the misbehavior, sassing, and therefore cannot be requisite to a learning experience for the child. The idea in setting consequences is to offer the child an opportunity to learn from their mistakes so that they will choose to behave differently next time.

The consequences need to have an understandable relationship to the crime in order for the child to learn a life lesson.

Otherwise the child is likely to learn only fear of the parent, ("I know my dad will kill me for this.") ways to manipulate the parent (come up with creative ways to get around the punishment or to outsmart the parent.) and not to be honest with the parent (make sure the deeds are done in secret with the intent of never letting the parent know what is going on - for fear of being irrationally punished).

• parents need to think in terms of discipline (teaching) rather than punishing (venting anger).

So, sit down today and think of the typical misbehavior you might expect from your child. Listing them on paper may help. Then think of what the natural or logical consequence might be for that action. Then, the next time your child acts out, you will be more prepared to deal with the situation without loosing your cool or creating an even bigger disaster.

Love your child by expecting and reinforcing good behavior; teach them how to behave by utilizing discipline that teaches them positive life lessons.

Holiday Safety Tips for Families & Friends

2006-12-11T00:51:00.000-08:00

Recommended Reading:

The holidays are an exciting time of year for kids, and to help ensure they have a safe holiday season, here are some tips

Trees

• Look for the label "Fire Resistant on all trees and clothing you buy

• When purchasing a live tree, check for freshness. A fresh tree is green, needles are hard to pull from branches and when bent between your fingers, needles do not break. The trunk butt of a fresh tree is sticky with resin, and when tapped on the ground, the tree should not lose many needles.

• When setting up a tree at home, place it away from fireplaces, radiators or portable heaters. Place the tree out of the way of traffic and do not block doorways.

• Cut a few inches off the trunk of your tree to expose the fresh wood. This allows for better water absorption and will help to keep your tree from drying out and becoming a fire hazard.

• Be sure to keep the stand filled with water, because heated rooms can dry live trees out rapidly.

Lights

• Never use electric lights on a metallic tree. The tree can become charged with electricity from faulty lights, and a person touching a branch could be electrocuted.

• Before using lights outdoors, check labels to be sure they have been certified for outdoor use. To hold lights in place, string them through hooks or insulated staples, not nails or tacks. Never pull or tug lights to remove them.

• Check all tree lights-even if you've just purchased them-before hanging them on your tree. Make sure all the bulbs work and that there are no frayed wires, broken sockets or loose connections.

• Plug all outdoor electric decorations into circuits with ground fault circuit interrupters to avoid potential shocks.

• Turn off all lights when you go to bed or leave the house. The lights could short out and start a fire.

Decorations

• Use only non-combustible or flame-resistant materials to trim a tree. Choose tinsel or artificial icicles of plastic or nonleaded metals.

• Never use lighted candles on a tree or near other evergreens. Always use non-flammable holders, and place candles where they will not be knocked down.

• In homes with small children, take special care to avoid decorations that are sharp or breakable, keep trimmings with small removable parts out of the reach of children to avoid the child swallowing or inhaling small pieces, and avoid trimmings that resemble candy or food that may tempt a young child to eat them.

• Wear gloves to avoid eye and skin irritation while decorating with spun glass "angel hair." Follow container directions carefully to avoid lung irritation while decorating with artificial snow sprays.

• Remove all wrapping papers, bags, paper, ribbons and bows from tree and fireplace areas after gifts are opened. These items can pose suffocation and choking hazards to a small child or can cause a fire if near flame.

Toy Safety

• Select toys to suit the age, abilities, skills and interest level of the intended child. Toys too advanced may pose safety hazards for younger children.

• Before buying a toy or allowing your child to play with a toy that he has received as a gift, read the instructions carefully.

• To prevent both burns and electrical shocks, don't give young children (under age ten) a toy that must be plugged into an electrical outlet. Instead, buy toys that are battery-operated.

• Children under age three can choke on small parts contained in toys or games. Government regulations specify that toys for children under age three cannot have parts less than 1 1/4 inches in diameter and 2 1/4 inches long.

• Children under age 8 can choke or suffocate on uninflated or broken balloons. Remove strings and ribbons from toys before giving them to young children.

• Watch for pull toys with strings that are more than 12 inches in length. They could be a strangulation hazard for babies.

Food Safety

• Bacteria are often present in raw foods. Fully cook meats and poultry, and thoroughly wash raw vegetables and fruits.

• Be sure to keep hot liquids and foods away from the edges of counters and tables, where they can be easily knocked over by a young child's exploring hands.

• Wash your hands frequently, and make sure your children do the same.

• Never put a spoon used to taste food back into food without washing it.

• Always keep raw foods and cooked foods separate, and use separate utensils when preparing them.

• Always thaw meat in the refrigerator, never on the countertop.

• Foods that require refrigeration should never be left at room temperature for more than two hours.
Happy Visiting

• Clean up immediately after a holiday party. A toddler could rise early and choke on leftover food or come in contact with alcohol or tobacco.

Fireplaces

• Before lighting any fire, remove all greens, boughs, papers, and other decorations from fireplace area. Check to see that the flue is open.

• Use care with "fire salts," which produce colored flames when thrown on wood fires. They contain heavy metals that can cause intense gastrointestinal irritation and vomiting if eaten. Keep them away from children.

• Do not burn wrapping papers in the fireplace. A flash fire may result as wrappings ignite suddenly and burn intensely.

While away from home:

• If possible, leave small children at home with a trusted babysitter.

• Teach your child to go to a store clerk and ask for help in case your child is separated from you.

• Teach children to stay close to you at all times while shopping.

• Never allow children to make unaccompanied trips to the restroom.

• Children should never be allowed to go to the car alone and they should never be left alone in the car.

• Teach children their full name, address and telephone number to give to police officers or mall security.
• Remember that the homes you visit may not be childproofed. Keep an eye out for danger spots.

• Keep a laminated list with all of the important phone numbers you or a baby-sitter are likely to need in case of an emergency. Include the police and fire department, your pediatrician and the national Poison Help Line, 1-800-222-1222.

• Traveling, visiting family members, getting presents, shopping, etc., can all increase your child's stress levels. Trying to stick to your child's usual routines, including sleep schedules and timing of naps, can help you and your child enjoy the holidays and reduce stress.

Baby-Proofing Your Home

2006-12-04T03:45:00.000-08:00

Babies learn so much so fast in their first year. Parents, are so happy to see their baby moving and exploring on their own. But if you turn your back for a moment you may find that your baby is suddenly crawling across the room toward something unnsafe. Babies want to touch and taste everything they see. This is how they begin to learn about the world around them, so now is the time for you to look at your surroundings from a youngster's point of view so that you can baby-proof your home. Here are some tips from the National Safety Council:

Suffocation and Choking
Mechanical suffocation and suffocation by ingested objects cause the most home fatalities to children under 4. Drownings and home fires also contribute to the death of young children.

• Infants, when placed on an adult bed of any kind, can roll into the space between the wall and the mattress and suffocate. Exercise caution if sleeping in the same bed with an infant. It is possible for an infant to become wedged between your body and the mattress and suffocate. Infants should never be placed on top of soft surfaces like sofas, large soft toys, sofa cushions, pillows, waterbeds or on top of blankets, quilts or comforters.
• Babies should sleep on their backs.
• Crib bars should be no more than 2 3/8 inches apart to prevent infants from getting their heads stuck between them. Cribs manufactured after 1974 must meet this and other strict safety standards.
• The crib mattress must fit tightly so there are no gaps for an infant to fall into. Keep the crib clear of plastic sheets, pillows and large stuffed animals or toys. These can be suffocation hazards.
• Keep toys with long strings or cords away from infants and young children. A cord can become wrapped around an infant's neck and cause strangulation. Toys with long strings, cords, loops or ribbons should never be hung in cribs or playpens. Similarly, pacifiers should never be attached to strings or ribbons around the baby's neck.
• Place an infant or child's bed away from any windows. Check window coverings for potentially hazardous pull cords.
• Use child safety gates at the top and bottom of all staircases and be sure they're installed correctly. Avoid accordion style safety gates with large openings that children could fit their heads through.
• Choking is a common cause of unintentional death in children under the age of 1. Avoid all foods that could lodge in a child's throat. Some examples include popcorn, grapes, foods with pits, raisins, nuts, hard candies, raw vegetables and small pieces of hotdogs.
• Never let children of any age eat or suck on anything, such as hard candy, while lying down.
• Keep floors, tables and cabinet tops free of small objects that could be swallowed. Such objects include coins, button-sized batteries, rings, nails, tacks and broken or deflated balloons.

Falls and Burns
• A mixer faucet on the basin, tub and shower will prevent scalds. Set your hot water thermostat for 120? F. A baby's bath water should be 100? F. Always check bath water temperature with your wrist or elbow before putting a baby in to bathe. Don't allow children in a whirlpool, Jacuzzi or hot tub. Their bodies are more sensitive to hot water.
• Teach youngsters that matches are tools for adults, not toys. Adults should never ignite lighters or matches in front of children. Store matches in a fire-resistant container out of the reach of youngsters.
• Do not smoke, use matches or drink hot beverages while holding an infant. Don't leave burning cigarettes unattended.
• Remember that radiators, heating vents, space heaters, fireplaces, stoves and hot water taps are not always hot. Children can touch them once safely and the next time receive a severe burn.
• Keep electrical cords and wires out of the way so toddlers can't pull, trip or chew on them. Cover wall outlets with safety caps.

Drowning
• Never leave a child unsupervised in the bathtub. If you must leave the room for a telephone call or to answer the door, wrap the child in a towel and take him or her with you. Don't leave a small child alone with any container of liquid, including wading pools, scrub buckets, and toilets.
• A swimming pool drowning could also be called a "silent death" as there is rarely a splash or cry for help to alert parents to the problem. The typical drowning victim is a boy between 1 and 3 years old who is thought not to be in the pool area at the time of the incident.
• Fence in the pool completely. Doors leading to the pool area should be self-closing and self-latching or equipped with exit alarms and should never be propped open.
• Never take your eyes off children when they are in or near any body of water, not even for a second. Don't rely on inflatable devices, such as inner tubes, water wings, inflatable mattresses and toys or other similar objects to keep a youngster afloat. Keep toys, tricycles and other playthings away from the pool area. A toddler near the water could unexpectedly fall in.
• All pool owners and their families are encouraged to seek training in swimming, lifesaving, first aid and cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

Destructive Flattery & Helpful Praise

2006-11-26T22:57:00.000-08:00

"Most Adults believe that all honest praise is helpful to children. Parents and teachers endorse praise without reservations. Praise is supposed to build confidence, increase security, and stimulate initiative, motivate learning, generate good will, and improve human relations.

If praise can accomplish all that, why do we still have so many insecure children, under stimulated students, unmotivated underachievers, unchallenged dropouts, and deliberate delinquents. Apparently, not all is well with praise. Too often it has not kept its promise". (Haim G. Ginott, Between Parent and Teenager.

Flattery is generally insincere. It is more of a judgment of a person's character than a statement of appreciation. Praise that judges a person's worth or personality can be destructive. For instance saying, "Your such a good girl for cleaning your room," is a judgment of the child's worth and can cause the child to feel worthless, because she learns that she is only appreciated for what she does, instead of for who she is. If flattery or character assessment is frequent, she becomes a human-doing instead of a human-being.

Unless the child is doing exactly what the parent wants her to do, she is put into a position where the she is forced to choose between being the parent's automaton or creating her own identity.

A more productive way of praising the child may be to express your own feelings or experience i.e., "Your room looks so pretty, I really like what you've done with it."

Praise that evaluates personality or character is unpleasant for the recipient and can cause them to feel anxious or defensive, (because they feel they are being judged). Praise that describes efforts, accomplishments, and feelings is helpful and safe.

EXAMPLE: After Eric, a 16 year old boy, mowed the lawn and cleaned up the yard as best he could, his father commented,

"The yard looks like a garden."
Eric: "Does it?"
Father: "It's a pleasure to look at it."
Eric: "It's nice."
Father: "What a job. In one day you cleaned it all up! Thank you."
Eric: "Anytime, dad."

Father did not praise Eric's personality. He only described the yard and his feelings of pleasure. Eric concluded: "I've done a good job. Father is pleased." He felt good enough to offer his services as a gardener.

Praise and self-image

Descriptive recognition as opposed to evaluative praise, is likely to lead to realistic self-image. Praise has two parts: 1. Our words and 2. the teenager's conclusions. Our praise should reflect what we appreciate about their work, efforts, achievement consideration or creation.

Helpful praise: "Thank you for washing the car. It looks like new again."

Unhelpful praise: "You are always so considerate."

Helpful praise: "I like the bookcase you made."

Unhelpful praise: "You are such a good carpenter."

Our descriptive praise and the child's positive inferences are building blocks of balanced mental health. From our messages the child concludes, "I am liked, I am appreciated. I am respected. I am capable." These conclusions she may restate silently to herself again and again. Such silent statements, repeated inwardly, largely determine a child's picture of themselves and of the world around them. They gain confidence in themselves once they internalize the positive praise that others have offered them in a healthy way.

On the other hand always being Mary Poppins - offering loads of praise for inadequate attempts can also create stumbling blocks in your child's development of self worth. This will be looked into in my next Monday blog. Send me comments and questions if you want specific topics covered

How Not To Communicate With Children

2006-11-20T01:33:00.000-08:00

Communication can be a tricky thing, especially when one person in the exchange hasn't developed many skills yet. So a parent needs to remember to keep statements clear and short so that the child can easily understand what is being communicated.

The following are a list of don'ts when communicating with children (or anyone for that matter). By refraining from falling into these traps you and your child will avoid the frustration and misunderstandings that so often plague adult child communications.

Always listen for the feelings behind the words; then address them and validate them. Children don't generally want their parents to run in with all kinds of "fixes for their complaints, but the do want and need to be listened to. Validating their feelings doesn't mean you have to agree with them, it just shows that you understand them.
Allow your positive feelings (love for the child) to take priority over anger. Remember, anger is just a cover for your own fear and pain. If you acknowledge your own underlying feelings (fear and/or pain) you will not feel the anger so intensely and will be able to problem solve instead of creating chaos. Acting out of anger will alienate you from your child as they will not longer trust you as their confidant.
Listen, Listen, Listen! Stop flying into emotional responses. It isn't about you! Stop formulating your response before the child has finished speaking.
Become aware of your feelings, and express them in "I" messages (I feel ___, when___, because___). Avoid using the word "you" as the word "you" turns an I message into a blaming "You" message and that will not solve the problem at hand.
Don't participate in an emotional escalation - walk away or take a time out to collect yourself before continuing the conversation. Remember conflict takes two, and you are the adult and the one who is going to teach the child how to behave in difficult circumstances.
Never resort to name calling.("Are you a moron or something!?") Character assassination is never good for the child and is never acceptable from the parent.
Don't denigrate or size up their character.("Your so selfish!") No labeling or name calling ever resolved an argument in a happy peaceful manner. You need to focus on creating a win-win situation. A win win situation means that both people involved come away feeling better about themselves and the relationship with the other person.
Don't act superior. ("I told you so!" or "If you acted like me instead of like your father you would be better off.) How have you felt in the past when a "superior at work called you on the carpet and made you feel small and worthless? Well that is exactly what you are doing to your child in this situation. This type of behavior paved the road for rebellion and permanent relationship damage.
Don't act on assumptions - Try to get all the puzzle pieces before before making a judgment call. ("Don't try to fool me buster, I know exactly what you were doing.") Hear the fact first and listen to all sides of the story.
Don't talk more than you listen. ("I'm talking; you listen to ME!")

Emotionally children are much like adults, except that they cannot manipulate or hide their emotions like we can. They feel fear when their parents fight. They feel insecure when their schedule or their surrounding change. They feel worthless when they are ridiculed. They feel angry when wronged and they act out when they have intense feelings and they don't know how
(or aren't allowed) to express them. When we act out our feelings in healthy ways, we are teaching our children how to deal with their feelings. When we are out of control we are giving them permission to behave badly. Children learn how to deal with their feelings largely from their parents. If we yell, hit or throw a tantrum when we are angry or hurt, they will learn to deal with their feelings in the same way. When we hit them because they hit a sibling we are sending a confusing message that only exacerbates the child's frustration, and delays his/her ability to deal with their emotions in a nonviolent way. We are saying it is only OK to hit if you are bigger than they are. That leads to sibling abuse!

Dangers of Daycare & How to Deal With It All

2006-11-13T00:49:00.000-08:00

Parents who send their children to group day-care nurseries could be risking their child's mental health and wellbeing.

A group of childcare and child psychology experts expressed their concerns in a letter to the Daily Telegraph. They raise doubts over whether children under three-years-old should ever be looked after by anyone other than close family members, urging for an 'urgent national debate' to be held.

'Consistent, continuous care by a trusted figure is the key to providing a secure and nurturing environment for very young children. Its absence can lead to behavioral difficulties and may even fuel mental illness. The experts in the study agree that parents are putting their children in circumstances that 'may not be appropriate to their emotional needs'.

'In a society which encourages both parents to work outside the home while their children are under three, it is attachment-focused childcare arrangements that have a crucial role to play in facilitating healthy emotional development,' Sir Richard writes in a report attached to the letter.

It has long been understood that children in Day Care become ill with colds, flu and communicable disease 5 times more frequently than home based children; but recent studies indicate that the stress of being left on a daily basis may be a contributing factor. Children's immune systems have been shown to be stronger when they are consistently in a stress reduced environment. And Day Care is anything but stress free. Between the emotional neglect and the continual crying by other children, the stress levels can be soaring.

So what is a parent to do? If you must leave your child during the day on a regular basis,

Find a close relative to watch the child.
If that isn't possible, use a home based care provider who is licensed
Visit without notice on a regular basis to make sure that all the children are being cared for in an appropriate manner.
Check for appropriate licensing of all individuals that will be caring for your child

Call the BBB to see if there have been any complaints against this provider
Do a background check for all employees
Do not leave the child there longer than needed - don't use the opportunity to run errands or go to the bar after work. Your child needs as much time with you as possible.
Call your child during the day to say hi and let them know when you will be coming
Find a way to work from home as often as possible

It was once vogue to profess that a woman in America could have a full time job and be a sufficient part time parent. The long range studies and the 'adult children of working mom's' have shown otherwise. Ask any child if they would rather watch their mother advance in her influential career or have her at home with them and the answers will be unanimous - children want to be raised by their parents. Not even the best care providers can replace a loving parent in a child's eyes.

Listening: Preventative Measures

2006-11-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

Listening is a skill that requires practice, patience and persistence. Listening is different than simply hearing. It is the desire and ability to allow another person to express their thoughts and feelings without judging, interrupting or correcting. Too often as parents we neglect to allow our children the right to express themselves openly, in a safe arena. Instead we allow our emotions and our assumptions to take over as we listen. We need to allow our children to express their feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative, regardless of weather or not we agree with them. We need to let the child know that what they have to say is important and that we are interested in them, their thoughts and their feelings. Parents need to remember to refrain from arguing with the child about their ideas or their feelings as they have as much right to think or feel a certain way as you do. So often I hear conversations that go something like this (and I cringe):

Child: "Mommy my toe hurts."
Parent: "Oh look at that little scrape, that doesn't hurt."

So what message are we sending to the child? One that says you are not capable of knowing weather or not you are hurting. You are confused and only I can determine if you are in pain.

By so doing, you are telling the child that you have no empathy for his/her feelings or circumstance. And by example you are teaching them to negate the feelings and experiences of others; and that is how sociopaths are created.

How to Comfort a Crying Baby

2006-11-03T02:04:00.000-08:00

Saving Families:

Studies have shown that a mother who understands her child's cries and responds to them correctly, is highly unlikely to become abusive or neglectful to that child in the future.

So Let's see what we can do to educate all parents and caregivers out there and do our part in reducing childabuse.

All babies cry. And at about two weeks of age, it is common for babies to develop a fussy period in the evening that can last for as long as two hours.

If your baby becomes fussy, what will you do? Try some of the following techniques, or perhaps a combination of them, to soothe your baby. As you offer comfort, pay attention to what your baby is trying to tell you. Through trial and error, and with loving patience, you'll soon discover together which soothing methods work best. Here are some techniques to try:

New Positions

Hold your baby facedown over your forearm with his head at your elbow and your thumb and fingers wrapped around his thigh.

Hold your baby seated in your hand with his back to your chest and your other hand across his chest, wrapping your thumb and fingers around his upper arm.

Hold your baby high over your shoulder so his stomach is being pressed into your shoulder bone.

Cradle your baby in your arms, holding him tummy-to-tummy tightly against you.

Rhythmic Motion

Babies are most comforted at a pace of 60 times each minute, so try these methods:

Walking around.

Rocking vertically by doing deep-knee bends.

Swaying side to side or back and forth while standing up.

Rocking back and forth in a comfortable rocking chair.

Warmth

Swaddle your baby tightly in a receiving blanket.

Hold your baby close to you so she can receive your warmth.

Put a heating pad in your baby's sleep area to warm the sheets before putting her down. Take out the heating pad and check the temperature of the sheets to be sure they're comfortably warm.

Lay your baby facedown over a wrapped hot-water bottle on your lap.

Soothing Sounds

Speak reassuring words in a soft, low voice.

Hum and sing familiar songs you enjoy.

Make a tape recording of a dishwasher, washing machine, vacuum cleaner or clothes dryer to let your baby hear repeated swooshing sounds. A fan or humidifier in the baby's room can sometimes do the trick, as can a radio tuned to the static between stations.

Play classical, new age, soft rock or soft jazz music. No heavy metal, please! It makes babies nervous.

Touch

Firmly but gently massage your baby's back from the neck down to his bottom.

Firmly pat or rub your baby on his back and bottom.

In a warm room, lay your baby on a firm surface and gently massage his tummy with clockwise strokes. If you think his discomfort may be resulting from gas, this can help move down the gas. Then gently press his knees into his abdomen to push out the gas.

Dealing with NO! & the Terrible 2's

2006-10-19T01:43:00.000-07:00

Children begin to develop the ability to understand "if-then" thinking around 24-48 months of age. But even then their ability to think abstractly is rudimentary at best. They begin to understand that mommy is a separate entity and that they themselves are individuals. This single theme becomes their driving force for about a year as they test their theory of separateness over and over again - thus creating what is commonly referred to as The Terrible Two's.

If the parent is intolerant of the child's new found autonomy and prevents the child from discovering and growing through his/her own sense of self the child will not develop into a confident, individuated adult. Their adult life will be ruled by others making decisions for them, they may flit from stage to stage trying to “find” themselves; attempting to do the work and the mental growth that should have been allowed when they were two. If they go to college they are likely to shift from one major to another; or they may choose the major that their parent tells them to choose. Once that opportunity to develop independence and the ability to trust your own choices has passed (around age 6) it is extremely difficult if not impossible to develop it later in life; especially if you continue to be in the company of the people who kept you from individuating in the first place.

Throughout history there have been stories of mothers creating neurotic, symbiotic relationships with their children. Although they are generally not aware of how their actions are creating a major deficit in their child’s life, they unwittingly mold their child into someone who bends to the parents wishes instead of deciding for themselves. Guilt is a major player in this type of unhealthy relationship. The mother appears as if she will fall to pieces if the child leaves home. Or she may continue to do everything for the adult child, to the degree that the adult child sees no reason to become responsible for him/herself.

So how can a parent make sure this developmental phase is nurtured appropriately so that the child is free to thrive without causing the parent to loose their mind in the process?

Because the “terrible 2’s often begin around 18 months of age, or as soon as the child learns to use the word “no” the parent is often caught off guard by their sweet infant - turned radical. Suddenly the baby that you have made all the decisions for is suddenly disagreeing with you and demanding to be heard and respected. How is it possible for this incredible change to happen overnight?

Actually it has been developing all along, it’s just that now the child has discovered a way to communicate their feelings, needs and desires with one simple word – NO! Because it is so different than what the parents has been experiencing with their child, they often have a negative, knee-jerk reaction and immediately attempt to assert their power over the child. On some level instinct takes over and the parent tries to re-establish the hierarchy and let the child know who’s “boss.” Although the parental hierarchy is an important dynamic in the healthy family, this may not be the best time to demonstrate it to the child. And here is why...

The newly speaking child is beginning to develop many social and personal lessons and skills, one of which is individuality. S/he hasn’t yet figured out what they think, feel or want, most of the time, and so they are using the word “no” to test themselves, to figure themselves out. How often have you met a young adult that says, “I need to find myself.” Just as the young adult has to try out many different life events in order to find the right fit, the 2 year old needs to do the same thing, but on a simpler plane. The parent may ask, “Do you want to take a nap?” and the tired crying child responds “No!“ Then, just for fun, the parent asks, “Do you want a cookie?” and the child explodes, “NO!” “Do you want to go to grandma’s house?” and the child screams, “NO, NO, NO!” Of course the child is still responding to the original question regarding taking a nap, but at this stage, they are trying to assertively communicate their feelings. They want to be heard, they want their opinion to be respected.

Respecting another person’s opinion however, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with it. SO when your child begins to assert themselves, the parent needn’t agree or disagree. You needn’t feel threatened or become angry at the child. Instead, validate the child by letting them know that you heard them. You might say, “I hear you saying No. I know you don’t like to take naps.”

Of course the best way to prevent this particular scenario is to refrain from asking the child’s opinion about napping in the first place. It’s the parent’s responsibility to make those decisions for the child and asking the child’s opinion first puts the responsibility of making that decision onto the child and that is never good for the child or for the outcome of the conversation.

In general it is best to encourage your child to try new things, even when you don’t think they are capable. That is how they learn – through trial and error – not unlike you. If they want to pour their own milk, offer to help them but don’t prevent them. If the two-year-old says no, take their opinion into consideration, let them know that you heard them, and even let them know that you are happy they are learning to know what they want; but ultimately it is the parent that needs to make the decisions. And it is possible to do that in a way that creates a win-win situation – well, most of the time.

But what about potty training? That will be the topic of my next blog.

Understanding Your Child's Needs

2006-10-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

Too young for discipline…

When babies cry or have a fussy day it may be hard for their parents to understand why they are having such a bad day. Babies can't articulate their feelings or needs and sometimes parents begin to believe that their helpless little child is manipulating them with their cries.

The truth is that a child's cognitive, or mental, ability changes almost daily as they grow and develop. In order for a child to willfully manipulate a parent they have to have developed the ability to understand "if-then" thinking. That is, they need to be able to formulate thoughts like, "If I cry, then someone will pay attention to me." If-then thinking is a form of abstract thinking that is developed much later in childhood; infants aren't capable of this type of thinking. Children, especially infants think concretely. Their brain can only process the here and now. They cannot think about future events, and for them the future is only a moment away. That is why a baby’s emotions can shift so dramatically from one minute to the next, because they are feeling and experiencing only the moment. The ability to think abstractly develops very slowly in children and until early adolescence a child's ability to use if-then thinking is extremely limited.

An infant's primary need is to be soothed and nurtured. They cry when they are uncomfortable or in pain. If their needs are recognized by a nurturing parent the infant will learn that the world is a safe place, that she is secure and will be cared for. She will come to trust that the parent is her protector and caretaker and will be there to help her when she feels fear, discomfort, or hunger. Her little under-developed brain is not yet mature enough to create plots against her parents by utilizing manipulative, and cunning skills. Consequently, discipline for an infant is futile. They are not capable of misbehaving or willfully defying a parent. And they are not yet able to differentiate between acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors.

So why do Babies Cry so Often?

Babies exercise all day long to the point of needing frequent naps after a session of standing, finding and controlling their limbs and lifting up to look around. If she has a particularly active day physically, it is reasonable to expect that the following day she may feel discomfort and even pain - just like we do when we go to the gym and work out or spend a day skiing or doing yard work. So she fusses and has difficulty getting comfortable, and eventually she cries. If babies have allergies to milk or other foods they may get headaches, tummy aches, or feel itchy. But they cannot articulate their discomfort by any other means than to cry and fuss. They may feel overly tired, but unable to get comfortable enough to sleep – so they cry. Even adults get cranky when they are tired and uncomfortable. It isn’t any different with a baby.

The infant believes that she and mommy are still physically one-in-the-same person, and so anytime she needs mommy's help she expects that mommy will automatically "feel her pain" and will tend to her. If mommy doesn't tend to her needs on a regular basis the baby will begin to feel hopeless when experiencing mental or physical discomfort. If neglect is ongoing she may develop a life long mindset of worthlessness, of believing that she isn't important enough to be cared about, thus setting the stage for mental illness later in life. Neglected babies can grow up without developing empathy for others; because no one was there for them they don't learn to be there for others. They begin to believe that the world is not a safe place, that it is every survivor for themselves. As adults they may develop into egocentric and callus individuals or they may withdraw into depression or even psychosis.